I booked a trip to Washington DC over Rachel's spring break. Ann and Laureen will be coming with us. Ann has been after me for years to go. Rachel has been saying she wants to see Mr. Rogers sweater, she just loved his show. We will be flying in on Saturday and returning on Wednesday. Ann and I have to work on Thursday.
Clayton will take care of Buster, the cat. Freddie has his reservations at the vet for boarding. He had a great time the last time he was there. Extra walks, playing with the other dogs and got his nails cut. May have them groom him while on his vacation to the spa, so to speak.
Seems the school system is going to allow the paraprofessionals to participate in the training seminar for the All Star program. This program is one of many that teaches middle school age kids about many social issues. The program is going to be integrated into the daily curriculum beginning next year. We either go to the seminar or we will have classes as professional development over the school year. I would much rather have it done with. Getting paid extra for going over February vacation isn't bad either.
Marks close on Friday....a half a year has passed already. Doesn't seem like it. We will soon be in the middle of MCAS testing and then the 8th grade will be heading out the door for the high school. Can't say I'll be sad to see them go. These guys are the toughest group that have come through in a very long time. Very needy, nasty to each other, and nasty to the staff. They defiantly feel entitled to something, what it is can't put my finger on but they are a tough lot. I will miss A, and I will worry about him too. In many ways he seems to young and immature to go over to the high school.
Rachel goes back to school on Sunday. It will be very quiet around here without her and Steve hanging around. She will be coming home for weekends unless she heads over to UMASS to visit Steve. There isn't much to do at Westfield over the weekend if you aren't part of the party crowd and don't have a car. She will leave her car home until spring....just a pain every time it snows, moving it for the plows two or three times. She will need to re-apply for the social work program at the end of the semester. With her grades she will have no problem. she also has community service credits with her Lambda Sigma work and her involvement in QSA, Queer Straight Alliance, she's the Secretary. She'll worry about that until she gets notified that she was accepted. I can't help thinking how very proud Gee would be of her, he always was but she has surpassed all of our hopes for her.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Dreams
I didn't want to get up today. I was dreaming of Gee. If no where but in my dreams he was with me. I felt his hand in mine, his gentle kiss, the warmth of him beside me.........and then I woke, and he was gone.
Gee was such a gentle man. Many who knew him wouldn't believe me, but he was. Even after spending most of his life fighting to survive, he still had a gentleness of spirit that amazed me to the end. Always believing there was someone worse off than he.
I had printed old pictures for his sister this weekend, he has been in my thoughts more than usual of late. He is always there but lately he is so close to the surface. Looking at pictures of Clayton's wedding, he looked tired but not gaunt, sickly and so very thin as he would so very soon after. The pictures of him and Jack, of he and Rachel, his smile so warm and inviting.
Rachel and I had a recent eye doctor appointment, Joel asked about him, not knowing he passed away.Another gentle soul, Joel, tears as he tells me he was so sorry, he had no idea, Gee never let on that he was so sick the last time he had been in.
Gee touched everyone he met. Still, after a year I hear from people who knew him telling me how great he was.
Gee was such a gentle man. Many who knew him wouldn't believe me, but he was. Even after spending most of his life fighting to survive, he still had a gentleness of spirit that amazed me to the end. Always believing there was someone worse off than he.
I had printed old pictures for his sister this weekend, he has been in my thoughts more than usual of late. He is always there but lately he is so close to the surface. Looking at pictures of Clayton's wedding, he looked tired but not gaunt, sickly and so very thin as he would so very soon after. The pictures of him and Jack, of he and Rachel, his smile so warm and inviting.
Rachel and I had a recent eye doctor appointment, Joel asked about him, not knowing he passed away.Another gentle soul, Joel, tears as he tells me he was so sorry, he had no idea, Gee never let on that he was so sick the last time he had been in.
Gee touched everyone he met. Still, after a year I hear from people who knew him telling me how great he was.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Thursday, December 29, 2011
the trouble with pets
With Clayton and Katie down south Rachel and I have been caring for the animals. Tucker, the dog, Sophie and Cloe, the cats and Jacks fish. All was going well then we got a wind storm, gusts to 50 miles per hour, that blew open the basement door, where the cats were. When I got to the house in the morning I find a very big male cat in the basement with Sophie between him and Cloe hissing up a storm puffed up at least twice her size. The big male runs out the door and I get it shut, wedging a chair against it hoping to keep the door shut with the very high winds. Didn't work. Rachel found the door opened again when she got there in the afternoon to take the dog out and found no cats in the basement.
Great, why couldn't this happen when Clayton was home! So I go up to look for the cats. Sophie is an outdoor cat, she'll come home when ready. Cloe on the other hand they don't let out. Clayton got her at work from someone who found her and her litter. She is a very young cat, that they haven't bothered to get fixed yet... by the time I got to the house Sophie is in her chair, taking a bath. No Cloe in sight.. Ok start with the kitty kitty outside, nothing....get some food shake shake shake....nothing. Well the only thing we can do is wait and see if she comes later. About 11pm I'm walking around Clayton's doing the same kitty kitty nothing....crap..his neighbors looking out their windows at the crazy person looking for a cat in what is going to be the coldest night we have had all winter, wind chills the whole thing.....hope she'll be ok, she'll be waiting in the morning I tell myself and leave before I get arrested!!
This morning, no cat... I walk around the house ...Cloe here kitty... who runs out from under the porch, the big male...great maybe she's under the porch....kitty kitty....nothing ....damn....go in the house open the basement door only Sophie...tied Tucker out....and started looking around, here kitty kitty...nothing ok hopefully she'll come when she gets hungry. All the while I'm talking to myself....it's all Clayton's fault for not fixing that old door...she's gone, all my fault...on and on....go into the house to feed Tucker and Sophie and who do I see sitting, washing her face...Cloe!
Where she was I have no clue, must have been in the basement through all of this, just didn't feel like coming out.....I am just grateful I don't have to tell Jack that Grammy let his Cloe get out and she was gone.
Great, why couldn't this happen when Clayton was home! So I go up to look for the cats. Sophie is an outdoor cat, she'll come home when ready. Cloe on the other hand they don't let out. Clayton got her at work from someone who found her and her litter. She is a very young cat, that they haven't bothered to get fixed yet... by the time I got to the house Sophie is in her chair, taking a bath. No Cloe in sight.. Ok start with the kitty kitty outside, nothing....get some food shake shake shake....nothing. Well the only thing we can do is wait and see if she comes later. About 11pm I'm walking around Clayton's doing the same kitty kitty nothing....crap..his neighbors looking out their windows at the crazy person looking for a cat in what is going to be the coldest night we have had all winter, wind chills the whole thing.....hope she'll be ok, she'll be waiting in the morning I tell myself and leave before I get arrested!!
This morning, no cat... I walk around the house ...Cloe here kitty... who runs out from under the porch, the big male...great maybe she's under the porch....kitty kitty....nothing ....damn....go in the house open the basement door only Sophie...tied Tucker out....and started looking around, here kitty kitty...nothing ok hopefully she'll come when she gets hungry. All the while I'm talking to myself....it's all Clayton's fault for not fixing that old door...she's gone, all my fault...on and on....go into the house to feed Tucker and Sophie and who do I see sitting, washing her face...Cloe!
Where she was I have no clue, must have been in the basement through all of this, just didn't feel like coming out.....I am just grateful I don't have to tell Jack that Grammy let his Cloe get out and she was gone.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
365 DAYS
Today is the anniversary of your death. You have been gone for a full year now. I think of you everyday and wonder what my life would have been but for the blessing of you.
With all the bad choices fate, God, something found me worthy of finding you. You were far from a saint yourself but somehow we made it through all those hard times.
I can't believe how fast it all went by. It seems like yesterday you were walking into Paul's....."he's not big" I said to Gail, after seeing you for the first time, when she asked if a big black guy, Sgt G. had been in. As usual you laughed.
Of all the things I miss about you, your laugh I miss the most, full, loud and so genuine. You would laugh with you whole body, everything moved when you were particularly amused.
Rachel and I went to the cemetery to see you today. We were surprise to see someone had visited you before us, leaving you a nip of Seagram's 7, always your drink of choice. I wish you well on your journey, my love. You are always in my heart.
Always and Forever
With all the bad choices fate, God, something found me worthy of finding you. You were far from a saint yourself but somehow we made it through all those hard times.
I can't believe how fast it all went by. It seems like yesterday you were walking into Paul's....."he's not big" I said to Gail, after seeing you for the first time, when she asked if a big black guy, Sgt G. had been in. As usual you laughed.
Of all the things I miss about you, your laugh I miss the most, full, loud and so genuine. You would laugh with you whole body, everything moved when you were particularly amused.
Rachel and I went to the cemetery to see you today. We were surprise to see someone had visited you before us, leaving you a nip of Seagram's 7, always your drink of choice. I wish you well on your journey, my love. You are always in my heart.
Always and Forever
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Sturbridge by Candlelight
Went to Sturbridge Village with some friends from work. Sturbridge is a living museum here in New England, 1830's. It was beautiful. All the paths lit by candles in lanterns, Christmas music floating out of the church on the common, carolers, and a wagon ride. It truly was a winter wonderland, minus the snow.
The Village is an annual destination for us in the summer. Rachel has always loved this place. I have been going there at least once a summer for as long as I can remember. My father was big on history. A new museum every summer. We visited shortly before his death, his last look at a past he and my mother shared.
I had never been during the winter before. I will make a point to bringing Rachel next year. It was almost magical. The crisp clear night, almost a calming effect on everyone there. There were smiles and laughter all around. The children were wide eyed, looking everywhere, not wanting to miss a thing.
Just a Gee note, the first time we went together with my parents, Gee opens a closet door in one of the buildings and starts yelling "Hey Y'ALL, LOOK WHAT I FOUND" pointing at a vacuum cleaner and an electric outlet...told you they don't do everything the old fashioned way....... as they say couldn't take him anywhere!!!
The Village is an annual destination for us in the summer. Rachel has always loved this place. I have been going there at least once a summer for as long as I can remember. My father was big on history. A new museum every summer. We visited shortly before his death, his last look at a past he and my mother shared.
I had never been during the winter before. I will make a point to bringing Rachel next year. It was almost magical. The crisp clear night, almost a calming effect on everyone there. There were smiles and laughter all around. The children were wide eyed, looking everywhere, not wanting to miss a thing.
Just a Gee note, the first time we went together with my parents, Gee opens a closet door in one of the buildings and starts yelling "Hey Y'ALL, LOOK WHAT I FOUND" pointing at a vacuum cleaner and an electric outlet...told you they don't do everything the old fashioned way....... as they say couldn't take him anywhere!!!
Thursday, December 8, 2011
One Year
As I sit and think about this past year I am amazed that time has passed so quickly and yet at the same time seemed to have stood still.
I returned to work at the end of Christmas break, a few weeks after Gee's death. It was looked at as being strong and carrying on. What it was was fear. Fear of being alone all day with my tears. Once Rachel went back to school and it was just me, Fred and the cat I really was hit with the fact that Gee really was gone. The thought of having to go on without him just terrified me.
I feel so much guilt. The morning he passed I was so relieved for him, his pain was over and he was released from the body that had failed him. Always so strong never giving in to anything. He would never have wanted his children to see him so vulnerable during the last months of his life. Never mind helping with his care. Having Rachel help me move him, wash him, was not the memory he wanted her to carry with her. He wanted them to remember him as the larger than life man he always was.
I still wonder what he thought that last time he looked at me. While I stroked his hair, he opened his eyes, looking right at me and was gone. Taking my soul with him. I still feel empty inside. I can see those eyes looking at me, trying so say something. Maybe he was just saying goodbye.
It was weeks before I didn't wake up at night thinking I heard him calling for me. If I looked towards the couch I saw Gee lying in the hospital bed. I still have piles of stuff that I don't know what to do with. I have old work boots and raggy old coats I can't bring myself to throw away, still hanging where Gee left them. I haven't even looked into the back sheds, let alone cleaning the basement. Instead I just leave everything saying I'll get to that later...
I don't know what I thought would happen when he finally left me. I have gotten used to living alone. Well alone with the animals. What would I do without the animals. Fred is my constant companion. He follows me wherever I go. Even the cat has become more friendly, sitting on my lap for a few minutes at a time. What I haven't gotten used to him not being here.
I miss Gee so very much, everyday seems a chore to just get up. I put one foot in front of the other....the only way I can keep going. If not for the dog and cat I wouldn't get up in the morning. My friend Lynda worries about me, always coming up with ways to get me out of the house. She knows left to my own devices I would never venture out but to go to work.
I don't know what I had expected to happen over the past year. I have days when I talk of Gee with such joy and others where I can't even say his name out loud, if I did the tears wouldn't stop. I wonder if everyone feels like this, it can't be only me. Others have lost people they loved as much as I did Gee. I can't bring myself to ask them. It would be intruding on their grief or is it that it would expose my own.
I returned to work at the end of Christmas break, a few weeks after Gee's death. It was looked at as being strong and carrying on. What it was was fear. Fear of being alone all day with my tears. Once Rachel went back to school and it was just me, Fred and the cat I really was hit with the fact that Gee really was gone. The thought of having to go on without him just terrified me.
I feel so much guilt. The morning he passed I was so relieved for him, his pain was over and he was released from the body that had failed him. Always so strong never giving in to anything. He would never have wanted his children to see him so vulnerable during the last months of his life. Never mind helping with his care. Having Rachel help me move him, wash him, was not the memory he wanted her to carry with her. He wanted them to remember him as the larger than life man he always was.
I still wonder what he thought that last time he looked at me. While I stroked his hair, he opened his eyes, looking right at me and was gone. Taking my soul with him. I still feel empty inside. I can see those eyes looking at me, trying so say something. Maybe he was just saying goodbye.
It was weeks before I didn't wake up at night thinking I heard him calling for me. If I looked towards the couch I saw Gee lying in the hospital bed. I still have piles of stuff that I don't know what to do with. I have old work boots and raggy old coats I can't bring myself to throw away, still hanging where Gee left them. I haven't even looked into the back sheds, let alone cleaning the basement. Instead I just leave everything saying I'll get to that later...
I don't know what I thought would happen when he finally left me. I have gotten used to living alone. Well alone with the animals. What would I do without the animals. Fred is my constant companion. He follows me wherever I go. Even the cat has become more friendly, sitting on my lap for a few minutes at a time. What I haven't gotten used to him not being here.
I miss Gee so very much, everyday seems a chore to just get up. I put one foot in front of the other....the only way I can keep going. If not for the dog and cat I wouldn't get up in the morning. My friend Lynda worries about me, always coming up with ways to get me out of the house. She knows left to my own devices I would never venture out but to go to work.
I don't know what I had expected to happen over the past year. I have days when I talk of Gee with such joy and others where I can't even say his name out loud, if I did the tears wouldn't stop. I wonder if everyone feels like this, it can't be only me. Others have lost people they loved as much as I did Gee. I can't bring myself to ask them. It would be intruding on their grief or is it that it would expose my own.
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