It has snowed, rained and then snowed again today. The snow blower will not pick up all this slushy crap so I have had to shovel. I have had enough of winter.It is dark, cold, and miserable. My hope is with the coming of spring I will feel more like myself. Right now I only seem to feel like myself when I am at work. At work I am Mrs. G., I have a routine, I know what I need to do and how to do it. I am the one my kids look to for answers.
At home I am lost, I have no direction, no focus. I wonder when things will be better. I do things because I have to. I have to do laundry, I have to do the dishes, I have to work,I had to shovel, the rest doesn't get done.
I sit here at night, with Freddie watching my every move, trying to feel "normal." I wait for Rachel to call. I wait to see Jack. I wait to feel better, to feel like myself again. I will never feel like myself again....I am different now.
I know I am not the first or the last to lose someone so dear to them as Gee was to me. Knowing that doesn't help much.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
February Vacation
I no longer have the excuse of being to busy for not going through Gee's things. I am not looking forward to doing it but it needs to be done. I think I will start with the closet. The only things I'm keeping is Gee's uniform and stuff that fits....everything else is getting tossed. Come spring we are getting a dumpster, cellar, back shed and garage all getting cleaned out.
Gee never threw anything away, we have so much crap in the cellar, paint cans, 3" pieces of plastic pipe, empty boxes, old computers.The back shed is full of old stuff he wouldn't toss, an old mattress, pieces of wood that aren't good for nothing, old rakes he was going to fix, and old lawn mower, just a bunch of crap. So much junk. After cleaning out my Dad's house, my brothers and sisters all said they were going to go through all the junk they had to avoid the need for the dumpster....well I didn't do that, I wonder if they did?
Closet and Dresser
For people who never go anywhere we sure had alot of clothes. I at least have a slight excuse....my clothes were of many different sizes, some of which I was amazed I ever fit in. Gee's on the other hand, no matter how old they were they were the same size throughout, 32x34. He had 15 pairs of jeans, no one needs that many pairs of jeans, tee shirts, button shirts and a few things I would have to say were probably 25 years old. I saved only two things that someone couldn't wear, his uniform and his tee shirt that says, "THE ONLY ONE WHO REALLY KNOWS WHATS GOING ON" seeing that shirt brought the tears. The kids gave him that shirt on his birthday maybe 15 years ago. Clayton found it in I think a Hallmark store. Did he laugh when he opened it, wore it to work the very next day.
I did get rid of the softball coat he, Tom and Phil had made...his and Toms said THE CHOCOLATE CONNECTION on the back, Phils was the same but for the word caramel written in script under because he was white...
So much stuff, but then it seems like so little....8 bags holds what used to seem so important, so much a part of what was thought to be Gee....the clothes will soon be gone, but he himself is here with me and will remain in my heart....so when I see a red and white baseball jacket I can smile knowing that once there was a jacket that said the Chocolate Connection on the back.....
Gee never threw anything away, we have so much crap in the cellar, paint cans, 3" pieces of plastic pipe, empty boxes, old computers.The back shed is full of old stuff he wouldn't toss, an old mattress, pieces of wood that aren't good for nothing, old rakes he was going to fix, and old lawn mower, just a bunch of crap. So much junk. After cleaning out my Dad's house, my brothers and sisters all said they were going to go through all the junk they had to avoid the need for the dumpster....well I didn't do that, I wonder if they did?
Closet and Dresser
For people who never go anywhere we sure had alot of clothes. I at least have a slight excuse....my clothes were of many different sizes, some of which I was amazed I ever fit in. Gee's on the other hand, no matter how old they were they were the same size throughout, 32x34. He had 15 pairs of jeans, no one needs that many pairs of jeans, tee shirts, button shirts and a few things I would have to say were probably 25 years old. I saved only two things that someone couldn't wear, his uniform and his tee shirt that says, "THE ONLY ONE WHO REALLY KNOWS WHATS GOING ON" seeing that shirt brought the tears. The kids gave him that shirt on his birthday maybe 15 years ago. Clayton found it in I think a Hallmark store. Did he laugh when he opened it, wore it to work the very next day.
I did get rid of the softball coat he, Tom and Phil had made...his and Toms said THE CHOCOLATE CONNECTION on the back, Phils was the same but for the word caramel written in script under because he was white...
So much stuff, but then it seems like so little....8 bags holds what used to seem so important, so much a part of what was thought to be Gee....the clothes will soon be gone, but he himself is here with me and will remain in my heart....so when I see a red and white baseball jacket I can smile knowing that once there was a jacket that said the Chocolate Connection on the back.....
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Just a Few Things
Gee's cactus flowered today, Valentines Day. Isn't that something, must have been budding for a few days and I never noticed. Walked in from work and there it was, one flower in full bloom and so many buds. I can't tell you how many times I thought that plant was done for. Gee would repot, feed, use some of his "black magic" as he would say and it would begin to flower once again. It would be just like him though...
Sonny called Saturday, seems one of the companies he does business with sent a very generous donation to the New York Presbyterian Hospital in Gee's name.So there is now a plaque with Gee's name on it in the hospital some where. He is sending a copy of the letter he was sent.
I don't think my father ever used my mothers dresser after she died, even after my sisters and I took care of her things. It was Ma's and that was that. I have had my own reservations about that myself. Well, I have emptied a drawer and put some sweatshirts in. Doesn't sound like much I know. However, all the time I was doing it the tears fell. It's a start and the rest will follow in due time.
I was going to take a seminar for three days over February vacation. Para's aren't usually invited for these sessions but this time we were invited. The classes are to instruct us on how to help the student with their self esteem, dealing with people in a polite manner, taking responsibility for their actions, pretty much being their parents and teaching them life's lessons our parents taught us that are not being taught at home. The thought of a week home alone wasn't really high on my list of things to do, so I signed up. Anyway, the invitation has been rescinded.....to much interest. What was really being said was there was no money for the para's to take the classes....$1000, for three days, 8:30 to 5. Guess they decided that we weren't worth the investment....
Sonny called Saturday, seems one of the companies he does business with sent a very generous donation to the New York Presbyterian Hospital in Gee's name.So there is now a plaque with Gee's name on it in the hospital some where. He is sending a copy of the letter he was sent.
I don't think my father ever used my mothers dresser after she died, even after my sisters and I took care of her things. It was Ma's and that was that. I have had my own reservations about that myself. Well, I have emptied a drawer and put some sweatshirts in. Doesn't sound like much I know. However, all the time I was doing it the tears fell. It's a start and the rest will follow in due time.
I was going to take a seminar for three days over February vacation. Para's aren't usually invited for these sessions but this time we were invited. The classes are to instruct us on how to help the student with their self esteem, dealing with people in a polite manner, taking responsibility for their actions, pretty much being their parents and teaching them life's lessons our parents taught us that are not being taught at home. The thought of a week home alone wasn't really high on my list of things to do, so I signed up. Anyway, the invitation has been rescinded.....to much interest. What was really being said was there was no money for the para's to take the classes....$1000, for three days, 8:30 to 5. Guess they decided that we weren't worth the investment....
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Ironing....who'd have thought
The simplest things can bring memories. Today I was ironing, I hate ironing, and I was flooded with memories.
When Gee was in the army, before they had perminate press uniforms, he would come home at lunch every day and change his uniform, couldn't yell at troops if you looked as bad as they did. His uniforms were starched so much he would have to put his two hands in and spread them apart, making this ripping noise, before he could get into them . His boots, toes and heels, were so shining you could see yourself in them. He was the First Sargent and everyone who saw him new it....
And then there was the time I came home from work to the sight of all my pajama's laying on the deck railing drying. When I asked Gee why, he told me it was because the last time he did laundry I yelled at him for putting my pajamas in the dryer.....At first I didn't understand then it hit me....he had washed and dryed my brand new linen pants. They not only shrunk but were in tatters....to him they were pajama pants....
or the time I came in the door, Rachel and Steve behind me. We see Gee carrying a pot of steaming water up the stairs telling me the tub is stopped up. He had been plunging and pouring water and liquid plummer for the past few hours. I went in and he's plunging and plunging and nothing was happening. He's telling me to go call Micah, the plummer.....no I don't think we need him.....I reach over and lift the handle and unstop the tub.....you can fill in the rest.....
Maybe I don't hate ironing as much as I thought
When Gee was in the army, before they had perminate press uniforms, he would come home at lunch every day and change his uniform, couldn't yell at troops if you looked as bad as they did. His uniforms were starched so much he would have to put his two hands in and spread them apart, making this ripping noise, before he could get into them . His boots, toes and heels, were so shining you could see yourself in them. He was the First Sargent and everyone who saw him new it....
And then there was the time I came home from work to the sight of all my pajama's laying on the deck railing drying. When I asked Gee why, he told me it was because the last time he did laundry I yelled at him for putting my pajamas in the dryer.....At first I didn't understand then it hit me....he had washed and dryed my brand new linen pants. They not only shrunk but were in tatters....to him they were pajama pants....
or the time I came in the door, Rachel and Steve behind me. We see Gee carrying a pot of steaming water up the stairs telling me the tub is stopped up. He had been plunging and pouring water and liquid plummer for the past few hours. I went in and he's plunging and plunging and nothing was happening. He's telling me to go call Micah, the plummer.....no I don't think we need him.....I reach over and lift the handle and unstop the tub.....you can fill in the rest.....
Maybe I don't hate ironing as much as I thought
Friday, February 11, 2011
Freddie
My constant companion has been ill. I was very worried about him, didn't meet me at the door after work on Wednesday. He's such a happy little dog, tail wags constantly with smiling eyes that adore me.
,
After having to euthanize Boss at 13 after falling down the stairs I was not having another dog. He was such a beautiful animal, smart, loyal, protective and my first real dog....my mother didn't like dogs, well she liked other peoples dogs. Before Gee left for Korea we had a Silky Terrier for a short time. However, my fathers cat attacked the little guy and Gee brought him to Texas to Yvette. Boss was special and I loved him dearly.
It took about two months before Rachel started working towards another dog. She started in on me first, can we get another dog....no.....please....its up to Daddy.....it took her a while about a week and we began looking for a new dog. We visited many shelters in the area, our local shelter was having an open house, so we went. There he was sitting in his kennel, looking away from all the people. It was almost like he was saying I'm to old they wont want me....Then he turned and looked at me and I was lost. Gee wanted the rotti/pit mix but he was going to be bigger than Boss who was 120 pounds, to big. Here is where they say he was 7 and had been in a shelter for 2 years,has had heart worm,is Lyme positive....! I didn't care I wanted him.....so here we are 2 years plus later.
He has been vomiting, drinking water, and vomiting again. I called the vet and she wanted to do blood work, x-rays all that kind of stuff, lets rule out an obstruction, and how much will that cost....drum roll.....about $800....ah gee, is there something we can do first? Well if it's just constipation you could give him 2T of pumpkin, it helps "grease things along"....lets try that first and if it doesn't help I'll call tomorrow. Well without all the gory details, it worked...I found evidence all over the kitchen early this morning about 4am when I was awaken by a waifing oder of dead dog.....Freddie hiding in his bed, looking so pitiful because he messed up the kitchen. It's ok old dog...patting him while his tail wags so much you'd think it would wag right off.
I have my bouncy, dumb, tail wagging fool back..... following me everywhere I go. His treatment cost.....drum roll......$1.20... I like my Vet, but sometimes, all it takes something to just "grease things along"
,
After having to euthanize Boss at 13 after falling down the stairs I was not having another dog. He was such a beautiful animal, smart, loyal, protective and my first real dog....my mother didn't like dogs, well she liked other peoples dogs. Before Gee left for Korea we had a Silky Terrier for a short time. However, my fathers cat attacked the little guy and Gee brought him to Texas to Yvette. Boss was special and I loved him dearly.
It took about two months before Rachel started working towards another dog. She started in on me first, can we get another dog....no.....please....its up to Daddy.....it took her a while about a week and we began looking for a new dog. We visited many shelters in the area, our local shelter was having an open house, so we went. There he was sitting in his kennel, looking away from all the people. It was almost like he was saying I'm to old they wont want me....Then he turned and looked at me and I was lost. Gee wanted the rotti/pit mix but he was going to be bigger than Boss who was 120 pounds, to big. Here is where they say he was 7 and had been in a shelter for 2 years,has had heart worm,is Lyme positive....! I didn't care I wanted him.....so here we are 2 years plus later.
He has been vomiting, drinking water, and vomiting again. I called the vet and she wanted to do blood work, x-rays all that kind of stuff, lets rule out an obstruction, and how much will that cost....drum roll.....about $800....ah gee, is there something we can do first? Well if it's just constipation you could give him 2T of pumpkin, it helps "grease things along"....lets try that first and if it doesn't help I'll call tomorrow. Well without all the gory details, it worked...I found evidence all over the kitchen early this morning about 4am when I was awaken by a waifing oder of dead dog.....Freddie hiding in his bed, looking so pitiful because he messed up the kitchen. It's ok old dog...patting him while his tail wags so much you'd think it would wag right off.
I have my bouncy, dumb, tail wagging fool back..... following me everywhere I go. His treatment cost.....drum roll......$1.20... I like my Vet, but sometimes, all it takes something to just "grease things along"
Monday, February 7, 2011
I'll See You in My Dreams
I have been dreaming of Gee, very pleasant dreams. They have all been very similar, we are just walking together on a road, neither of us talking, just feeling very comfortable. Very much like our lives together. Many would say we were boring, I guess we were. Gee would watch TV and I would read. Sometimes we wouldn't say 10 words to each other all evening.We enjoyed each others company.
Dreams can bring fear or comfort. I haven't slept as good for months. I wake up with a sense of calm that I haven't felt in a very long time, if ever. I miss him terribly, but on these mornings that I have dreamt of him I don't have the same emptiness in my heart, for a while.
During the Concert for George many years ago, Joe Brown sang a song titled "I'll See You in MY Dreams" Will I see Gee in my dreams, I do hope I do. There we can walk together, not talking, just enjoying each others company once again.
I'll see you in my dreams
And I'll hold you in my dreams
Someone took you right out of my arms
Still I feel the thrill of your charms
Lips that once were mine
Tender eyes that shine
They will light my way tonight
I'll see you in my dreams
Oh, someone took you right out of my arms
Still I feel the thrill of your charms
Lips that once were mine
Tender eyes that shine
They will light my way tonight
I'll see you in my dreams
Joe Brown
Dreams can bring fear or comfort. I haven't slept as good for months. I wake up with a sense of calm that I haven't felt in a very long time, if ever. I miss him terribly, but on these mornings that I have dreamt of him I don't have the same emptiness in my heart, for a while.
During the Concert for George many years ago, Joe Brown sang a song titled "I'll See You in MY Dreams" Will I see Gee in my dreams, I do hope I do. There we can walk together, not talking, just enjoying each others company once again.
I'll see you in my dreams
And I'll hold you in my dreams
Someone took you right out of my arms
Still I feel the thrill of your charms
Lips that once were mine
Tender eyes that shine
They will light my way tonight
I'll see you in my dreams
Oh, someone took you right out of my arms
Still I feel the thrill of your charms
Lips that once were mine
Tender eyes that shine
They will light my way tonight
I'll see you in my dreams
Joe Brown
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Our Anniversary
February 18th, our wedding anniversary.....28 years married, 35 years together or would have been...and I would jump at the chance to do it all again. It passed by so quickly, hardly more than a blink of an eye. Some would think we don't have much to show for it. An old house that needs work from top to bottom and a few bucks in the bank. I drive a new to me car, work for peanuts in the school system, hope the snow blower lasts the winter, not to mention the oil....
I also have two wonderful children and 34 years of wonderful memories. He was a simple man with simple pleasures. His family, dominoes, the blues, and pinochle. For years his favorite thing was going to BJ's to play cards, have a few drinks and some good food, what more could a simple man ask for. Anyone who knew him heard that laugh the memory of which brings tears to my eyes, so loud, so contagious, and so genuine. We once had someone move his car at the drive in because he was so loud at a Mel Brooks movie....beans anyone....
He's been gone now 2 months, I am coping. Most days aren't to bad I am busy at work, not much time to think about myself. The nights are a challenge. Laureen and David try to make sure I eat regular by inviting me to dinner a couple times a week. I haven't gotten used to the quiet. I have the radio or the television on even when I read, which I haven't done much of lately...bifocals leave much to be desired, might get just some reading glasses...have to talk to Joel about that....or on the computer. I have touched base so to speak with an old friend through blogging that was quite pleasant, more memories to contemplate.
Rachel doesn't come home as much now, busy with school and friends, as it should be. She is going to make a difference in the world, even if it is only in her little corner of it. A kinder soul I have never met. Clayton is busy with his own family. He has grown into a fine young man and a great dad, so much like his father. Quick to laugh and very laid back. He and Katie are excellent parents, Jaxon is the center of their world, they are enjoying every minute they have with him.
After my grandfather died my grandmother said to me, she was supposed to go first, she was the oldest. Well not that I thought I would go first, however, I never thought for a minute Gee would leave me this soon. He was older but also the healthiest of anyone I knew, still calling basketball at 72. Until he was diagnosed with cancer the second time, I thought surly he would live at least as long as his father, 93, well we all know that didn't happen.
Where do I go from here? That's any ones guess.
I also have two wonderful children and 34 years of wonderful memories. He was a simple man with simple pleasures. His family, dominoes, the blues, and pinochle. For years his favorite thing was going to BJ's to play cards, have a few drinks and some good food, what more could a simple man ask for. Anyone who knew him heard that laugh the memory of which brings tears to my eyes, so loud, so contagious, and so genuine. We once had someone move his car at the drive in because he was so loud at a Mel Brooks movie....beans anyone....
He's been gone now 2 months, I am coping. Most days aren't to bad I am busy at work, not much time to think about myself. The nights are a challenge. Laureen and David try to make sure I eat regular by inviting me to dinner a couple times a week. I haven't gotten used to the quiet. I have the radio or the television on even when I read, which I haven't done much of lately...bifocals leave much to be desired, might get just some reading glasses...have to talk to Joel about that....or on the computer. I have touched base so to speak with an old friend through blogging that was quite pleasant, more memories to contemplate.
Rachel doesn't come home as much now, busy with school and friends, as it should be. She is going to make a difference in the world, even if it is only in her little corner of it. A kinder soul I have never met. Clayton is busy with his own family. He has grown into a fine young man and a great dad, so much like his father. Quick to laugh and very laid back. He and Katie are excellent parents, Jaxon is the center of their world, they are enjoying every minute they have with him.
After my grandfather died my grandmother said to me, she was supposed to go first, she was the oldest. Well not that I thought I would go first, however, I never thought for a minute Gee would leave me this soon. He was older but also the healthiest of anyone I knew, still calling basketball at 72. Until he was diagnosed with cancer the second time, I thought surly he would live at least as long as his father, 93, well we all know that didn't happen.
Where do I go from here? That's any ones guess.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Report Cards
The Q2 report cards came out today. One of my kids, I wrote about him earlier, got 4 b's,1 c and a d+ (69). I am so proud of him, he worked so hard to get here. He has asked for a recommendation to the Tech. school, I told him I will gladly write him one.
These are the days that let me know I really do make a difference in these kids lives. To see the pride in his face makes all the rest worth it!!
These are the days that let me know I really do make a difference in these kids lives. To see the pride in his face makes all the rest worth it!!
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