Little feet are running through the house tonight. Clayton and Katie are at a wedding, Jack was the ring barer. Unkie Bums (Mike Rummery) and Clayton have been friends since high school. Jack was so cute in his tux. We watched his favorite movie Despicable Me, had a juice box and some cheese and he went to bed. He has made my week.
I had an awful week. I really enjoy going to Kristina's science class. It's about the only class I'm in that I get to do more than stand around. Well because my student A has been tossed out of every class except science I have to do academic support with him. So that means I'm not in science any more.
I have had one of those weeks where self pity is as thick as molasses around here. I just was missing Gee so much. If I could have I'd have stayed in bed all week. Made myself go to work like always one foot in front of the other. I just don't want to do this any more, like I have any kind of choice.
Fred is my only saving grace so to speak....always present and watchful. Having to care for him and the cat gives me a reason not to go right to bed after work. He has suffered too this week, no walks just tied out on the deck. He's such a nice little dog, I don't know what I'd do without him.
I hope next week is better than last.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
Dearest Gee
I wonder if you miss me as much as I do you? I hope you don't. My heart would break if after all you went through, the pain and suffering, and still you have the pain of separation.
My hope for you is you're sitting on the porch with Boss by your side. Relaxing in the warm breeze with the smells of lilac in the air, drink in hand. Maybe the smell of ham hocks and beans or collard greens cooking along with cornbread in the oven would be more to your liking. I still hear your voice,"."something sure smells good." With the smooth sounds of Albert King in the back ground.
I still miss you as much today as I did the day you passed from this life. First I felt guilt, for feeling relieved you had gone, no more pain, no more suffering. Then came the anger, anger at the VA, why did they put you on a 5 year schedule, angry with myself for not insisting you see a civilian doctor sooner, angry with God for having this most horrible of diseases invade your body once again, angry with any/every one who dared to say it was a blessing, what did they know about it....Now there is sadness, overwhelming melancholy along with the guilt and anger. I dream of you, waking in tears to the thought that once more you have left me. My days are a conscious effort to put one foot in front of the other. Work, home, sleep round and round, over and over.
The passage of time hasn't relieved me of the pain, I just hide it better. I think sometimes I hold on to the sadness because if I let it go what then? What can possibly be waiting for me. My heart aches for you. I am afraid that soon I wont remember the sound of your booming laugh, that gentle voice, wispering to your babies, the feel of your hand in mine. I was afraid to loose you, now I fear loosing the only thing I have left, my memories of you.
Always and Forever Yours
I wonder if you miss me as much as I do you? I hope you don't. My heart would break if after all you went through, the pain and suffering, and still you have the pain of separation.
My hope for you is you're sitting on the porch with Boss by your side. Relaxing in the warm breeze with the smells of lilac in the air, drink in hand. Maybe the smell of ham hocks and beans or collard greens cooking along with cornbread in the oven would be more to your liking. I still hear your voice,"."something sure smells good." With the smooth sounds of Albert King in the back ground.
I still miss you as much today as I did the day you passed from this life. First I felt guilt, for feeling relieved you had gone, no more pain, no more suffering. Then came the anger, anger at the VA, why did they put you on a 5 year schedule, angry with myself for not insisting you see a civilian doctor sooner, angry with God for having this most horrible of diseases invade your body once again, angry with any/every one who dared to say it was a blessing, what did they know about it....Now there is sadness, overwhelming melancholy along with the guilt and anger. I dream of you, waking in tears to the thought that once more you have left me. My days are a conscious effort to put one foot in front of the other. Work, home, sleep round and round, over and over.
The passage of time hasn't relieved me of the pain, I just hide it better. I think sometimes I hold on to the sadness because if I let it go what then? What can possibly be waiting for me. My heart aches for you. I am afraid that soon I wont remember the sound of your booming laugh, that gentle voice, wispering to your babies, the feel of your hand in mine. I was afraid to loose you, now I fear loosing the only thing I have left, my memories of you.
Always and Forever Yours
Monday, October 3, 2011
Deerfield Fair
The Deerfield Fair is one of those many country fairs going on in New England this time of year. This is the 135th year. We love going. Except for Rachel's freshman year and the year she was born we have gone to this fair every year. They have horse pulls, cattle pulls, cows, goats, pigs , chickens, 4-H, craft entries, flowers, vegetables the list is endless.
It also has food vender's. Yes we eat our way through the fair. Always the same order, how else could you be sure to see everything. We try to get there early, Huge donuts for breakfast....walk through the cow barn and the draft horse barn....time for pizza or baked potato.....walk through the commercial buildings, checking out the new snow blowers (I'm buying one this year), through the flower building, time for buffalo, either burger or sausage, but don't eat the bun, save room tor more food....go through the craft building, beautiful quilts, knitted things, paintings and photos, oh the cheese guy....buy some great cheddar, xxx sharp, of coarse there are samples...lets head over towards the horse jumpers, time for fries, not that guy, to greasy, the guy near the ring.....get a large to share, watch some horses walk towards the sheep dog demo, the farmer talks of his old dogs and we know all their names...Pete the pig dog, Rosie the one who was hit by lightning,Nell, Rosie's mother.....head over to the 4-H buildings, all the projects by the local groups....time for apple crisp with ice cream.....
OK the sky is looking a bit dark, 60% chance of rain... have eaten all the have to foods...seen everything except the horse pull, but that's not until the afternoon so we call it a day and head home. We really called it, we hadn't made it to the highway before it started to pour, like the skies just opened up. Once again we had a great day, lots of good food and something to look forward to for next year!
It also has food vender's. Yes we eat our way through the fair. Always the same order, how else could you be sure to see everything. We try to get there early, Huge donuts for breakfast....walk through the cow barn and the draft horse barn....time for pizza or baked potato.....walk through the commercial buildings, checking out the new snow blowers (I'm buying one this year), through the flower building, time for buffalo, either burger or sausage, but don't eat the bun, save room tor more food....go through the craft building, beautiful quilts, knitted things, paintings and photos, oh the cheese guy....buy some great cheddar, xxx sharp, of coarse there are samples...lets head over towards the horse jumpers, time for fries, not that guy, to greasy, the guy near the ring.....get a large to share, watch some horses walk towards the sheep dog demo, the farmer talks of his old dogs and we know all their names...Pete the pig dog, Rosie the one who was hit by lightning,Nell, Rosie's mother.....head over to the 4-H buildings, all the projects by the local groups....time for apple crisp with ice cream.....
OK the sky is looking a bit dark, 60% chance of rain... have eaten all the have to foods...seen everything except the horse pull, but that's not until the afternoon so we call it a day and head home. We really called it, we hadn't made it to the highway before it started to pour, like the skies just opened up. Once again we had a great day, lots of good food and something to look forward to for next year!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Day Off
Taking the day off. I just needed a mental health day. This year has just one big cluster _____ (insert whatever word you feel fits). I am getting another new schedule, I will be pulled from the ELA class I have with F. Seems the teachers who are in there feel more comfortable about dealing with his issues. That's the good news, the bad.... they are planning on putting me in another class full of kids who run wild....not feeling it right now.
I have PLENTY to keep me busy today. I have laundry to do, the windows are awful and the curtains are full of cat hair from Buster sitting in the open window all the time. All these things that I always found time for when Gee was here that I just never seem to get to. I might even clean off the kitchen table. It has just become a catch all for papers, calculators, watches all that crap stuff that never seems to get put away. Looking around the kitchen right now I realize I have pockets of clutter....the dog cage, the high chair, the hutch...crap everywhere. Most of the time I don't see it, or don't want to see it.
I haven't been sleeping again, disturbing dreams. Not really scary dreams, just strange ones. I wake up about 2am and can't go back to sleep for hours then it's time to get up for work. Last weekend a friend woke me up it was 11am, I had gotten up to put the dog out early and went to back to bed, then took a nap for 3 hours, Freddie woke me up at 5, then was in bed by 9... what all this is about I don't know. I know I'm ready for it to stop!!
Rachel is coming home Friday, we'll go to Deerfield Fair on Saturday, Friday night she is going to the high school football game, to visit band kids, and Sunday she has Steve's brother Mikes birthday party. So like always I don't see much of her but can't wait for her to come home.
I have PLENTY to keep me busy today. I have laundry to do, the windows are awful and the curtains are full of cat hair from Buster sitting in the open window all the time. All these things that I always found time for when Gee was here that I just never seem to get to. I might even clean off the kitchen table. It has just become a catch all for papers, calculators, watches all that crap stuff that never seems to get put away. Looking around the kitchen right now I realize I have pockets of clutter....the dog cage, the high chair, the hutch...crap everywhere. Most of the time I don't see it, or don't want to see it.
I haven't been sleeping again, disturbing dreams. Not really scary dreams, just strange ones. I wake up about 2am and can't go back to sleep for hours then it's time to get up for work. Last weekend a friend woke me up it was 11am, I had gotten up to put the dog out early and went to back to bed, then took a nap for 3 hours, Freddie woke me up at 5, then was in bed by 9... what all this is about I don't know. I know I'm ready for it to stop!!
Rachel is coming home Friday, we'll go to Deerfield Fair on Saturday, Friday night she is going to the high school football game, to visit band kids, and Sunday she has Steve's brother Mikes birthday party. So like always I don't see much of her but can't wait for her to come home.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
OCTOBER
I have always just loved Halloween, costumes, movies, carving pumpkins, the excitement of the kids, just everything. I have almost more decorations for Halloween than for Christmas. Last year I didn't decorate much, just a few things for Jack. Gee was at the Highlands, just wasn't up to it.
Not really up for it this year either. Just seems like it's such a chore to do anything. Getting the regular stuff done takes to much energy. I'm lucky I get the laundry done. Even then sometimes, most times I have to rewash something because I left a batch of clothes in the washer. None of it means anything to me.
I thought it was supposed to get better with time.... nothing changes really. Missing him as much now as I did in December. Each time I post I want write something happy....and then this overwhelming sadness takes over. Maybe it's because when I write so many memories flood over me. I saw gizzards in the grocery store and I hear him say "fry em hard Rob, where's the hot sauce" Everywhere I go everything I do there is the memory of Gee. I only wish they would bring a smile instead of a tear.
Not really up for it this year either. Just seems like it's such a chore to do anything. Getting the regular stuff done takes to much energy. I'm lucky I get the laundry done. Even then sometimes, most times I have to rewash something because I left a batch of clothes in the washer. None of it means anything to me.
I thought it was supposed to get better with time.... nothing changes really. Missing him as much now as I did in December. Each time I post I want write something happy....and then this overwhelming sadness takes over. Maybe it's because when I write so many memories flood over me. I saw gizzards in the grocery store and I hear him say "fry em hard Rob, where's the hot sauce" Everywhere I go everything I do there is the memory of Gee. I only wish they would bring a smile instead of a tear.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Sanity Returns
A few days have past and I have regained my sanity! The situation at school hasn't gotten any better, just funnier. Three times today I either walked into a room with someone already covering or I was in a class and in walks someone else. Seems Teddy, a para from the 6th grade, had no idea where she was supposed to be, she was double booked, so to speak, all day. If she didn't cross with me she was crossing with Lynda.
I really hate the thought that people at work saw me in such a vulnerable crazy state.... good grief thankfully it was only Kim and Liz, not in a class or something. I can hear it now....MRS GEE NUTTED UP TODAY..... well it didn't happen so no worries.
Friday is Game Night.... these women are so much fun.... they have known each other for years, so sometimes I have to ask what are they talking about but we sure laugh, sometimes that is more healing than anything else.
I really hate the thought that people at work saw me in such a vulnerable crazy state.... good grief thankfully it was only Kim and Liz, not in a class or something. I can hear it now....MRS GEE NUTTED UP TODAY..... well it didn't happen so no worries.
Friday is Game Night.... these women are so much fun.... they have known each other for years, so sometimes I have to ask what are they talking about but we sure laugh, sometimes that is more healing than anything else.
Monday, September 19, 2011
melt down
melt down.....not one of my kids, me......going over my new, new schedule today I told the Dean I'm done .... I'm done, this is the one place that I'm not supposed to have to think about what I'm doing, I should know what I'm doing and I don't..... and then I started crying...... I never bring those feelings to school.....they are to stay at home waiting to be revisited....not to be reveled to others.... no one knew Gee's birthday was yesterday, I don't talk of Gee to anyone, oh the Gee would say or Gee did, sure but never ever how I feel about him or anything even close....I can't....I feel if I ever did I could not stop and I would be lost forever..... how can you tell someone that you have lost your soul....that you are empty inside, there is nothing left of you because you gave it all to one who is gone...and they took it with them....maybe he needed it for the strength to leave ...... no one really wants to know these things....they want to hear you lie and say all is well.....
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