Depression

Funny how your eyes get opened when you end up on the other end of things... like depression...always thought just get up and move...depression gone, you just have to make yourself move... here I am 11 years after he died and on the outside looks like all is well...behind closed doors, well that's another story all together... many nights I sit listening to all those old songs that meant so much to us, to other songs that  make me think of all the things I should have said and done that didn't... I have noticed my depression has gotten so much worse since I lost Finny...he could always tell when I needed him close with his warm brown eyes looking at me...Lynda and her dog Buddy make me move, still going walkies...broke my heart watching Buddy look for Finn, his friend ... many days I don't move from the chair, or get dressed, or do much of anything... time passes so very fast but also so slowly...I can't seem to move past it...I do all the things I'm supposed to do, go to work, laundry, cook...nothing brings any satisfaction any more... I no longer have dreams of the future, did I ever have any... so many things I have no desire to do...I no longer read for pleasure, or sew, or much of anything all I really want to do is sleep... no dreams just nothingness,,,for when I sleep I no longer exist....

sadness

 Forty five years....how can it be so long.....graduated in June met Gee in December...never looked back...I miss him so very much... 11 years ago you left me

Eleven Years

 How can it be, my heart is still empty, my breath still labors, 11 years. Soon your day will come again, December 18th, Gee's Day. I don't know what I thought would happen after you left this world but it sure wasn't this. I never thought after 11 years I would still have an ache in my heart that would stop an elephant in it's tracks. I didn't think I would look at the couch and still see a hospital bed. I never thought.... that's really it...I never thought any of this would happen. Missing you as much today as I did the first day you left this world. Always and forever ❤

Good bye Old Friend

 It's been a couple of weeks since I lost Finn to a cancerous tumor that no one knew he had.... Words can not express the sadness that fills my heart. The happy dog that has been my companion these past years... I would have given anything to save him but the ruptured tumor was filling his belly with blood...

Says it all...

Sad Realization

 Took Finn to the vet yesterday for his yearly visit...he needed his shots and a once over....the bill $100 more than last year...what did they do you may ask...can't be real sure because I couldn't go in... I have to say we have used this vet for the past 20+ years... they sent me a survey that I tried to fill out truthfully....

"My animals have always received wonderful care, which is why I am heartbroken to come to the realization that Finn will be my last dog the cost of care has skyrocketed to a point that my budget can not keep up...you've told me he needs dental cleaning ,,,your estimate is almost two weeks pay for me...how can I ever justify such an expense.... I have always stated if you can't take care of your animals you shouldn't have them....I have always loved and cared for all my animals...it will be a sad and lonely day when they are no longer part of my life."

Life after 10

I find that as I get older I seek the quiet of my own company. I miss seeing my kids and my grandchildren but the day to day meetings of others I have little use for. I have always been introverted but things have become even more internalized. I enjoy walking the dog in the early morning hearing the loons on the lake, seeing the pair of cardinals fly past. However, I don't have the great desire to engage in the niceties of society...Finn being my constant companion is more than I need.

I have been thinking of Gee very much lately. We are coming up on his tenth anniversary. I still can't get over that he's gone...I have so much I need to tell him....I need his strength, his undying optimism. 

Life sure has a way of giving you everything you never thought you needed or even wanted but once you get it you sure can't imagine ever living without it.... and then you have to. This sure isn't where I ever thought I'd be after all these years... all those dreams of youth. We were going to go to all the places Gee went to on his journey...Germany, Korea, Alaska... instead we spent those last years traveling to doctors, tests and scans...I would have continued forever just to have him with me... 

Always and forever

I Remember You

Nine Years

9 years....feels like 90

December 18, 2010  6am

The world changed forever

Gee's Day

Tomorrow is Gee's day, at 6 am on December 18, 2010 Gee died. Eight years.

 I still find myself fighting depression. Doctor asks if I want/need medication, ah no. My last appointment I was asked what do I do for hobbies....I read I told him...he was concerned that I spend a lot of time alone, I'm not alone I have the dog....dogs don't talk he said....I'm sure he has never had a dog.

I don't write much...it's always the same....missing Gee, depression, work sucks...no one wants to read that, I don't want to write that...

I miss Gee as much as ever. I think of him all the time.

SO I MADE IT....I'M 60

Yep hard to believe I made it to 60. Never thought it would happen. I remember seeing obituaries when I was younger, much younger, all these people dying at 70, 72 wow good long life right....until you are closer to the end of your life than the beginning. Nothing really changed at 60 or at 50, 40 I still got up went to work did the school thing came home cooked dinner same old same old!!

Made it through another Christmas, too. What started out as being dinner for 8 turned into dinner for 14. First Steve's mom and Mike changed their minds and came ok ten is no  problem. Then Steve's old room mate Justin had a few days to visit, whats one more now we are 11...oh Chris may not be working..ok 12.... then Christmas morning Rachel tells me Bob and Trevor...the twins as they will forever be known, are alone...I had forgotten their mom moved to Florida this summer...call them and invite them, we are now 14, oh but Chris did work, double time, so we were 13. Things were a bit tight, but there was plenty of food, good conversation, and company....all in all a good day...

only thing missing was Gee...


So as you can gather I wrote this a few months ago, I don't know why I didn't post it....probably started feeling sorry for myself. So why revisit and maybe post an "updated" version....Found out yesterday all the para positions at the Middle School are being cut next year unless the city passes a 21/2 override, maybe, we are of coarse the last to be reinstated on the list.  So 5 floor paras, all women over 60, are cut, Five women who have worked at GMS for between 10-27 years are now looking for a "home" as Gee would say. We 5 are sitting at the top of the pay ladder for paras, which isn't very high more of a step stool. The lowest paid of all city employees. So now we fight for the right to bump another employee to try to keep a job in a school system where we are not valued.

So I will begin to weigh my options....how far do you think someone who has spent the last 10 years reteaching 7th grade math and science will get??? I'm thinking not very far.....

ANOTHER BIRTHDAY ON THE HORIZON

Monday is Gee's birthday. One would think after almost 7 years things would have gotten easier....in some ways it has...I no longer take his birthday off from work....I keep myself very busy so not to "think to much"....I don't go to the cemetery every week.... but I still miss him more than I could have ever imagined.

HAWKS, NUMBERS AND OTHER SIGNS

 Native people believe that red tailed hawks are messengers from the spirit world. That they come from loved ones....I always think of Gee when I see them.

Yesterday while taking Finn for a walk a big bird flew past us and landed on a tree branch...took my breath away... a red tailed hawk. He sat on the branch surveying the area.  He sat for a few seconds, took to flight, circled and flew off. I always feel better when I see these signs.....

 I never thought of these things before Gee died. For a long time after I would wake at night and see numbers...3:33, 5:55....until I said something to Lynda....she is "sensitive", has feelings, dreams of things....she told me that some believe they are signs from angels....feathers in your path....dragonflies and butterflies....Gee's cactus budding at strange times....

I really don't know what I believe, however I always feel a sense calm after I see one of these signs. As if Gee is still here with me. I miss him so very much.

WALKIES

Finn and I walk often with my friend Lynda and her dog Buddy. We have a few favorite places. Our newest place is just off the highway, 3.5 miles through the woods, one way. We can only walk this path on days off now that it is getting dark so early.

Today we decided to try. It was so warm, 50's, had rained for a couple of days we hoped the snow was manageable. Most of the way was clear, some ice, a bit of snow. Things had gone well. got out to the end, dogs got their treats and we were heading back to the car. All was going well until I found myself on the ground. Finn, being the good dog he is, turned around and came to me instead of running. I really don't know what happened, I felt my right foot slip, which must have hit my left foot, which put me on my ass. Lynda said it was the most graceful fall she had ever seen.....yeah that's me, graceful!

As they say, nothing was hurt but my pride...well I think I pulled a muscle in my arm, but otherwise things are fine.

6 YEARS

I was just thinking that I could re post any of my 'missing Gee" posts, change some date and there ya go....nothing changes.... I miss him more everyday. I am in a melancholy phase right now...feeling very sorry for myself. Listening to old songs, they are like old friends, bringing old memories back to life......"Funny how time slips away".....Willie Nelson.....

TO THE WOMAN WHO WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION WHILE DRIVING

I am so sorry the light turned red while you were looking at your phone and you almost ran into the back of my car.

 I am so sorry that when you laid on your horn and waved I returned the gesture in kind....however I do need to inform you, a peace sign uses two fingers, not one.

 I am so sorry that the angrier you got  the slower I drove. I guess you missed the turn when I gestured to you that I was turning right after you followed me for a half mile.

I am so sorry that you were so angry you put not only your safety at risk, by your behavior, but that of your passenger as well. You do not know me, you have no idea of what I am capable of.

You were lucky, I am a reasonable person who avoids confrontation. I would guess you have met my like before to carry on in such a way. For had you met someone who gets as angry as you when you make a mistake the outcome may well be different.

CHANGES

Well, a new year is almost here. I am very apprehensive about the future. We have a whole new administration. Everyone, Deb, Sam, Murph and Kate all moved on to greener pastures. So there will be new bosses everywhere, Principal, VP, Dean of Students and Sp-Ed chair. That's a whole lot of new. Not to mention they needed to fill 6 special ed teachers, two maternity leaves and a paternity leave. The place wont look the same at all.

So had a meeting with the new boss. Lets just say not feeling very good about it. She isn't sure about the backpack program...wants us n the classrooms (we always did it on own time)....ok but this has come from the Superintendent....well we'll have to think about that..... How do you feel about Project Support.... can't do the emotional or physical aspects of the job anymore... My feelings are she sat there pretending to listen but has already made her mind up so nothing I said made a difference. Really, you come to a very poor district where almost half of our kids are free or reduced lunch and you don't know if you want to help feed them over the weekend, not a good sign at all. My feeling...I'm screwed....

Steve has left for school, two years in Ithaca. Rachel will stay here. She would have to be re-licensed to work in New York. They are getting closer to picking a date for the wedding....2018, because of Steve's financial aid can't be sooner. They have decided that it will be small, 50 people or so. Rachel has always wanted a fall wedding but that might have to be changed too. Steve will have no insurance come August '18 so they have been discussing a spring wedding...that to we will have to wait and see.

UPDATE

 My new boss has done as I predicted...I am back in Project Support....so much for caring for her staff and students....

Detention

Is there anything worse than serving detention on the Friday before vacation!

Well yes there is, being the detention supervisor on the Friday before vacation!

Today I started with two boys, both well known to staff. They are a handful but not really bad. Mostly they are the flunkies for another student, RS, that thinks he doesn't have to follow the rules. They asked the usual, what time is this over, can I call my mother....

Everyone gets the same speech.....

     If you sit quiet, do as your asked, no talking,are no problem, you will be out early, fool around, make trouble or don't listen you'll be here until 3:30, if I have to to throw you out, at anytime this detention wont count.

For the first ten minutes the two boys are quiet then here come RS with Sam. He will be joining us today for detention...IR starts fooling around with his pencil, TM starts tapping....so I look up and RS is just smiling...I walked to IS an say very quietly..., if I were you I would move to the other side of the table so I wouldn't be tempted to fool around with RS...he looks at me and starts to say something but waits when I say, I will toss you right out of here....I DONT PLAY GAMES...he moved...TM was watching, I told him the same thing, he turns around....RS starts coughing, can I get a drink, no....I'm coughing I need a drink, no....I need to call my mother, no....she needs to know what time to get me, no.... I say, you can't leave, can't call, can't do anything until you are released from detention. If you continue you will be here way after your buddies....now he's dancing to music in his head...but has no audience,.... R turn around, knock it off, or I will toss you and this detention wont count.....

Three o'clock comes....IR and TM you guys can go....RS looks at me, turns around saying nothing so I let him go at 3:10.

Ruth

My oldest sister, Ruth, is having some health issues. She has been battling infections of one form or another for the past two months. In and out of hospitals and rehab facilities. Just when things start to look up, wham, another set back. This last one was very concerning. She was doing very well, off the antibiotics, doing a bit of pt and then.....confusion, hallucinations, wont eat, swearing (not my sister). That was bad enough, however, her daughter couldn't get anyone to acknowledge that there was a problem, never mind how we can fix it.

She tried calling the doctor at the rehab facility....Thursday night....no phone call, Friday,... no phone call, Saturday...call the Admin Office....no phone call....talks to a doctor who thinks she's doing ok...really, she's having conversations with my father whose been dead for 19 years, check her for a UTI...She tells this guy "I will be there tomorrow morning, what time are you going to be there?"...She meets him at 9, his hands in his pockets, telling her Ruth is doing well...9am asks for one of those machines to help measure lung function, the things you blow into to move the ball....I got there at 10, no plastic thing...talk to the nurse, Ruth wont eat asks for oxygen...they need a doctors order???....11 no oxygen yet, have a call in to respiratory...11:30...MY MOTHER IS IN DISTRESS SHE NEEDS OXYGEN!!!...12:00, in walks Joe, the repository supervisor, Takes Ruth's oxygen level, 86...listens to her rattled breathing, orders a chest x ray and starts the flow of oxygen, brings in the plastic puffer thing....then asks us questions....the look of horror/concern on that mans face was beyond what anyone could imagine....he started asking for names, if you don't have names he wants times.....FINALLY someone will listen...

A little to late....as her healthcare proxy, her daughter insisted on bringing her back to the hospital she started at, she is there right now, waiting in the er for a room.

Now we can worry about her, not the care or the lack of care she will be receiving.

 Heaven help those elderly who can't advocate for themselves, or don't have someone to advocate for them.