Tuesday, June 28, 2011


I had Jack over night on Saturday. How much energy can one little guy have! It didn't help Clayton said he took a 4 hour nap.....4 hours! Good thing Rachel was home to share the wealth so to speak. We colored, we cooked, we played outside, we played with the trains, big Thomas fan, and back to coloring again. We watched some TV, NCIS, he started to fall asleep so upstairs we went. No, no bed....ok lets watch TV in Grammies bed, an hour later he drifts off...it is now 11pm. I went down stairs to let Fred out, got the cat in the basement, and went to bed.......5:45am he is talking to his Bruins bear. We come down stairs, change his diaper, get a drink, and think about breakfast.

Yougert, yea, put some in a bowl....yuckie he says...gave him some melon, which he ate like no tomorrow yesterday, yuckie......want some eggs, no yuckie.....ok so I look around in the freezer we have frozen waffles...how about waffles....WAFFLES WAFFLES, as he dances around.....I guess he likes waffles...he woke Rachel up yelling WAFFLES....he ate one and a half! Then we watched How to Train Your Dragon. Cute movie. Jack pointed at almost every picture, Da, Mama, baby...then he comes to the one with him and Gee at Rachel's graduation, he points to his sucker in the picture and says binki, I said thats Grandpa and Jack...and he said Grandpa......

So now  it's Tuesday, have finally gotten over the whirlwind named Jack, counting the days until he comes back, to color and cook and empty out the tupperware cabinet.

Friday, June 24, 2011

If it's not one thing....

The washing machine is dead, shaft wont move. I went to change the wash and I have a tub full of wet, soaked towels.....oh shit.....pull them out, try the machine again, was it overloaded, nope not moving, damn.....now I am pissed because I may have to buy a new washer....I go up stairs and pull the light cord, yea old light fixtures, in the kitchen to hard and holy shit I pulled the cord out to far and now that wont work.... un friggin believable!!! I will not ask what else could be next, because I'll be cursed for sure!

David to the rescue, came yesterday and fixed the light, offered to look at the washer but I have already called the repairman. He'll be here at 2 today to fix it hopefully.

I probably shouldn't be a homeowner, can't do anything, and surely have no money to have them done...like the light, it was a ten minute job for David....even Gee, could do that kind of electrical stuff...me I haven't a clue how to start. The lawn mower and the snow blower...if they start I'm good, if not I have absolutely no idea what to look for....like looking under a car hood, yep we have an engine under here, what it does who knows.

You would think after all those years for holding crap for my father and for Gee I would have learned something. I know what a Phillips screwdriver is, other than that I got nothing. It isn't that I wasn't willing to help, but it was always easier to just hand over the tools, and try not to get in the light!

Had my yearly doctors appointment.....guess what, I'm FAT....I know! what a surprise, I am so glad I just paid a guy to tell me that he'd like me to loose 30 pounds! I wouldn't right. Other wise, he's watching my sugar and cholesterol, my blood pressure is good. Had my colonoscopy and my mammogram will be next week. Oh joy I get to be poked and prodded for a few more days!

Rachel just got her financial aid package. She's received a state grant and a pell grant, and some other grant that I had never heard of. Now she needs to hear from Stone Fund, the renewable scholarship she received. All and all I am very much relieved about how we are going to handle paying for her year at school. Oh yeah, and her boss last year told her she has a job again with him, thank you Cid!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011


There is nothing like watching a bunch of teachers play beer pong! Yeah I went to the end of the year party. It was a nice end to a very tough year. I wouldn't have gone if not for Rachel and Lynda's prodding. Those two wouldn't take no for an answer. The appetizers were great, everyone out doing themselves. Art made some stuffed mushrooms that were absolutly fabulaous! Everyone will be making them, so easy and impressive! Just bacon, onions, stems, bit of cream cheese for a binder top with pizza cheese and bake until browned, just wonderful.

I had a chance to talk to teachers I couldn't all year. One, Kristina, 7th grade science, keeps asking when will I be back in her room. Makes you feel good knowing that you really do make a difference to the people you work with. You are missed when you are not in their classrooms. I really enjoyed her class, she is so energetic and full with enthusiasm for the subject matter it is infectious and she brings her students along for the ride. She also has ADHD, and told me often, "this is me on meds."

I have had some time to talk to the "new" teacher for the reinstated Project Support program, in other words, the behavior room. She is an inclusion teacher from the 6th grade floor. I have heard rumors of why she is moving, if true it will be a long  year for me. They are just rumors and  I don't want to start the summer off under a black cloud. However, she has only worked with Sp-ed kids, learning disabilities, autistic, cognagant issues...not behavioral problems. I had to wonder where was this wonder of wonders the principal kept telling me about? She kept talking about prizes, treasure boxes, and rewards. Middle school kids don't care about lollypops and airheads... Summer vacation has offically started, I will worry about this in August!

Rachel is so enjoying working at the nursing home. Yesterday she took three residents, all women outside for a while. One knows neighbors of ours, one is at the Manor with her husband, they never had children and one never leaves her room, but chose to go when Rachel asked her to come along. Tonight is bingo night, she will go to help out. I hope they are happy with how things are going, she really is.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

impossible only takes a little longer

The person whom you choose to marry
is perhaps the single most vivid representation of your personality.
Your spouse becomes the most gleaming possible mirror
through which your emotional individualism is reflected back to the world.
....that choice tells us,to a large extent,who you are.

~ Elizabeth Gilbert~

I just found this on a blog I stumbled upon. I wonder if it is true. Gee and I were so different from each other. He was so open, I am so guarded. He was so joyful, I am so sullen. He so optimistic, I am so doubtful. Maybe it isn't a reflection, not a representation of who we are but what we want to be. Why would Gee want to be sullen, guarded and doubtful?

I know I was a different person when I was with him, everyone was. How could you stand in his shadow and not be changed. He was loud, funny, insightful and had a laugh that was infectious! He was a man who loved his family, was committed to their care and well being. He would always say, "there's no such word as can't, impossible only takes a little longer." Instilling in his children, they can do anything.

How very lucky I was to find this extraordinary man to share a brief measure of time with.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011


I have never been a great thinker, that's for sure, but I wonder about things. I contemplate so many things. Like why would anyone want to read what I write. I seem always to be whining or complaining about something. Bitching seems to be my calling of late. Nothing makes me happy enough to write it down, not that that would be anymore interesting. I really am boring, I know it, accept it, live with it.

I look at the old dog that follows me where ever I go and wonder why no one wanted this kind soul who loves me as only an old dog can. So accepting of my faults and short comings. Was it his trust issues, he still thinks when we leave we wont be back. His anxiety leads him to pee in the house. Ok to some that would be a deal breaker, but the loyalty he shows me laying his head on my lap when my heart aches for Gee, cleaning up after an old dog is just a small inconvenience.

I wonder what the world will be like when Jack is grown. Will he know of his Grandfather who loved him so very much. He couldn't wait to see him, to hold him, to talk to him. Will he have the same laid back personality as his father and grandfather? Will he have the same love of life and living as they do?

I wonder if Rachel will become jaded when she goes out in the world. She is such a loving person. Wanting to help those who need help not looking for anything in return. She also is very trusting of humankind. Not excepting there are people in the world that are just evil. My hope for her is that she always sees the world as she does now, a place of hope and kindness.

I wonder what life holds for the kids I work with. Will I have made a difference to their lives. Did I teach them what they need to make their lives better. If nothing else did I instill in them that they really can learn, that they are valuable, they are important and some one does care what happens to them. I can only hope that I have.

I wonder what my life would have been like had I not gone into Paul's bar that day.Would I have met Gee somewhere else? I have often said Gee saved me from my own self-destructive behavior. He said he didn't, that I would have figured it out on my own, I have my doubts.
I wonder.....

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Summer Vacation

Well it's here, summer vacation. Rachel wants me to go to the end of the year party. Will do me good she says. Maybe so but I doubt I'll go. I'm not the social hang out together kind of person. I never do large social situations very well. That was always Gee's thing. Always knew what to say, always good for a laugh. I never know what to say. I never think anyone really cares to listen. I'm just always in the back ground, watching, never really feeling part of the whole thing. For years I was just along for the ride. Gee always made it an interesting one that's for sure, but never was I in the lead.

I guess this all comes about because I am so guarded, only letting the very few get close. Gee being the only one never to disappoint, no matter what. Always did what he said he would, when he said he would, no excuses. There was no bull coming from Gee, always upfront and clear.

 Maybe that is why I am having such a hard time of late. Everyone seems to be telling me what they think I want to hear. Work is one long line of bullshit, no matter who you talk to. I would like for once some one from the office to say to me...in house...no I get "he's going to hang out with you today"...what kind of crap is that! I have become the school babysitter, wasting my time sitting in a room watching brats do nothing, while the kids I used to work with ask me when I will be back.  That they miss me and need my help. What can I say...that the office didn't think they were important enough, because there weren't enough IEP kids to keep me in the room. Didn't matter that they were struggling it is all about numbers.

This is the weekend for the 18th Relay for Life. I raised money but couldn't bring myself to go up and walk. I couldn't see myself walking with all those people, happy, smiling and such. When all I can think of is what this awful disease took from me. So if you have donated THANK YOU if you haven't  yet please send the American Cancer Society a donation, so no one else goes through all that Gee endured for so many years. Always in true Gee style, no complaints, no regrets, no excuses.

Saturday, June 4, 2011


I know many people believe in signs from loved ones who have died. I have to say I haven't been one that falls into that category. If I was I would have to say that Gee is here around me again. There has been many times over the past few months that when I am at my lowest I see something that amazes me.

Coming in from work on Valentines day to find Gee's Christmas cactus in full bloom.Was that Gee? How about driving down the Mass Pike and seeing a Bald Eagle as plain as can be flying straight at me up the road, Gee again?

Years ago, Gee was still working for Cavvicio Greenhouses, he brought home three Rhododendrons. Planted them up back. They never thrived. Thought they all died. Then today I was mowing the back lawn and isn't there a flower on one of the plants I thought long dead. I have been having a hard time of late. Nothing new really, Memorial Day, summer vacation coming up, Gee being gone six months, just feeling sad all around.  So is Gee telling me he is still here watching over us, or is it just coincedence. I can't really say, but I choose to think Gee is here with me, bringing what comfort he can when I need him the very most.