I Remember You

Nine Years

9 years....feels like 90

December 18, 2010  6am

The world changed forever

Gee's Day

Tomorrow is Gee's day, at 6 am on December 18, 2010 Gee died. Eight years.

 I still find myself fighting depression. Doctor asks if I want/need medication, ah no. My last appointment I was asked what do I do for hobbies....I read I told him...he was concerned that I spend a lot of time alone, I'm not alone I have the dog....dogs don't talk he said....I'm sure he has never had a dog.

I don't write much...it's always the same....missing Gee, depression, work sucks...no one wants to read that, I don't want to write that...

I miss Gee as much as ever. I think of him all the time.

SO I MADE IT....I'M 60

Yep hard to believe I made it to 60. Never thought it would happen. I remember seeing obituaries when I was younger, much younger, all these people dying at 70, 72 wow good long life right....until you are closer to the end of your life than the beginning. Nothing really changed at 60 or at 50, 40 I still got up went to work did the school thing came home cooked dinner same old same old!!

Made it through another Christmas, too. What started out as being dinner for 8 turned into dinner for 14. First Steve's mom and Mike changed their minds and came ok ten is no  problem. Then Steve's old room mate Justin had a few days to visit, whats one more now we are 11...oh Chris may not be working..ok 12.... then Christmas morning Rachel tells me Bob and Trevor...the twins as they will forever be known, are alone...I had forgotten their mom moved to Florida this summer...call them and invite them, we are now 14, oh but Chris did work, double time, so we were 13. Things were a bit tight, but there was plenty of food, good conversation, and company....all in all a good day...

only thing missing was Gee...


So as you can gather I wrote this a few months ago, I don't know why I didn't post it....probably started feeling sorry for myself. So why revisit and maybe post an "updated" version....Found out yesterday all the para positions at the Middle School are being cut next year unless the city passes a 21/2 override, maybe, we are of coarse the last to be reinstated on the list.  So 5 floor paras, all women over 60, are cut, Five women who have worked at GMS for between 10-27 years are now looking for a "home" as Gee would say. We 5 are sitting at the top of the pay ladder for paras, which isn't very high more of a step stool. The lowest paid of all city employees. So now we fight for the right to bump another employee to try to keep a job in a school system where we are not valued.

So I will begin to weigh my options....how far do you think someone who has spent the last 10 years reteaching 7th grade math and science will get??? I'm thinking not very far.....

ANOTHER BIRTHDAY ON THE HORIZON

Monday is Gee's birthday. One would think after almost 7 years things would have gotten easier....in some ways it has...I no longer take his birthday off from work....I keep myself very busy so not to "think to much"....I don't go to the cemetery every week.... but I still miss him more than I could have ever imagined.

HAWKS, NUMBERS AND OTHER SIGNS

 Native people believe that red tailed hawks are messengers from the spirit world. That they come from loved ones....I always think of Gee when I see them.

Yesterday while taking Finn for a walk a big bird flew past us and landed on a tree branch...took my breath away... a red tailed hawk. He sat on the branch surveying the area.  He sat for a few seconds, took to flight, circled and flew off. I always feel better when I see these signs.....

 I never thought of these things before Gee died. For a long time after I would wake at night and see numbers...3:33, 5:55....until I said something to Lynda....she is "sensitive", has feelings, dreams of things....she told me that some believe they are signs from angels....feathers in your path....dragonflies and butterflies....Gee's cactus budding at strange times....

I really don't know what I believe, however I always feel a sense calm after I see one of these signs. As if Gee is still here with me. I miss him so very much.

WALKIES

Finn and I walk often with my friend Lynda and her dog Buddy. We have a few favorite places. Our newest place is just off the highway, 3.5 miles through the woods, one way. We can only walk this path on days off now that it is getting dark so early.

Today we decided to try. It was so warm, 50's, had rained for a couple of days we hoped the snow was manageable. Most of the way was clear, some ice, a bit of snow. Things had gone well. got out to the end, dogs got their treats and we were heading back to the car. All was going well until I found myself on the ground. Finn, being the good dog he is, turned around and came to me instead of running. I really don't know what happened, I felt my right foot slip, which must have hit my left foot, which put me on my ass. Lynda said it was the most graceful fall she had ever seen.....yeah that's me, graceful!

As they say, nothing was hurt but my pride...well I think I pulled a muscle in my arm, but otherwise things are fine.