Sunday, March 27, 2011

Game Night

I went to the monthly game night with some people from work. A few teachers, paras and secretaries gather at someones home and have dinner and play a game after. It was so much fun, haven't laughed like that in I don't know how long. So glad Rachel pushed me into going. She is home for the weekend and I didn't want to leave her home with nothing to do. All her friends are away at school.

I have been doing ok really. It seems that when things are good I don't have much to write about. I still miss Gee so very much, but things have been getting better. I still have my moments, that's for sure, however they are not the all consuming meloncholy that can last for days.

 I am activly looking for a part time job. I'd like to go back to school, but I really have no idea what I want to do. Oh I could be the career student, picking and choosing classes that interest me....though I can't see what a degree in archiology will do for  me!

I just got back from Westfield, brought Rachel back to school. I saw the most amazing thing, a full grown bald eagle. I was approching the exit off 90 in Ludlow and I saw this huge bird. I wondered what is that?When it came towards me I see its white goodness it took my breath away!!! I have never seen one in the wild before, I just can't express how amazing this was to see flying.

Thursday, March 24, 2011


Yesterday I had my 3rd colonoscopy. For those who don't know what that is, a doctor looks at your colon with a camera to see if there are any polyps growing, polyps are what can turn into cancerous tumors. The prep intails drinking some very yucky liquid laxative along with some pills. Most people have their first scope at 50.With my family history, I had my first joy full experience at 40. This time all was well, good for another 5 years. Why am I announcing that yesterday my butt was hanging out while a doctor sent a camera up it? I do this because that somewhat uncomfortable/embarrasing test can save you and your family the pain and anguish of living with colon cancer. So ask the question is there a family history. If yes talk to your doctor, and if you or someone you know and love is over 50 make sure they have the test....for all your sakes.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011


Sadness washes over me in waves, engulfing me in a blanket of melancholy.  Three months, it's only been three months he's been gone. It seems like forever since I heard his voice, that laugh. felt his hand in mine.
 Someone in the school is using Gee's cologne....or I am imagining it. I was in the entryway yesterday, going to make copies of something, and there it was, my heart jumped. 

I have been thinking of my grandmother of late. Julia was such a kind loving lady. I never heard her say a bad word about anyone. She always excepted us for who we were, never any criticism from her. Maybe that came from growing up being passed from relative to relative. I don't know. I only know I could always tell her my secrets and they would be safe with her.

One Thanksgiving soon after I met Gee, my mother told Julia that my "friend" was coming to dinner. They didn,'t want her to be surprised that he was black, she never missed a beat and said she already knew. It wasn't a big deal for her, she just wanted to be sure I was happy. She may have had her concerns, might have voiced them to others, but never me. To me all she said he seemed a nice man.

Rachel is named after her, Julia is her middle name. Rach is very much like her, kind, caring, loving. Her friends all know her as the one who keeps secrets at least the ones safe for her to keep. I think these qualities are what will make her a great hospice social worker.

So many memories.......

Friday, March 18, 2011

Back to the Real World

Well we're back. Did we have a wonderful time! I hope Laureen and Ann had as great a time as Rachel and I had. Why do we love going to Disney World, I have no idea. All I know is we already plan to return. I guess it has a comfort factor that draws us there.

We met some really interesting people. A gospel group from Wisconsin. All wonderful singers, one of whom won the American Idol Challenge at Hollywood Studios. They sang many songs on the bus ride from one of the parks. The little girl from Pennsylvania who was on her very first trip and could hardly contain herself. She was going to meet Mickey Mouse. The elderly couple who came with their great grand children, how great is that! There were people from all over the world.

Freddie was at the vet for the week. The report I got made me feel so much better. Having come from a shelter, I felt guilty putting him in the kennel, he had a great time! Had a walk everyday, had his nails trimmed, and had other dogs to play with. I was happy to see how excited he was to see he didn't have to much of a great a time. The cat is overly friendly too. He has been a lap cat for the past few days. Clayton said by Thursday he was hissing at him.

After all Rachel has been through these past few years she needed this kind of time... she has been so strong and comforting, I wish I could have spared her the pain, or by doing that, would it have taken precious time away from her and Gee. I don't know. She worries about everything, me, Fred, grades...everything. So for a few days in Florida all she thought of was having fun. For that, thanks Disney!

Friday, March 11, 2011


Very early Saturday we are heading to Florida. Rachel is as excited this time, her 6th, as she was for her first.

We will be back late Thursday many kids want to spend their spring break with their mother and her friends??

I will say hello to Mickey and the gang for all!

Monday, March 7, 2011

House of Mouse

In one week we are heading to the land of the mouse...Disney. Rachel's high school graduation trip. This will be our 6th trip and we never tire of going. We had planned to go in June but that wasn't possible. Gee couldn't be left alone. He was failing, even if he wouldn't admit to it. I think back and I can see each and every step backwards, the cane, the walker, sleeping downstairs, the loss of appetite.  I know I had to see the signs but I guess I was to busy worrying about his day to day care to see the overall picture.

Maybe that is what saves us, or me anyway.  Had I known then how quickly he would leave me would I have been able to maintain my everyday routine? I knew he was failing but I don't think until he transferred to hospice I really realized just how soon it could be over. Every time we saw the doctor Gee would say he was good, I knew he wasn't but I wanted to believe him so much that I never said anything different, then Dr. Piperdi knew he wasn't good, too..

I find it funny I can talk about him all day long. Tell stories, quote him, talk of his sense of humor, and all the rest. Let me think the same thoughts here at home and this all engulfing sadness overtakes me. A friend tells me it is because I keep my grieving to myself, I don't share how I feel to others. I can't talk about it. If I start there will be no stopping, it will consume me pulling me further and further into this blackness. How do you tell someone that everyday it is all you can do to keep moving forward.

Even my writing turns dark. What had started as a happy thought has turned into a melancholy rant.

Saturday, March 5, 2011


I have a new student that I am working with. He's a bit of a pain in the ass during regular ed classes, can't read higher than a 2nd grade level, so he can't keep up.  Every day we spend a half hour going over what the science teacher had taught that day. I am all for inclusion, however sometimes some thought should be given to what classes these kids are put in. There is only so much modification that can be done.

Kids would rather be seen as a problem or a clown than to look stupid in front of the other kids. Many of them eventually end up with me. As did this one. I have to agree he is rude, disruptive not to mention aggravating. If I'm the only one who makes the connection between his behavior and his reading levels I have to be brilliant! 

In the school's defence he does have extra help with the Wilson Reading program. He is making progress, he does have learning disabilities, he needs to learn to over come or compensate for. Wouldn't you think we would better serve him to teach him how to manage his money, write a check, pay his bills some real life skills that he is going to need rather than if he can interpret a Punnett square?

The guidance councilors had the 8th grade take a survey on line. How the kid answers the questions will determine a list of occupations they may have interests in. Here's this kid talking about being an FBI agent, or maybe a Forensic Archaeologist. Okay, I don't want to discourage any ones dreams.However, realistically, he'll quit school at 16 and fall into the same circle of poverty he comes from. What he needs is the tools to help him be independant, to someday be employable and to make some contrabution to society. What we need to do is find a way to get him  and the others like him to that point.

My school is only a hair away from being declared under preforming and be taken over by the state. This years MCAS tests will be the determining factor, did we make the yearly improvement number. My guess is we wont, haven't in the past 4 years. We have always improved just not to the states satisfaction. We are a depressed area, one third of all 6th graders have an IEP. Almost half of the student body is on free or reduced lunch. We are a community just trying to keep its heads above water.We are a population of working poor, like many other places in this state. What are we to do, I have no idea. What I do know is we have bigger problems in this city than if we hit a target number on a test issued by the state.

I am rambling.....I will get off my soapbox .... I now have to read about how DNA is reproduced so I can reteach this to a kid who up until B block had no idea what DNA was.....inclusion.