Monday, September 19, 2011
melt down
melt down.....not one of my kids, me......going over my new, new schedule today I told the Dean I'm done .... I'm done, this is the one place that I'm not supposed to have to think about what I'm doing, I should know what I'm doing and I don't..... and then I started crying...... I never bring those feelings to school.....they are to stay at home waiting to be revisited....not to be reveled to others.... no one knew Gee's birthday was yesterday, I don't talk of Gee to anyone, oh the Gee would say or Gee did, sure but never ever how I feel about him or anything even close....I can't....I feel if I ever did I could not stop and I would be lost forever..... how can you tell someone that you have lost your soul....that you are empty inside, there is nothing left of you because you gave it all to one who is gone...and they took it with them....maybe he needed it for the strength to leave ...... no one really wants to know these things....they want to hear you lie and say all is well.....
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
JUST A PARAPROFESSIONAL
I never thought I would say it, I hate my job this year! It is only the 13th of September and my schedule has changed 10 times if it changed once. I was told today, in a very condescending way, my student, A, who has not been out in the student body for two years, doesn't have a one to one accommodation in his IEP, he'll be fine in two classes alone. So I have been pulled to go to the 7th grade floor to follow a kid, F, who also doesn't have a one to one accommodation, but has been out in regular classes, I guess he is more important....
I sound bitter, well I am. I am good at my job, I know my kids, and to be told in such a way that I don't know what I'm talking about has just about crushed me. This from someone who has repeatedly told me I should go back to school because I am so good at what I do.Yes I am "just" a paraprofessional, I do not have a 4 year degree, I have a 2 year degree in Human Services and something that is obviously lacking in the administration, I have common sense. My common sense tells me A will crash and burn with out support. He will spend his 8th grade year as he did his 6th and 7th, in a room with no contact with the other students and they will wonder why his social skills do not improve.
A is not the only kids I work with, in his two classes of 25 students there are 6 other kids, that's 7 out of 25, that's 28% of the class is on an IEP, but it makes sense to "them" to move me for one kid...oh yeah I didn't tell you THERE ARE TWO TEACHERS IN THAT ELA CLASS ALREADY!!!!
I am sick over this. In all my years working in Project Support I have never never felt like quiting, bitching yes but never quiting. I guess I'll have to buy my first lottery ticket, never felt the need, my only question, which one and what do you do with them once you buy it?
I sound bitter, well I am. I am good at my job, I know my kids, and to be told in such a way that I don't know what I'm talking about has just about crushed me. This from someone who has repeatedly told me I should go back to school because I am so good at what I do.Yes I am "just" a paraprofessional, I do not have a 4 year degree, I have a 2 year degree in Human Services and something that is obviously lacking in the administration, I have common sense. My common sense tells me A will crash and burn with out support. He will spend his 8th grade year as he did his 6th and 7th, in a room with no contact with the other students and they will wonder why his social skills do not improve.
A is not the only kids I work with, in his two classes of 25 students there are 6 other kids, that's 7 out of 25, that's 28% of the class is on an IEP, but it makes sense to "them" to move me for one kid...oh yeah I didn't tell you THERE ARE TWO TEACHERS IN THAT ELA CLASS ALREADY!!!!
I am sick over this. In all my years working in Project Support I have never never felt like quiting, bitching yes but never quiting. I guess I'll have to buy my first lottery ticket, never felt the need, my only question, which one and what do you do with them once you buy it?
Monday, September 12, 2011
Kindness of Others
Dave Duncan lives behind me. From the day we moved in he and Gee hit it off. Helping each other with projects around the house. Gee helping Dave dig drainage ditches, Dave helping Gee hang doors. Whatever needed doing they always knew they had another set of hands to make the work go faster.
When Gee got to ill to do the yard work, Dave started taking care of it all. From mowing to fertilizing he had it covered. Telling me not to worry just take care of Gee and myself. Dave took Gee's final illness as hard as anyone. Always a welcomed visitor, each time he stopped he left visibly shaken to see how rapidly Gee was failing, careful not to let Gee see how hard it was to see him so vulnerable.
Saturday when I got home from the grocery store he had mowed the front and was working on the back. When I went out back to thank him he said what he always says..... Gee would do it for me...... he is so right Gee would
When Gee got to ill to do the yard work, Dave started taking care of it all. From mowing to fertilizing he had it covered. Telling me not to worry just take care of Gee and myself. Dave took Gee's final illness as hard as anyone. Always a welcomed visitor, each time he stopped he left visibly shaken to see how rapidly Gee was failing, careful not to let Gee see how hard it was to see him so vulnerable.
Saturday when I got home from the grocery store he had mowed the front and was working on the back. When I went out back to thank him he said what he always says..... Gee would do it for me...... he is so right Gee would
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Gee's Birthday
Gee was born in Georgia.His grandfather was born a slave, Gee was born September 18, 1934, his father was a share cropper, his mother a wife with 7 children at the time, 8 by the time she died less than 5 years later. Bonnie and Clyde were alive and well, John Dillinger was killed and Alcatraz opened for business. He would tell stories of his childhood that were so foreign to me. Picking cotton with his twin sister knowing they couldn't pick fast enough for his aunt, who would beat them if they didn't fill the bag as fast as she. Eating fried salt pork and corn bread for dinner because there wasn't anything else. Of going to Cleveland and being even hungrier than in Georgia, at least there you could run down a rabbit on occasion. Leaving home at 13 never to go back, until his brother James died 30 years later. Even then if not for Babygirl he wouldn't have gone back. While at the funeral his father says to him, "I know you don't I??
Babygirl has said Gee was very protective of us when he was in Cleveland. Not liking many questions ....the usual, why a white girl, why one so young.....Babygirl said he would always say what do I want with some one as old as me, I need someone to take care of me in my old age....he was joking at the time, little did he know. He didn't like people in "his business" was very private. Not many ever really knew what he was thinking, how he felt about things. Oh he would argue over almost anything, but not much of himself would shine through. He learned very early, friends were the ones who hurt you.... what happened to make him that way I have no idea.
Gee had many sayings. Impossible only takes a little longer,..... it's your friends that will hurt ya....., believe half of what you see, none of what you hear......... if it wasn't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all..... Rachel has said she wants a tattoo in memory of her Dad... Impossible only takes a little longer...he said that to her often....and she believes it.
I can't believe so much time has passed..... it still seems it was only yesterday, not 35 years, that I met him. I was hooked that's for sure. He collected people, the ones that stayed stayed forever. We had friends he was in Germany with, people he called sports with, old army buddies, people who played sports, the list is endless. We had a good ride, so to speak. I would do it again, in a minute, even knowing he would leave me alone so soon. All the tears, the heart ache, and the loneliness was all worth it.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY........
Babygirl has said Gee was very protective of us when he was in Cleveland. Not liking many questions ....the usual, why a white girl, why one so young.....Babygirl said he would always say what do I want with some one as old as me, I need someone to take care of me in my old age....he was joking at the time, little did he know. He didn't like people in "his business" was very private. Not many ever really knew what he was thinking, how he felt about things. Oh he would argue over almost anything, but not much of himself would shine through. He learned very early, friends were the ones who hurt you.... what happened to make him that way I have no idea.
Gee had many sayings. Impossible only takes a little longer,..... it's your friends that will hurt ya....., believe half of what you see, none of what you hear......... if it wasn't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all..... Rachel has said she wants a tattoo in memory of her Dad... Impossible only takes a little longer...he said that to her often....and she believes it.
I can't believe so much time has passed..... it still seems it was only yesterday, not 35 years, that I met him. I was hooked that's for sure. He collected people, the ones that stayed stayed forever. We had friends he was in Germany with, people he called sports with, old army buddies, people who played sports, the list is endless. We had a good ride, so to speak. I would do it again, in a minute, even knowing he would leave me alone so soon. All the tears, the heart ache, and the loneliness was all worth it.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY........
Saturday, September 3, 2011
school begins
After 5 days with students I have already had to sub for my teacher 2 days, Thursday and Friday. She gets headaches... My schedule still isn't right, I still have two classes a day that I have to "find" something to do. Most days I go to 7th grade science, Kristina graduated with Clayton, very funny and engaging teacher.
Rachel moves in on Monday, she can't wait. Missing her classes and her friends. She will come back for her birthday and get her car. Where does the time go, 20 years old this year.
As for me nothing changes. I haven't been sleeping well. Very strange dreams, sad dreams. Most I don't remember except I am very sad when I awake. I miss Gee as much now as the day he died. I function through the day, I go to work, cook, do laundry all those things that need doing, but when I am alone and all is quiet the pain of his not being here returns. His birthday is coming up soon, September 18 th., what will the day bring, sadness and tears I imagine.
Rachel moves in on Monday, she can't wait. Missing her classes and her friends. She will come back for her birthday and get her car. Where does the time go, 20 years old this year.
As for me nothing changes. I haven't been sleeping well. Very strange dreams, sad dreams. Most I don't remember except I am very sad when I awake. I miss Gee as much now as the day he died. I function through the day, I go to work, cook, do laundry all those things that need doing, but when I am alone and all is quiet the pain of his not being here returns. His birthday is coming up soon, September 18 th., what will the day bring, sadness and tears I imagine.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Another Season Passes
I have been caught in that place of dark thoughts and sadness. So many happy things happening around me and I feel this uncontrollable urge to run and hide under the covers hoping morning will come soon and chase the shadows away.
Jack's 2nd birthday party was yesterday. Katie gives a nice party and Clayton has gotten to be the next great grill king. I on the other hand just couldn't wait to get home. So many of their friends so genuine in their inquiries of how things are going. The thought that just last year Gee was here and though frail could still manage to attend....I had all I could do not to breakdown and cry.
Rachel and I went to see RENT at the local college Friday. I had seen the movie, so I know the story, but I was so touched by the two boys who play Angel and Collins it was all I could do not to dissolve in tears. I felt Gee's loss all over again.
I go back to work on Thursday, not looking forward to going. Another new teacher, 3rd in so many years, and she doesn't want the job. Talks of prize boxes and rewards....this is 8th grade, they need to get ready for high school and I doubt there will be any "prizes" waiting for them there. I know nothing of what I will be doing, except that I will be out in some classes. Our students range from Autistic to violent (he should be placed somewhere else)....the meek and mild to the gangsta wanna be's.
Freddie is starting to show his age, sleeping so much more, loosing his hearing, having stomach issues. He is 11 now and slowing down. I had been making his dog food, boiled chicken and rice mixed with a bit of dried food. We have moved on to organic dog food. He is doing ok so far, we'll see if it lasts. He is my constant companion, I shudder to think what would I ever have done without him these past months. He is still a happy little dog, but I do worry about him more as he ages. He is Lyme positive so that brings it's own challenges and he has had heartworm....
Rachel moves in two weeks from today. She is more than ready, missing her friends from school. She has said her goodbyes at the Manor, assuring the residents she will visit when she is home. I will miss her so very much. Fred will look for her and Buster will be happy to have "his" room back.
All will be back to normal for everyone....... everyone but me.
Jack's 2nd birthday party was yesterday. Katie gives a nice party and Clayton has gotten to be the next great grill king. I on the other hand just couldn't wait to get home. So many of their friends so genuine in their inquiries of how things are going. The thought that just last year Gee was here and though frail could still manage to attend....I had all I could do not to breakdown and cry.
Rachel and I went to see RENT at the local college Friday. I had seen the movie, so I know the story, but I was so touched by the two boys who play Angel and Collins it was all I could do not to dissolve in tears. I felt Gee's loss all over again.
I go back to work on Thursday, not looking forward to going. Another new teacher, 3rd in so many years, and she doesn't want the job. Talks of prize boxes and rewards....this is 8th grade, they need to get ready for high school and I doubt there will be any "prizes" waiting for them there. I know nothing of what I will be doing, except that I will be out in some classes. Our students range from Autistic to violent (he should be placed somewhere else)....the meek and mild to the gangsta wanna be's.
Freddie is starting to show his age, sleeping so much more, loosing his hearing, having stomach issues. He is 11 now and slowing down. I had been making his dog food, boiled chicken and rice mixed with a bit of dried food. We have moved on to organic dog food. He is doing ok so far, we'll see if it lasts. He is my constant companion, I shudder to think what would I ever have done without him these past months. He is still a happy little dog, but I do worry about him more as he ages. He is Lyme positive so that brings it's own challenges and he has had heartworm....
Rachel moves in two weeks from today. She is more than ready, missing her friends from school. She has said her goodbyes at the Manor, assuring the residents she will visit when she is home. I will miss her so very much. Fred will look for her and Buster will be happy to have "his" room back.
All will be back to normal for everyone....... everyone but me.
Friday, August 12, 2011
August
Eight months and I still see his haunted eyes, his shallow face and wasted body. That image he never wanted anyone, let alone his children see, vulnerable. I also see him laughing, with his whole heart and soul, big loud and boisterous. His big hands holding Jaxon so very gently, afraid the cancer took his strength and may drop him. I miss him so very much. Even now I wonder how will I ever make it without him, when we are making it.
I was afraid of summer vacation. How would I be without work everyday to keep me busy. It hasn't been to bad. Rachel has been home from school. I also think I am getting used to being on my own. Not feeling as guilty for the freedom of coming and going when I want. For so long I had to schedule people to sit with him, come in and check on him, before I could do what I needed to do. I find myself hearing his voice when I go places at night, he hated us out after dark.
Fall is coming soon, the stores have all the fall colors out. Back to school stuff has been out for months. Rachel can take her car this year so my trips to Westfield will be less. She will come home for her car the second weekend and will leave it over Thanksgiving, to much trouble to have over the winter. I will miss her, but she is more than ready to go back. She misses her friends.
Once again it will be Fred, Buster and me. Fred has been sleeping a lot more lately. Doesn't hear as well and shows some stiffness is the mornings. He is 10 this year. His issues with peeing in the house have gotten better. As long as we follow the same routine when we leave he seems to be ok. Some wouldn't put up with a dog like Fred, his issues and quirks, but we love him. What else can you do with an old dog?
Buster, on the other hand, shows little signs of aging. As sleek as he always was. He will be 13 this year. Never been a lap cat, more of an attack cat, he has become more affectionate as he ages. Always one to come to you for attention, being very timid, not receptive to you going at him.
Another step forward, made it through the summer.
I was afraid of summer vacation. How would I be without work everyday to keep me busy. It hasn't been to bad. Rachel has been home from school. I also think I am getting used to being on my own. Not feeling as guilty for the freedom of coming and going when I want. For so long I had to schedule people to sit with him, come in and check on him, before I could do what I needed to do. I find myself hearing his voice when I go places at night, he hated us out after dark.
Fall is coming soon, the stores have all the fall colors out. Back to school stuff has been out for months. Rachel can take her car this year so my trips to Westfield will be less. She will come home for her car the second weekend and will leave it over Thanksgiving, to much trouble to have over the winter. I will miss her, but she is more than ready to go back. She misses her friends.
Once again it will be Fred, Buster and me. Fred has been sleeping a lot more lately. Doesn't hear as well and shows some stiffness is the mornings. He is 10 this year. His issues with peeing in the house have gotten better. As long as we follow the same routine when we leave he seems to be ok. Some wouldn't put up with a dog like Fred, his issues and quirks, but we love him. What else can you do with an old dog?
Buster, on the other hand, shows little signs of aging. As sleek as he always was. He will be 13 this year. Never been a lap cat, more of an attack cat, he has become more affectionate as he ages. Always one to come to you for attention, being very timid, not receptive to you going at him.
Another step forward, made it through the summer.
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