Says it all...

Sad Realization

 Took Finn to the vet yesterday for his yearly visit...he needed his shots and a once over....the bill $100 more than last year...what did they do you may ask...can't be real sure because I couldn't go in... I have to say we have used this vet for the past 20+ years... they sent me a survey that I tried to fill out truthfully....

"My animals have always received wonderful care, which is why I am heartbroken to come to the realization that Finn will be my last dog the cost of care has skyrocketed to a point that my budget can not keep up...you've told me he needs dental cleaning ,,,your estimate is almost two weeks pay for me...how can I ever justify such an expense.... I have always stated if you can't take care of your animals you shouldn't have them....I have always loved and cared for all my animals...it will be a sad and lonely day when they are no longer part of my life."

Life after 10

I find that as I get older I seek the quiet of my own company. I miss seeing my kids and my grandchildren but the day to day meetings of others I have little use for. I have always been introverted but things have become even more internalized. I enjoy walking the dog in the early morning hearing the loons on the lake, seeing the pair of cardinals fly past. However, I don't have the great desire to engage in the niceties of society...Finn being my constant companion is more than I need.

I have been thinking of Gee very much lately. We are coming up on his tenth anniversary. I still can't get over that he's gone...I have so much I need to tell him....I need his strength, his undying optimism. 

Life sure has a way of giving you everything you never thought you needed or even wanted but once you get it you sure can't imagine ever living without it.... and then you have to. This sure isn't where I ever thought I'd be after all these years... all those dreams of youth. We were going to go to all the places Gee went to on his journey...Germany, Korea, Alaska... instead we spent those last years traveling to doctors, tests and scans...I would have continued forever just to have him with me... 

Always and forever

I Remember You

Nine Years

9 years....feels like 90

December 18, 2010  6am

The world changed forever

Gee's Day

Tomorrow is Gee's day, at 6 am on December 18, 2010 Gee died. Eight years.

 I still find myself fighting depression. Doctor asks if I want/need medication, ah no. My last appointment I was asked what do I do for hobbies....I read I told him...he was concerned that I spend a lot of time alone, I'm not alone I have the dog....dogs don't talk he said....I'm sure he has never had a dog.

I don't write much...it's always the same....missing Gee, depression, work sucks...no one wants to read that, I don't want to write that...

I miss Gee as much as ever. I think of him all the time.

SO I MADE IT....I'M 60

Yep hard to believe I made it to 60. Never thought it would happen. I remember seeing obituaries when I was younger, much younger, all these people dying at 70, 72 wow good long life right....until you are closer to the end of your life than the beginning. Nothing really changed at 60 or at 50, 40 I still got up went to work did the school thing came home cooked dinner same old same old!!

Made it through another Christmas, too. What started out as being dinner for 8 turned into dinner for 14. First Steve's mom and Mike changed their minds and came ok ten is no  problem. Then Steve's old room mate Justin had a few days to visit, whats one more now we are 11...oh Chris may not be working..ok 12.... then Christmas morning Rachel tells me Bob and Trevor...the twins as they will forever be known, are alone...I had forgotten their mom moved to Florida this summer...call them and invite them, we are now 14, oh but Chris did work, double time, so we were 13. Things were a bit tight, but there was plenty of food, good conversation, and company....all in all a good day...

only thing missing was Gee...


So as you can gather I wrote this a few months ago, I don't know why I didn't post it....probably started feeling sorry for myself. So why revisit and maybe post an "updated" version....Found out yesterday all the para positions at the Middle School are being cut next year unless the city passes a 21/2 override, maybe, we are of coarse the last to be reinstated on the list.  So 5 floor paras, all women over 60, are cut, Five women who have worked at GMS for between 10-27 years are now looking for a "home" as Gee would say. We 5 are sitting at the top of the pay ladder for paras, which isn't very high more of a step stool. The lowest paid of all city employees. So now we fight for the right to bump another employee to try to keep a job in a school system where we are not valued.

So I will begin to weigh my options....how far do you think someone who has spent the last 10 years reteaching 7th grade math and science will get??? I'm thinking not very far.....