Thursday, December 29, 2011

the trouble with pets

With Clayton and Katie down south Rachel and I have been caring for the animals. Tucker, the dog, Sophie and Cloe, the cats and Jacks fish. All was going well then we got a wind storm, gusts to 50 miles per hour, that blew open the basement door, where the cats were. When I got to the house in the morning I find a very big male cat in the basement with Sophie between him and Cloe hissing up a storm puffed up at least twice her size. The big male runs out the door and I get it shut, wedging a chair against it hoping to keep the door shut with the very high winds. Didn't work. Rachel found the door opened again when she got there in the afternoon to take the dog out and found no cats in the basement.

Great, why couldn't this happen when Clayton was home! So I go up to look for the cats. Sophie is an outdoor cat, she'll come home when ready. Cloe on the other hand they don't let out. Clayton got her at work from someone who found her and her litter. She is a very young cat, that they haven't bothered to get fixed yet... by the time I got to the house Sophie is in her chair, taking a bath. No Cloe in sight.. Ok start with the kitty kitty outside, nothing....get some food shake shake shake....nothing. Well the only thing we can do is wait and see if she comes later. About 11pm I'm walking around Clayton's doing the same kitty kitty nothing....crap..his neighbors looking out their windows at the crazy person looking for a cat in what is going to be the coldest night we have had all winter, wind chills the whole thing.....hope she'll be ok, she'll be waiting in the morning I tell myself and leave before I get arrested!!

This morning, no cat... I walk around the house ...Cloe here kitty... who runs out from under the porch, the big male...great maybe she's under the porch....kitty kitty....nothing ....damn....go in the house open the basement door only Sophie...tied Tucker out....and started looking around, here kitty kitty...nothing ok hopefully she'll come when she gets hungry. All the while I'm talking to's all Clayton's fault for not fixing that old door...she's gone, all my fault...on and on....go into the house to feed Tucker and Sophie and who do I see sitting, washing her face...Cloe!

Where she was I have no clue, must have been in the basement through all of this, just didn't feel like coming out.....I am just grateful I don't have to tell Jack that Grammy let his Cloe get out and she was gone.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

365 DAYS

Today is the anniversary of your death. You have been gone for a full year now. I think of you everyday and wonder what my life would have been but for the blessing of you.

With all the bad choices fate, God, something found me worthy of finding you. You were far from a saint yourself but somehow we made it through all those hard times.

I can't believe how fast it all went by. It seems like yesterday you were walking into Paul's....."he's not big" I said to Gail, after seeing you for the first time, when she asked if a big black guy, Sgt G. had been in. As usual you laughed.

Of all the things I miss about you, your laugh I miss the most, full, loud and so genuine. You would laugh with you whole body, everything moved when you were particularly amused.

Rachel and I went to the cemetery to see you today. We were surprise to see someone had visited you before us, leaving you a nip of Seagram's 7, always your drink of choice.  I wish you well on your journey, my love. You are always in my heart.

Always and Forever

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Sturbridge by Candlelight

Went to Sturbridge Village with some friends from work. Sturbridge is a living museum here in New England, 1830's. It was beautiful. All the paths lit by candles in lanterns, Christmas music floating out of the church on the common, carolers, and a wagon ride. It truly was a winter wonderland, minus the snow.

The Village is an annual destination for us in the summer. Rachel has always loved this place. I have been going there at least once a summer for as long as I can remember. My father was  big on history. A new museum every summer. We visited shortly before his death, his last look at a past he and my mother shared.

I had never been during the winter before. I will make a point to bringing Rachel next year. It was almost magical. The crisp clear night, almost a calming effect on everyone there. There were smiles and laughter all around. The children were wide eyed, looking everywhere, not wanting to miss a thing.

Just a Gee note, the first time we went together with my parents, Gee opens a closet door in one of the buildings and starts yelling "Hey Y'ALL, LOOK WHAT I FOUND" pointing at a vacuum cleaner and an electric outlet...told you they don't do everything the old fashioned way....... as they say couldn't take him anywhere!!!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

One Year

As I sit and think about this past year I am amazed that time has passed so quickly and yet at the same time seemed to have stood still.

I returned to work at the end of Christmas break, a few weeks after Gee's death. It was looked at as being strong and carrying on. What it was was fear. Fear of being alone all day with my tears. Once Rachel went back to school and it was just me, Fred and the cat I really was hit with the fact that Gee really was gone. The thought of having to go on without him just terrified me.

I feel so much guilt. The morning he passed I was so relieved for him, his pain was over and he was released from the body that had failed him. Always so strong never giving in to anything. He would never have wanted his children to see him so vulnerable during the last months of his life. Never mind helping with his care. Having Rachel help me move him, wash him, was not the memory he wanted her to carry with her.   He wanted them to remember him as the larger than life man he always was.

I still wonder what he thought that last time he looked at me. While I stroked his hair, he opened his eyes, looking right at me and was gone. Taking my soul with him. I still feel empty inside. I can see those eyes looking at me, trying so say something. Maybe he was just saying goodbye.

It was weeks before I didn't wake up at night thinking I heard him calling for me. If I looked towards the couch I saw Gee lying in the hospital bed. I still have piles of stuff that I don't know what to do with. I have old work boots and raggy old coats I can't bring myself to throw away, still hanging where Gee left them. I haven't even looked into the back sheds, let alone cleaning the basement. Instead I just leave everything saying I'll get to that later...

I don't know what I thought would happen when he finally left me. I have gotten used to living alone. Well alone with the animals. What would I do without the animals. Fred is my constant companion. He follows me wherever I go. Even the cat has become more friendly, sitting on my lap for a few minutes at a time. What I haven't gotten used to him not being here.

 I miss Gee so very much, everyday seems a chore to just get up. I put one foot in front of the other....the only way I can keep going.  If not for the dog and cat  I wouldn't get up in the morning. My friend Lynda worries about me, always coming up with ways to get me out of the house. She knows left to my own devices I would never venture out but to go to work.

I don't know what I had expected to happen over the past year. I have days when I talk of Gee with such joy and others where I can't even say his name out loud, if I did the tears wouldn't stop. I wonder if everyone feels like this, it can't be only me. Others have lost people they loved as much as I did Gee. I can't bring myself to ask them. It would be intruding on their grief or is it that it would expose my own.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Random Stuff

 Rachel and I put up the Christmas tree. So many ornaments, so many memories.

Gee's "Fowl" ornament, a bird in a striped shirt,  he laughed so hard when the kids gave it to him.  The old glass ornaments that came from my grandmother. The snowmen my mother made. The Santa that was my fathers when he was a kid. The ones the kids made that are beautiful to me, and they seem embarrassed about. Each one has a story, where it came from, who it belonged to, how it connects us to the past.

I think that is why I give ornaments to all the kids. To give them a memory of what was going on in  their lives the year they got them. So they can look at them and tell their children I got that ornament the year...

The "game night" ladies and I went to a John McDermott concert last night. What a voice. He was performing at a local college. Sometimes when you see a live performance you're disappointed. With editing and all the electronic clean up, if you will, the voice sounds different. Not last night, he was clean and clear, like you were listening to a recording. My only disappointment, he didn't sing The Old Man, one of my mothers favorites. Instead he sang some Christmas carols, Silent Night has never sounded so beautiful.

So where has the time gone? On Tuesday I will be 54 year old. To some they may say yeah and.... I sure don't feel "Middle Aged" I still feel like a kid. I get as excited as the kids each time we plan a new adventure. Be it Disney or DC, a whale watch off the Cape, or a road trip to who knows where. I don't want to grow up, stop getting excited about roller coasters, scary movies all that stuff. I really can't wait until Jack is older and can be adventurous with Grammy...what adventures lie ahead......

Thursday, December 1, 2011

mental health day

My friend Lynda has insisted I take tomorrow off. She says I look tired, that I need to take care of myself. I have to say I must really look bad for her to say something. I haven't been sleeping very well. I wake up at 2am and don't go back to sleep until 4 or so.

This week was so tiring. F has been one big pain in the ass. Doesn't want to be in school, isn't going to class, not going to do any work, not going to take his meds........finally after a full morning of trying to get him to work he tells me I'm so F--ing demanding......well he didn't get suspended, the principal asked if I wanted him tossed, no way thats what he wants. So he had to stay, that pissed him off.  He wont be my problem any longer, the new teacher starts on Monday.

Her name is Jamie, worked at some alternative schools. She graduated a year before Clayton. Sounds like she knows what shes getting into. We'll see how things goes.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Monday, New Week, No Teacher

It is always hard for the kids I work with to come in on a Monday.  it is also the first day back after Thanksgiving break. Top it off, they wont have a teacher until next week. We have had a hard morning.

A came in this morning in a fairly good mood, first hour was good. Then F comes in. He's bored, hates school, wants to go name it he yells it today. He is so tiring. Finally I said do you really think you're the only one who wanted to stay you think for a moment that I wanted to come today knowing what the day was going to be like....he looks at me with this "really" look. You don't like it here?

Dan was in today for a short time, he is from the May Institute. He has been observing A making some recomendations for behavior plans. He hasn't seen the two kids in the same room together as of yet. He will see them on Wednesday, can't wait for that to happen, 

The new teacher starts Monday next week. She was "bumped" from one of the lower grades during the last round of cutbacks. Everyone keeps telling me how great she is, how experienced she is.....I'll believe it when I see it. Until then the Dean of Students wanted to know if I wanted her to get a sub. So I get to do all the work and not get paid for it......aaahhhh no.....I'll manage thanks, not the first time at the dance so they say.

Thursday, November 24, 2011


Another major holiday passes. I can't say it was fun, but it wasn't to bad. It was good to see the boys, I should say men, Chris and Henry are pushing 40, with Matt and Patrick not to far behind.

What was missing for me, getting Gee's plate. He never got his own food. I always got his food or put it on the table before I called him to come eat. I never thought much of it. Today I realized there was no one for me to get food for. Katie got Jacks, BJ got Saul's. What a stupid thing to feel sad about.

Rachel is at Steve's, going out on Black Friday with his folks. I wonder where they are heading. She never talks with me of their future. She keeps those thing to herself. She did say Steve has said they should get an apartment together after the finish school. I wanted to say just live here, save some money, but I didn't. I don't know what I would do if/when she moves out.

My friend Lynda called today. Wanted to make sure I was ok. Knowing that today was going to be rough. Saying she knows the next weeks wont be easy for me.I have to say I have some wonderful friends. What I would do without  her and Laureen. Both of them try to keep me busy, less time to feel sorry for myself.

I can't say I look forward to the rest of this "Holiday Season" I have asked Ruth and Dorothy to come for dinner. I should say I let Rachel push me into asking them, "because we always do"I would be ok with sitting here alone with Fred and Buster.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Another Friend Gone

My friend George has passed away, 88 years old, 5 children, Navy veteran. Stand in Grandfather for my kids. Just a really good guy.

 I went to visit him at 3pm Thursday. He was sleeping peacefully so I did not wake him. Talked briefly to his nurse on how his day had gone, all was well. He never woke up. His daughter, my very good friend Laureen called me at 5, Dad died, she said. If nothing else I hope she and her family find comfort in the knowledge he was relaxed and comfortable.

I wonder if knowing his beloved Edna was safe from harm upstairs in the Memory ward, she has Alzheimer's, was enough to let go and pass from this life.

Edna and George had just had their 65th wedding anniversary. They celebrated it quietly holding hands in his room at The Manor, the facility they were both in.

Rest in peace Grandpa LeBlanc. I will miss you.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

"White" Thanksgiving

I just read an article at I found myself laughing and thinking this must have been what Gee said to himself the first big family get together he attended. The article talks of this black woman visiting her white boyfriend's family for the first time. They walk in and she begins to wonder if they are early, she can't smell the collard greens cooking, looking at the table she sees no hot sauce, or anything that would require hot sauce for that matter. Never mind the chitlins, or corn bread....

Then I thought how our family meals had changed with Gee coming into our family. We never had collard greens, or fried cabbage, fried corn what could that possibly be, and candied sweet potatoes had not been the tradition they have become. Not to mention potato salad, deviled eggs and sweet potato pie. Who in our family would have ever bought a ham hock and know how to cook them without him. Ribs and chicken wings, grits and eggs, cornbread and biscuits the list is endless. Never mind the fine art of BBQs over charcoal.

How he enriched all of our lives..... and dared to ask my mother, "where's the meat!!"

Monday, November 14, 2011

The Joys of Mondays

For the 4th time in less than 3 years I have a teacher leaving. This one has never been happy about coming to my room. She's an inclusion teacher, who has been out so much that this room was her last chance....well she found a new job in Fitchburg. She isn't coming back after Thanksgiving. She isn't coming in today either....migraine again. I thought she would make it through her last full week but I was wrong.

I can't wait for the break. I am tired. The boys are just exhausting. A and F both need so much  one to one attention you feel you are getting pulled back and forth all day. F seldom comes in on a Monday, but he'll be here today because I'll be alone, and this was A's weekend to be with Dad....never ends well. If he goes he wont have been on meds all weekend (Dad doesn't think they are necessary) or he didn't show. Either way today will be awful. Top it off with a visit from the May Institute, my day will be complete! Dan is always full of suggestions for A and they always include more paperwork for me to keep track of.....

As I thought F was at school today, in his normal, I'm bored, I'm tired, I want to go I told him to just go....just make sure you sign out in the front office..........

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Never Listen to Country Music When You're Sad

Coffee black, cigarettes,
start this day, like all the rest,
First thing every morning that I do,
is start missing you

Some broken hearts never mend,
some memories never end,
some tears will never dry,
my love for you will never die

Should never listen to old country songs when you are sad..........

I don't know why, but tonight has been one of those feeling sorry for myself nights. What brings them on I really don't know. Maybe it was the news that one of the teachers is getting married ( number 4) on Friday. Just made the announcement, out of the blue.

 It's not that I want to get married again, or even be in a relationship, I don't, it's just I miss being in one with Gee. It is very hard to explain. The things I miss the most are the small things you wouldn't think you'd miss. I miss hearing him breath at night, the feeling of him in the bed next to me, the smell of his cologne in my car after he's used it. All those things that no one ever thinks of until they are gone.

You would think after almost a year things would have some feeling of normalcy. Well they don't. Every day is a struggle just to get out of bed. The kids, the animals they are the only things that keep me going.

I'm sure a lot of these feelings are all connected with the holidays coming. Rachel nagged me into decorating the house for Halloween. Had me put out the few things we have for Thanksgiving.  I told her to accept the invitation to dinner at Steve's, but she didn't she is dragging me to BJ's. Not looking forward to Christmas. I haven't asked but I assume Clayton and Katie will be heading to Tennessee. I really miss Jack when they go but I wont be any kind of fun this year anyway so it really doesn't matter.

 Maybe that's what it is nothing really matters to me right now.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Mouse Whisperer

Rachel truly is the mouse whisperer. We had an incident this weekend with a mouse in the house. I am absolutely terrified of rodents. Really, I have sweaty palms, weak knees, the whole nine yards. Gee would laugh at me...saying crap like it makes no sense....yeah that's why it's called an irrational fear!!!!

First some background. About three years ago,this same time of year, I heard something in the hall. When I went to see what it was the cat was rolling on the carpet. I said something like hi kitty and out of the corner of my eye I saw something move, a chipmunk was sitting on the hall table cleaning his whiskers...I screamed, the chipmunk jumped off the table, cat chasing it down. I'm yelling at Gee get it, get it.....anyway I called my friend Laureen what do I do....her husband David tells me open the doors, make a racket by beating on some pans and it should run out....ok I open the doors and start beating the crap out of a metal bowl, Gee starts yelling he's not heating the outside and shuts the doors, I start yelling If you'd just help me get the little bastard out we could shut the doors... then it runs from the dining room almost over Gee's feet. So we open the doors and start beating them again making a hell of a racket, out the door goes the chipmunk.

So fast forward to late Thursday. Rachel wakes me up about 1 am, the cellar door is open and the cat was chasing something. I get up put the hall light on and there they go the cat running after a mouse. Shit, ok well what now.....we left the hall light on, shut the bedroom doors and hoped the cat got the mouse. The cat spent the day looking at the hall clock. Next day he's watching the radiator in the kitchen. I'm thinking the little bugger got away, until this afternoon. Fred is in the kitchen trying to dig his way under the hutch in the kitchen....what is wrong with you dopey dog and then I see it running back and forth along that wall in the kitchen!! So now I'm standing on a chair beating around the hutch with a broom and off he runs behind the dog cage into the living room under the couch. So we put Fred out and open the door, I am beating this metal bowl to death with a wooden spoon and Rachel is watching me not quite laughing but is very amused at this point, because it isn't working. I go back in the kitchen and she says I see him very quietly. He's smelling the fresh air, every time he comes out a bit further and runs back but after about 30 minutes the little bugger makes a run for the door and out he goes!!! She shuts the door and laughs at me.... What would I have done if she hadn't been home? I have no idea. Thankfully I don't have to figure that out!
One very long week finally over. We have had the absolute day from hell. A was just uncontrollable. Literally banging his head against the wall. Why one might ask....he tells me he likes doing it. He found out that wouldn't get him suspended so he took a marker and drew on the rug. Now he's happy, 3 days at home, destruction of school property.

 F's and his sister come running down the 7th grade hall way, B pushes F into the wall yelling "give me the money." Guess F took money from his Mom and she needed it back. After tackling F, B got the's a family thing says the Dean of Students....well maybe but it happened in front of a hallway full of other kids.

The 8th grade had the yearly "talk" with the principle....keep your hands to yourself, none of the usual nonsense, including public displays of affection, corn dogging, for those uninformed that's a knee to the butt, bottlecaping, poking one in the throat, or nipple twists, one of the boys favorites, and the newest nasty, "it's just something we do"thing they have come up with...licking each other. Yup you read correctly they lick each other. This years 8th grade is sooo tiring. They are loud, rude and just down right nasty to each other, never mind staff. These are the worse behaved kids we have seen in alot of years. On of the 7th grade teachers told us last year, "Just wait, these guys are the worse..." she was right.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Snow Snow and more Snow

It's only October and we have gotten 24" of snow. If that isn't bad enough my snow blower wouldn't start!! With the help of one of the neighbors I got it all cleaned up. Well most of it anyway. I still have some on the deck to get rid of, but the dog can get out and most of the weight is off. First chance I get I'm off to the Toro store for a new snow blower. I can feel my muscles already, took two aleve and now I just hope I can get up in the morning!!


Well my credit card balance is a bit heavier....just bought a new snow blower. What a beast, Rachel says the other snow blowers wont laugh at us anymore. The one I picked turns on its own, no muscling needed, so Rachel should be able to run it if necessary. One of the neighbors told me to go to this place, the service everything they sell, pick up and delivery free,.. he got his there and wasn't anymore expensive than where I I just hope I don't need it!

Rachel has been home since Sunday, Westfield has had no power. She got the all call yesterday, classes resume on Wednesday morning. She was really happy about being home, she got to hand out candy last night, just loves Halloween. Jack was so cute....Superman to the rescue!!

My schedule is changing at work again. This time it is because of one of my students can't seem to behave in his classes. He will spend most of his day in my room until he can. He will be "so plesant" when he finds out this morning when he gets back from being suspended, for the 3rd time this year....yes it is only November 1st. Otherwise nothing changes at the Middle School.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

George and Edna

I spent the afternoon yesterday sitting with my friend Laureen's mom, Edna. George had a doctors appointment and Edna can't be left alone anymore, she has Alzheimer's. I knew from the time I walked into the house she no longer remembers me. This woman who was so very funny, insightful and a stand in grandma for my children after my mother died is slipping away. She was confused. Wondered why I was there and where was George. She played with her hair and smoothed out her clothes. Then I asked her where she met George....

She wasn't sure, but knew it was a long time ago. She also told me about when she was younger she would come home from school, put her bathing suit on and walk down the street to the ocean and swim with her brother and sister. How she went to high school at Brainbridge Academy. How her mother would cook for the old people in the neighborhood. How she used to tap dance on the stage and sing with her brother on the radio....

George came home, carrying his oxygen tank. His doctor increased his oxygen to 2.5. About two years now he had part of his lung removed. At almost 90 he still cares for Edna, tells his children he does not want to be separated from her, but is showing signs of becoming over whelmed.

I am saddened because these wonderful people, who only want to spend the last of their lives together are being robbed because of a horrific disease has invaded her mind and taken the joy she once had in life and is taking her away from him one little piece at a time.

I so wish I had spent more time listening to the stories my parents told, my grandparents and George and Edna. Why didn't I listen more, when they all had the time to tell me the stories of their lives? My parents and grandparents are gone, George and Edna will soon follow. another piece of the past lost to us forever.

Monday, October 24, 2011


I have a real dislike for Mondays. The kids come back from the weekend all crabby and mouthy. It's only been two days. I find myself saying things like.... I don't care how you talk at home, around here you can't call each other B****, or anything else like it. I really can't believe I spend my days saying things like that. Today I had to tell a kid to go spit out that pencil eraser ( metal top and all). It's a choking hazard. These are 8th grade regular ed kids. Not my kids, who it wouldn't surprise me to say these kinds of things.

I spent more than 30 minutes today cleaning the copy machine of stuck paper. After that I tried again same thing happens. I went to the office, still covered in black ink and the secretary proceeds to tell me all I need to do is pull the paper out. After asking her what in the hell do you think I've been doing for the past half hour...well that was in my head....what I said out loud was I put an out of order sign on it and I have to go back to class....

My student A decides he isn't going to do anything but walk in circles around desks. The teacher tells me to do some "planned ignoring", this is part of his behavior plan, ok I know I don't have a PHD like the guy who wrote his behavior plan....but this is stupid. I'm supposed to ignore his behavior, let him be a distraction for the others in the classroom. How am I going to tell one of them that they can't do the same behaviors A does. Why is it ok for him but not them....guess that didn't come to mind as he was writing the plan.

Tomorrow is a half day.....all the middle school kids will be heading to all the fast food joints....look out downtown!!!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

walk in the woods

What a difference a day makes....went walking on the bike path this afternoon. It was a cool, crisp, fall day, sun shinning about 60, just gorgeous. I really love this weather. Had alot of time, just me quiet looking over the lake. Watched a blue heron fly over. The water was shinning and sparkling like only a lake in New England can do, surrounded by leaves of red, orange and gold. Makes me wonder why I don't do that more often. The calming effect was unbelievable, almost magical.

So what revelations have come to me on this magical walk? What pearls of wisdom do I have to offer? Well one thing I have to stop letting things at work get to me when there is nothing I can do about them. I can't worry about things I have no control over. Gee always said worry doesn't help any.

 I have also realized that I will never get over Gee's death, not really. I will have good days and bad days and that's ok. On good days I will rejoice in the memory of how very lucky I was to have had such a wonderful man in my life. On bad, well self pity and tears for that same wonderful man or for myself.  Grief is such a lonely thing. It doesn't matter if you are surrounded by loved ones you are alone. It will consume you if you allow it. That wasn't an option for me...I promised Gee to be strong so I have tried to be.

A walk in the woods....

Saturday, October 15, 2011


Little feet are running through the house tonight. Clayton and Katie are at a wedding, Jack was the ring barer. Unkie Bums (Mike Rummery) and Clayton have been friends since high school. Jack was so cute in his tux. We watched his favorite movie Despicable Me, had a juice box and some cheese and he went to bed. He has made my week.

 I had an awful week. I really enjoy going to Kristina's science class. It's about the only class I'm in that I  get to do more than stand around. Well because my student A has been tossed out of every class except science I have to do academic support with him. So that means I'm not in science any more.

I have had one of those weeks where self pity is as thick as molasses around here. I just was missing Gee so much. If I could have I'd have stayed in bed all week. Made myself go to work like always one foot in front of the other. I just don't want to do this any more, like I have any kind of choice.

 Fred is my only saving grace so to speak....always present and watchful. Having to care for him and the cat gives me a reason not to go right to bed after work. He has suffered too this week, no walks just tied out on the deck.  He's such a nice little dog, I don't know what I'd do without him.

I hope next week is better than last.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Dearest Gee

I wonder if you miss me as much as I do you? I hope you don't. My heart would break if after all you went through, the pain and suffering, and still you have the pain of separation.

 My hope for you is you're sitting on the porch with Boss by your side. Relaxing in the warm breeze with the smells of lilac in the air, drink in hand. Maybe the smell of ham hocks and beans or collard greens cooking along with cornbread in the oven would be more to your liking. I still hear your voice,"."something sure smells good." With the smooth sounds of Albert King in the back ground.

I still miss you as much today as I did the day you passed from this life. First I felt guilt, for feeling relieved you had gone, no more pain, no more suffering.  Then came the anger, anger at the VA, why did they put you on a 5 year schedule, angry with myself for not insisting you see a civilian doctor sooner, angry with  God for having this most horrible of diseases invade your body once again, angry with any/every one who dared to say it was a blessing, what did they know about it....Now there is sadness, overwhelming melancholy along with the guilt and anger. I dream of you, waking in tears to the thought that once more you have left me. My days are a conscious effort to put one foot in front of the other. Work, home, sleep round and round, over and over.

The passage of time hasn't relieved me of the pain, I just hide it better. I think sometimes I hold on to the sadness because if I let it go what then? What can possibly be waiting for me. My heart aches for you. I am afraid that soon I wont remember the sound of your booming laugh, that gentle voice, wispering to your babies, the feel of your hand in mine.  I was afraid to loose you, now I fear loosing the only thing I have left, my memories of you.

Always and Forever Yours

Monday, October 3, 2011

Deerfield Fair

The Deerfield Fair is one of those many country fairs going on in New England this time of year. This is the 135th year. We love going. Except for Rachel's freshman year and the year she was born we have gone to this fair every year. They have horse pulls, cattle pulls, cows, goats, pigs , chickens, 4-H, craft entries, flowers, vegetables the list is endless.

It also has food vender's. Yes we eat our way through the fair. Always the same order, how else could you be sure to see everything. We try to get there early, Huge donuts for breakfast....walk through the cow barn and the draft horse barn....time for pizza or baked potato.....walk through the commercial buildings, checking out the new snow blowers (I'm buying one this year), through the flower building, time for buffalo, either burger or sausage, but don't eat the bun, save room tor more food....go through the craft building, beautiful quilts, knitted things, paintings and photos, oh the cheese some great cheddar, xxx sharp, of coarse there are samples...lets head over towards the horse jumpers, time for fries, not that guy, to greasy, the guy near the ring.....get a large to share, watch some horses walk towards the sheep dog demo, the farmer talks of his old dogs and we know all their names...Pete the pig dog, Rosie the one who was hit by lightning,Nell, Rosie's mother.....head over to the 4-H buildings, all the projects by the local groups....time for apple crisp with ice cream.....

OK the sky is looking a bit dark, 60% chance of rain... have eaten all the have to foods...seen everything except the horse pull, but that's not until the afternoon so we call it a day and head home. We really called it, we hadn't made it to the highway before it started to pour, like the skies just opened up.  Once again we had a great day, lots of good food and something to look forward to for next year!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Day Off

Taking the day off. I just needed a mental health day. This year has just one big cluster _____ (insert whatever word you feel fits). I am getting another new schedule, I will be pulled from the ELA class I have with F. Seems the teachers who are in there feel more comfortable about dealing with his issues. That's the good news, the bad.... they are planning on putting me in another class full of kids who run wild....not feeling it right now.

I have PLENTY to keep me busy today. I have laundry to do, the windows are awful and the curtains are full of cat hair from Buster sitting in the open window all the time. All these things that I always found time for when Gee was here that I just never seem to get to. I might even clean off the kitchen table. It has just become a catch all for papers, calculators, watches all that crap stuff that never seems to get put away. Looking around the kitchen right now I realize I have pockets of clutter....the dog cage, the high chair, the hutch...crap everywhere. Most of the time I don't see it, or don't want to see it.

I haven't been sleeping again, disturbing dreams. Not really scary dreams, just strange ones. I wake up about 2am and can't go back to sleep for hours then it's time to get up for work. Last weekend a friend woke me up it was 11am, I had gotten up to put the dog out early and went to back to bed, then took a nap for 3 hours, Freddie woke me up at 5, then was in bed by 9... what all this is about I don't know. I know I'm ready for it to stop!!

Rachel is coming home Friday, we'll go to Deerfield Fair on Saturday, Friday night she is going to the high school football game, to visit band kids, and Sunday she has Steve's brother Mikes birthday party. So like always I don't see much of her but can't wait for her to come home.

Saturday, September 24, 2011


I have always just loved Halloween, costumes, movies, carving pumpkins, the excitement of the kids, just everything. I have almost more decorations for Halloween than for Christmas. Last year I didn't decorate much, just a few things for Jack. Gee was at the Highlands, just wasn't up to it.

Not really up for it this year either. Just seems like it's such a chore to do anything. Getting the regular stuff done takes to much energy. I'm lucky I get the laundry done. Even then sometimes, most times I have to rewash something because I left a batch of clothes in the washer. None of it means anything to me.

I thought it was supposed to get better with time.... nothing changes really. Missing him as much now as I did in December. Each time I post I want write something happy....and then this overwhelming sadness takes over. Maybe it's because when I write so many memories flood over me. I saw gizzards in the grocery store and I hear him say "fry em hard Rob, where's the hot sauce" Everywhere I go everything I do there is the memory of Gee. I only wish they would bring a smile instead of a tear.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Sanity Returns

A few days have past and I have regained my sanity! The situation at school hasn't gotten any better, just funnier. Three times today I either walked into a room with someone already covering or I was in a class and in walks someone else. Seems Teddy, a para from the 6th grade, had no idea where she was supposed to be, she was double booked, so to speak, all day. If she didn't cross with me she was crossing with Lynda.

I really hate the thought that people at work saw me in such a vulnerable crazy state.... good grief thankfully it was only Kim and Liz, not in a class or something. I can hear it now....MRS GEE NUTTED UP TODAY..... well it didn't happen so no worries.

Friday is Game Night.... these women are so much fun.... they have known each other for years, so sometimes I have to ask what are they talking about but we sure laugh, sometimes that is more healing than anything else.

Monday, September 19, 2011

melt down

melt down.....not one of my kids, me......going over my new, new schedule today I told the Dean I'm done .... I'm done, this is the one place that I'm not supposed to have to think about what I'm doing, I should know what I'm doing and I don't..... and then I started crying...... I never bring those feelings to school.....they are to stay at home waiting to be revisited....not to be reveled to others.... no one knew Gee's birthday was yesterday, I don't talk of Gee to anyone, oh the Gee would say or Gee did, sure but never ever how I feel about him or anything even close....I can't....I feel if I ever did I could not stop and I would be lost forever.....  how can you tell someone that you have lost your soul....that you are empty inside, there is nothing left of you because you gave it all to one who is gone...and they took it with them....maybe he needed it for the strength to leave ...... no one really wants to know these things....they want to hear you lie and say all is well.....

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


I never thought I would say it, I hate my job this year! It is only the 13th of September and my schedule has changed 10 times if it changed once. I was told today, in a very condescending way, my student, A, who has not been out in the student body for two years, doesn't have a one to one accommodation in his IEP, he'll be fine in two classes alone. So I have been pulled to go to the 7th grade floor to follow a kid, F, who also doesn't have  a one to one accommodation, but has been out in regular classes, I guess he is more important....

I sound bitter, well I am. I am good at my job, I know my kids, and to be told in such a way that I don't know what I'm talking about has just about crushed me. This from someone who has repeatedly told me I should go back to school because I am so good at what I do.Yes I am "just" a paraprofessional, I do not have a 4 year degree, I have a 2 year degree in Human Services and something that is obviously lacking in the administration, I have common sense. My common sense tells me A will crash and burn with out  support. He will spend his 8th grade year as he did his 6th and 7th, in a room with no contact with the other students and they will wonder why his social skills do not improve.

A is not the only kids I work with, in his two classes of 25 students there are 6 other kids, that's 7 out of 25, that's 28% of the class is on an IEP, but it makes sense to "them" to move me for one kid...oh yeah I didn't tell you THERE ARE TWO TEACHERS IN THAT ELA CLASS ALREADY!!!!

I am sick over this. In all my years working in Project Support I have never never felt like quiting, bitching yes but never quiting.  I guess I'll have to buy my first lottery ticket, never felt the need, my only question, which one and what do you do with them once you buy it?

Monday, September 12, 2011

Kindness of Others

Dave Duncan lives behind me. From the day we moved in he and Gee hit it off. Helping each other with projects around the house. Gee helping Dave dig drainage ditches, Dave helping Gee hang doors. Whatever needed doing they always knew they had another set of hands to make the work go faster.

When Gee got to ill to do the yard work, Dave started taking care of it all. From mowing to fertilizing he had it covered. Telling me not to worry just take care of Gee and myself. Dave took Gee's final illness as hard as anyone. Always a welcomed visitor, each time he stopped he left visibly shaken to see how rapidly Gee was failing, careful not to let Gee see how hard it was to see him so vulnerable.

Saturday when I got home from the grocery store he had mowed the front  and was working on the back. When I went out back to thank him he said what he always says..... Gee would do it for me...... he is so right Gee would

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Gee's Birthday

  Gee was born in Georgia.His grandfather was born a slave, Gee was born September 18, 1934, his father was a share cropper, his mother a wife with 7 children at the time, 8 by the time she died less than 5 years later. Bonnie and Clyde were alive and well, John Dillinger was killed and Alcatraz opened for business. He would tell stories of his childhood that were so foreign to me. Picking cotton with his twin sister knowing they couldn't pick fast enough for his aunt, who would beat them if they didn't fill the bag as fast as she. Eating fried salt pork and corn bread for dinner because there wasn't anything else. Of going to Cleveland and being even hungrier than in Georgia, at least there you could run down a rabbit on occasion. Leaving home at 13 never to go back, until his brother James died 30 years later. Even then if not for Babygirl he wouldn't have gone back. While at the funeral his father says to him, "I know you don't I??

Babygirl has said Gee was very protective of us when he was in Cleveland. Not liking many questions ....the usual, why a white girl, why one so young.....Babygirl said  he would always say what do I want with some one as old as me, I need someone to take care of me in my old age....he was joking at the time, little did he know. He didn't like people in "his business" was very private. Not many ever really knew what he was thinking, how he felt about things. Oh he would argue over almost anything, but not much of himself would shine through. He learned very early, friends were the ones who hurt you.... what happened to make him that way I have no idea.

Gee had many sayings. Impossible only takes a little longer,..... it's your friends that will hurt ya....., believe half of what you see, none of what you hear......... if it wasn't  for bad luck I'd have no luck at all..... Rachel has said she wants a tattoo in memory of her Dad... Impossible only takes a little longer...he said that to her often....and she believes it.

I can't believe so much time has passed..... it still seems it was only yesterday, not 35 years, that I met him. I was hooked that's for sure. He collected people, the ones that stayed stayed forever. We had friends he was in Germany with, people he called sports with, old army buddies, people who played sports, the list is endless. We had a good ride, so to speak. I would do it again, in a minute, even knowing he would leave me alone so soon. All the tears, the heart ache, and the loneliness was all  worth it.


Saturday, September 3, 2011

school begins

After 5 days with students I have already had to sub for my teacher 2 days, Thursday and Friday. She gets headaches... My schedule still isn't right, I still have two classes a day that I have to "find" something to do. Most days I go to 7th grade science, Kristina graduated with Clayton, very funny and engaging teacher.

Rachel moves in on Monday, she can't wait. Missing her classes and her friends. She will come back for her birthday and get her car.  Where does the time go, 20 years old this year.

As for me nothing changes. I haven't been sleeping well. Very strange dreams, sad dreams. Most I don't remember except I am very sad when I awake. I miss Gee as much now as the day he died. I function through the day, I go to work, cook, do laundry all those things that need doing, but when I am alone and all is quiet the pain of his not being here returns. His birthday is coming up soon, September 18 th., what will the day bring, sadness and tears I imagine.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Another Season Passes

I have been caught in that place of dark thoughts and sadness. So many happy things happening around me and I feel this uncontrollable urge to run and hide under the covers hoping morning will come soon and chase the shadows away.

Jack's 2nd birthday party was yesterday. Katie gives a nice party and Clayton has gotten to be the next great grill king. I on the other hand just couldn't wait to get home. So many of their friends so genuine in their inquiries of how things are going. The thought that just last year Gee was here and though frail could still manage to attend....I had all I could do not to breakdown and cry.

Rachel and I went to see RENT at the local college Friday. I had seen the movie, so I know the story, but I was so touched by the two boys who play Angel and Collins it was all I could do not to dissolve in tears. I felt Gee's loss all over again.

I go back to work on Thursday, not looking forward to going.  Another new teacher, 3rd in so many years, and she doesn't want the job. Talks of prize boxes and rewards....this is 8th grade, they need to get ready for high school and I doubt there will be any "prizes" waiting for them there. I know nothing of what I will be doing, except that I will be out in some classes. Our students range from Autistic to violent (he should be placed somewhere else)....the meek and mild to the gangsta wanna be's.

Freddie is starting to show his age, sleeping so much more, loosing his hearing, having stomach issues. He is 11 now and slowing down. I had been making his dog food, boiled chicken and rice mixed with a bit of dried food. We have moved on to organic dog food. He is doing ok so far, we'll see if it lasts.  He is my constant companion, I shudder to think what would I ever have done without him these past months. He is still a happy little dog, but I do worry about him more as he ages. He is Lyme positive so that brings it's own challenges and he has had heartworm....

Rachel moves in two weeks from today. She is more than ready, missing her friends from school. She has said her goodbyes at the Manor, assuring the residents she will visit when she is home. I will miss her so very much. Fred will look for her and Buster will be happy to have "his" room back.

All will be back to normal for everyone....... everyone but me.

Friday, August 12, 2011


Eight months and I still see his haunted eyes, his shallow face and wasted body. That image he never wanted anyone, let alone his children see, vulnerable. I also see him laughing, with his whole heart and soul, big loud and boisterous. His big hands holding Jaxon so very gently, afraid the cancer took his strength and may drop him. I miss him so very much. Even now I wonder how will I ever make it without him, when we are making it.

I was afraid of summer vacation. How would I be without work everyday to keep me busy. It hasn't been to bad. Rachel has been home from school. I also think I am getting used to being on my own. Not feeling as guilty for the freedom of coming and going when I want. For so long I had to schedule people to sit with him, come in and check on him, before I could do what I needed to do. I find myself hearing his voice when I go places at night, he hated us out after dark.

Fall is coming soon, the stores have all the fall colors out. Back to school stuff has been out for months. Rachel can take her car this year so my trips to Westfield will be less. She will come home for her car the second weekend and will leave it over Thanksgiving, to much trouble to have over the winter. I will miss her, but she is more than ready to go back. She misses her friends.

Once again it will be Fred, Buster and me. Fred has been sleeping a lot more lately. Doesn't hear as well and shows some stiffness is the mornings. He is 10 this year. His issues with peeing in the house have gotten better. As long as we follow the same routine when we leave he seems to be ok. Some wouldn't put up with a dog like Fred, his issues and quirks, but we love him. What else can you do with an old dog?

Buster, on the other hand, shows little signs of aging. As sleek as he always was. He will be 13 this year. Never been a lap cat, more of an attack cat, he has become more affectionate as he ages. Always one to come to you for attention, being very timid, not receptive to you going at him.

Another step forward, made it through the summer.

Saturday, August 6, 2011


Who would have thought that one kid can have so much crap in her room that it takes two rooms to hold it during painting!! I'm not even talking about bed and dressers, they are still in there.

Boxes upon boxes full of "stuff" she can't part with. Concert tickets on her white board, a prom ribbon, a felt flower she got when she got her wisdom teeth out, an ice cream spoon "taken" from Friendlies.....a "mooch spoon" the kids call them.....crap everywhere.  The cat slinks upstairs and hides under a chair, the dog is just in the way.

Finally after a late night vacuuming under the dressers, so gross, dust, hair, yuck.....we will start to paint today. celling, walls and trim. I hope to get half way done today Thursday, and finish on Friday. We have a birthday party on Saturday for Steve, 19, and on Sunday for Bradeigh, 1.


We finished Rachel's room yesterday. It is now a very bright blue/green. I hesitate to call it aqua, although it is a Disney color called under the sea, or something like that. We found some really great fabric for the curtains, a purple green blue tie dyed stuff, should look great.  Steve will hook up all her electronic stuff on Monday and Rachel needs to move all her crap back in. Hopefully she will edit as she goes. Not that I want her to toss her most beloved of treasures, but put some in a plastic bin and save them instead of  overflowing into Clayton's old room.

Today she is giving Steve his birthday gift....she Alan and some others are going to play paintball. I know the boys will love it but I doubt Rach will. She's not really the get dirty, hit me even though I know it's going to hurt kind of girl. She found this place in Chicopee where they have different playing fields, old barns, big rocks, all the stuff you need to play.

I have less than 3 weeks left before I go back to work! I can't say I'm not looking forward to seeing my friends at work, because I am.....but once again what I'm going to be doing is a mystery. New teacher, new policy, new students....seems the only thing that stays the same is Mrs. G. Oh well such is life at Gardner Middle School.

We are planning a trip to Washington DC over Rachel's spring break. Ann has been trying to get us to go for years. Laureen may join us too. It should be a great time!

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Jack and Grandma

I have had Jack all week, I must say I am exhausted! How can so much energy be inside such a little person! Clayton and Jack came home from Tennessee last Sunday. Katie stayed another week, her Uncle has been in the hospital, things are not looking very good.

Anyway being summer Jack only goes to day care once a week so he hung out with me and Aunt Rachel. With all the toys he has around him what does he play with here at Grammy's, plastic containers, and a spatula. We took him to Davis Farmland in Sterling. He just loves this place. All kinds of farm animals, goats,, sheep, cows, llamas, rabbits and chickens. There is also what they call a splash park. It is all fenced in so the kids can walk around and they have what is called a closed exit. To exit you must show the wrist band that matches with the kid you are with, very kid safe. Rachel wasn't thrilled, never did like petting zoo's," just not sanitary."

Jack will be so happy to see Mama today. He was such a good boy, but Grammy isn't Mama.

When I look at him all I can think of is how Gee loved this little guy. Couldn't wait to see him, hold him and talk with him. He's a firecracker that's for sure.

Friday, July 22, 2011


Derek has returned home safe and sound having spent the last year in Afghanistan. Derek is my "adopted son", Clayton's life long friend,Rachel's other brother, Laureen and David's son.  Our prayers have been answered for him. Now we pray for all the soldiers away from home in harms way.


Monday, July 18, 2011


How can it be seven months that has passed? Yesterday, last week maybe, but seven months. It often feels like he is away on one of his many trips to Texas, Cleveland or off calling a game. Still after all this time it doesn't seem real sometimes. Is this how it will be from now on? A sort of limbo between two worlds of reality. That sounds a bit strange, however I don't seem to be able to find the words to convey my meaning. Yes I know he is dead, I just don't feel like he's dead sometimes.

I went to the cemetery today, brought him white roses. It's a very plain, calming place, I go about once a month. Gee wouldn't like me to go any more often, he was that kind of guy. As always the grounds were as neat as a pin, the guys were mowing the empty areas.

Most of my posts are of sadness and loss. I wish there was more happiness. It isn't that my days are full of self pity and loneliness. There is plenty of that, however it really isn't all consuming. I'm not sitting in the dark, hiding from the world. I just can't seem to find enough happy things to write about. I have decided to try to find more happiness around me. I need to do this, Gee would want me to be happier. I am sure of that. Now I just have to figure out how to do it.

Friday, July 15, 2011


Lost in sadness today. Nothing has happened, I just feel sad. Missing Gee so very much, a day doesn't pass that I don't cry, is it for him or me I don't know. I seem to be having a harder time these passed weeks. I still have piles of crap I need to go through of Gee's. Things I need to get rid of, donate or dump, that sit on the table in the dining room. Just can't seem to do it. I have sweaters in the hope chest that were Gee's made by my mother, what do I do with these. Clayton doesn't want them. Now there are two issues, they were Gee's and made by my mother, can't just throw them out, well I can't.

It's the same story for so many things around here. Something was Gee's, his music, his movies, his "stuff" in the basement. Holding on to things because I can't hold on to him. Why would I hang on to old work boots and raggy old coats. They are still where he left them.

 I haven't been sleeping very well, or I have strange dreams. I don't usually remember dreams. These are so very strange, not frightening really, just disturbing. I wake often and then don't get back to sleep for hours. Lying in bed tears falling, wondering how I possibly make it all work.......

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Field Trip

Summers growing up in my family was pretty predictable, a trip to Hampton Beach, Benson's Wild Animal Farm, and ice cream at Kimbell Farm. We would also visit a museum or a historical site. My father was what some people would call a history nut. It was a tradition in the family.

I have tried to carry this tradition with my own children. Clayton would go anywhere as long as it included food at some point. He enjoyed going to the places he could touch things. Higgins Armour Museum in Worcester was a favorite place. Rachel has lists of places she wants to go, from Washington DC to the Tower of London. For her 13th birthday, Ann and I took her and 3 friends to Boston. Where did she choose to go.... The Museum of Fine Arts of course.

This year Rachel and I visited the Mark Twain House in Hartford CT with Bruce and Jo. What a neat place. First we watched a short film about his life, which I found very interesting and then off to tour the house. While most of the house is restored and furnished with period pieces there are still a few areas not open to the public yet. There is also a small art gallery with paintings used for illustrations in special editions of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn by Norman Rockwell, one of Rachel's favorite artists.

We are headed next? A trip to see Mr. Rogers sweater isn't out of the question. I hear Washington is lovely in the fall.

Monday, July 4, 2011

I lost a friend

A friend of mine passed away on June 30th. Geraldine Woodcome was an elderly lady, 89, who had been friends of my parents for years and years. After my dad died I wrote to tell her of his death, I couldn't find her telephone number. She wrote back and we started this friendship through letters. She was a nice lady, who outlived two husbands and a daughter. She would go to Florida in the winter and  once just stayed there for a few years. Until the day I got a phone call, "Guess what I did," she says. She was moving back to Fitchburg, to the Sun Dial, the elderly high rise. We continued to write, talk on the phone and have lunch a few times a year. With her passing brings to a close my connection to my parents generation ....all those who knew my parents way back when are gone now.

The aunts and uncles are gone, the classmates, the life long friends. All the people who could tell the stories of their youth have gone. It is very sad. I will miss her. May she rest in peace.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011


I had Jack over night on Saturday. How much energy can one little guy have! It didn't help Clayton said he took a 4 hour nap.....4 hours! Good thing Rachel was home to share the wealth so to speak. We colored, we cooked, we played outside, we played with the trains, big Thomas fan, and back to coloring again. We watched some TV, NCIS, he started to fall asleep so upstairs we went. No, no bed....ok lets watch TV in Grammies bed, an hour later he drifts is now 11pm. I went down stairs to let Fred out, got the cat in the basement, and went to bed.......5:45am he is talking to his Bruins bear. We come down stairs, change his diaper, get a drink, and think about breakfast.

Yougert, yea, put some in a bowl....yuckie he says...gave him some melon, which he ate like no tomorrow yesterday, yuckie......want some eggs, no yuckie.....ok so I look around in the freezer we have frozen about waffles....WAFFLES WAFFLES, as he dances around.....I guess he likes waffles...he woke Rachel up yelling WAFFLES....he ate one and a half! Then we watched How to Train Your Dragon. Cute movie. Jack pointed at almost every picture, Da, Mama, baby...then he comes to the one with him and Gee at Rachel's graduation, he points to his sucker in the picture and says binki, I said thats Grandpa and Jack...and he said Grandpa......

So now  it's Tuesday, have finally gotten over the whirlwind named Jack, counting the days until he comes back, to color and cook and empty out the tupperware cabinet.

Friday, June 24, 2011

If it's not one thing....

The washing machine is dead, shaft wont move. I went to change the wash and I have a tub full of wet, soaked towels.....oh shit.....pull them out, try the machine again, was it overloaded, nope not moving, I am pissed because I may have to buy a new washer....I go up stairs and pull the light cord, yea old light fixtures, in the kitchen to hard and holy shit I pulled the cord out to far and now that wont work.... un friggin believable!!! I will not ask what else could be next, because I'll be cursed for sure!

David to the rescue, came yesterday and fixed the light, offered to look at the washer but I have already called the repairman. He'll be here at 2 today to fix it hopefully.

I probably shouldn't be a homeowner, can't do anything, and surely have no money to have them the light, it was a ten minute job for David....even Gee, could do that kind of electrical I haven't a clue how to start. The lawn mower and the snow blower...if they start I'm good, if not I have absolutely no idea what to look looking under a car hood, yep we have an engine under here, what it does who knows.

You would think after all those years for holding crap for my father and for Gee I would have learned something. I know what a Phillips screwdriver is, other than that I got nothing. It isn't that I wasn't willing to help, but it was always easier to just hand over the tools, and try not to get in the light!

Had my yearly doctors appointment.....guess what, I'm FAT....I know! what a surprise, I am so glad I just paid a guy to tell me that he'd like me to loose 30 pounds! I wouldn't right. Other wise, he's watching my sugar and cholesterol, my blood pressure is good. Had my colonoscopy and my mammogram will be next week. Oh joy I get to be poked and prodded for a few more days!

Rachel just got her financial aid package. She's received a state grant and a pell grant, and some other grant that I had never heard of. Now she needs to hear from Stone Fund, the renewable scholarship she received. All and all I am very much relieved about how we are going to handle paying for her year at school. Oh yeah, and her boss last year told her she has a job again with him, thank you Cid!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011


There is nothing like watching a bunch of teachers play beer pong! Yeah I went to the end of the year party. It was a nice end to a very tough year. I wouldn't have gone if not for Rachel and Lynda's prodding. Those two wouldn't take no for an answer. The appetizers were great, everyone out doing themselves. Art made some stuffed mushrooms that were absolutly fabulaous! Everyone will be making them, so easy and impressive! Just bacon, onions, stems, bit of cream cheese for a binder top with pizza cheese and bake until browned, just wonderful.

I had a chance to talk to teachers I couldn't all year. One, Kristina, 7th grade science, keeps asking when will I be back in her room. Makes you feel good knowing that you really do make a difference to the people you work with. You are missed when you are not in their classrooms. I really enjoyed her class, she is so energetic and full with enthusiasm for the subject matter it is infectious and she brings her students along for the ride. She also has ADHD, and told me often, "this is me on meds."

I have had some time to talk to the "new" teacher for the reinstated Project Support program, in other words, the behavior room. She is an inclusion teacher from the 6th grade floor. I have heard rumors of why she is moving, if true it will be a long  year for me. They are just rumors and  I don't want to start the summer off under a black cloud. However, she has only worked with Sp-ed kids, learning disabilities, autistic, cognagant issues...not behavioral problems. I had to wonder where was this wonder of wonders the principal kept telling me about? She kept talking about prizes, treasure boxes, and rewards. Middle school kids don't care about lollypops and airheads... Summer vacation has offically started, I will worry about this in August!

Rachel is so enjoying working at the nursing home. Yesterday she took three residents, all women outside for a while. One knows neighbors of ours, one is at the Manor with her husband, they never had children and one never leaves her room, but chose to go when Rachel asked her to come along. Tonight is bingo night, she will go to help out. I hope they are happy with how things are going, she really is.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

impossible only takes a little longer

The person whom you choose to marry
is perhaps the single most vivid representation of your personality.
Your spouse becomes the most gleaming possible mirror
through which your emotional individualism is reflected back to the world.
....that choice tells us,to a large extent,who you are.

~ Elizabeth Gilbert~

I just found this on a blog I stumbled upon. I wonder if it is true. Gee and I were so different from each other. He was so open, I am so guarded. He was so joyful, I am so sullen. He so optimistic, I am so doubtful. Maybe it isn't a reflection, not a representation of who we are but what we want to be. Why would Gee want to be sullen, guarded and doubtful?

I know I was a different person when I was with him, everyone was. How could you stand in his shadow and not be changed. He was loud, funny, insightful and had a laugh that was infectious! He was a man who loved his family, was committed to their care and well being. He would always say, "there's no such word as can't, impossible only takes a little longer." Instilling in his children, they can do anything.

How very lucky I was to find this extraordinary man to share a brief measure of time with.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011


I have never been a great thinker, that's for sure, but I wonder about things. I contemplate so many things. Like why would anyone want to read what I write. I seem always to be whining or complaining about something. Bitching seems to be my calling of late. Nothing makes me happy enough to write it down, not that that would be anymore interesting. I really am boring, I know it, accept it, live with it.

I look at the old dog that follows me where ever I go and wonder why no one wanted this kind soul who loves me as only an old dog can. So accepting of my faults and short comings. Was it his trust issues, he still thinks when we leave we wont be back. His anxiety leads him to pee in the house. Ok to some that would be a deal breaker, but the loyalty he shows me laying his head on my lap when my heart aches for Gee, cleaning up after an old dog is just a small inconvenience.

I wonder what the world will be like when Jack is grown. Will he know of his Grandfather who loved him so very much. He couldn't wait to see him, to hold him, to talk to him. Will he have the same laid back personality as his father and grandfather? Will he have the same love of life and living as they do?

I wonder if Rachel will become jaded when she goes out in the world. She is such a loving person. Wanting to help those who need help not looking for anything in return. She also is very trusting of humankind. Not excepting there are people in the world that are just evil. My hope for her is that she always sees the world as she does now, a place of hope and kindness.

I wonder what life holds for the kids I work with. Will I have made a difference to their lives. Did I teach them what they need to make their lives better. If nothing else did I instill in them that they really can learn, that they are valuable, they are important and some one does care what happens to them. I can only hope that I have.

I wonder what my life would have been like had I not gone into Paul's bar that day.Would I have met Gee somewhere else? I have often said Gee saved me from my own self-destructive behavior. He said he didn't, that I would have figured it out on my own, I have my doubts.
I wonder.....

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Summer Vacation

Well it's here, summer vacation. Rachel wants me to go to the end of the year party. Will do me good she says. Maybe so but I doubt I'll go. I'm not the social hang out together kind of person. I never do large social situations very well. That was always Gee's thing. Always knew what to say, always good for a laugh. I never know what to say. I never think anyone really cares to listen. I'm just always in the back ground, watching, never really feeling part of the whole thing. For years I was just along for the ride. Gee always made it an interesting one that's for sure, but never was I in the lead.

I guess this all comes about because I am so guarded, only letting the very few get close. Gee being the only one never to disappoint, no matter what. Always did what he said he would, when he said he would, no excuses. There was no bull coming from Gee, always upfront and clear.

 Maybe that is why I am having such a hard time of late. Everyone seems to be telling me what they think I want to hear. Work is one long line of bullshit, no matter who you talk to. I would like for once some one from the office to say to I get "he's going to hang out with you today"...what kind of crap is that! I have become the school babysitter, wasting my time sitting in a room watching brats do nothing, while the kids I used to work with ask me when I will be back.  That they miss me and need my help. What can I say...that the office didn't think they were important enough, because there weren't enough IEP kids to keep me in the room. Didn't matter that they were struggling it is all about numbers.

This is the weekend for the 18th Relay for Life. I raised money but couldn't bring myself to go up and walk. I couldn't see myself walking with all those people, happy, smiling and such. When all I can think of is what this awful disease took from me. So if you have donated THANK YOU if you haven't  yet please send the American Cancer Society a donation, so no one else goes through all that Gee endured for so many years. Always in true Gee style, no complaints, no regrets, no excuses.

Saturday, June 4, 2011


I know many people believe in signs from loved ones who have died. I have to say I haven't been one that falls into that category. If I was I would have to say that Gee is here around me again. There has been many times over the past few months that when I am at my lowest I see something that amazes me.

Coming in from work on Valentines day to find Gee's Christmas cactus in full bloom.Was that Gee? How about driving down the Mass Pike and seeing a Bald Eagle as plain as can be flying straight at me up the road, Gee again?

Years ago, Gee was still working for Cavvicio Greenhouses, he brought home three Rhododendrons. Planted them up back. They never thrived. Thought they all died. Then today I was mowing the back lawn and isn't there a flower on one of the plants I thought long dead. I have been having a hard time of late. Nothing new really, Memorial Day, summer vacation coming up, Gee being gone six months, just feeling sad all around.  So is Gee telling me he is still here watching over us, or is it just coincedence. I can't really say, but I choose to think Gee is here with me, bringing what comfort he can when I need him the very most.

Monday, May 30, 2011


A half a year, 180 days, 4320 hours.............yesterday.

I put one foot in front of the other everyday because that is what I am supposed to do.I do the dishes, the laundry, I go to work because that is what I am supposed to do. I walk the dog, feed the cat, mow the lawn because that is what I'm supposed to do. What I want to do if I had my way, loose myself in sleep, the one place it doesn't hurt. There is only blackness.

I am beginning to feel that I should call my doctor. I continue to have days of sadness. I thought they were getting less frequent, but no if anything they are coming with more regularity. I can't talk about how I feel, I dissolve into tears with just the thought of it. What could I say, that I miss him terribly, that I feel I have no purpose, no direction. Nothing seems to make me feel better. I go out with people from work and all seems well until I get home. The cloud follows me, I can't seem to get past it.

I want to feel more like myself again. I used to be very happy with my life. We didn't have alot, but we had enough and we had each other. I never really missed going out, being social, we were content with each others company. We talked together, laughed together, just happy to be together. Now there is just me, feeling sorry for myself. Loneliness is an awful thing and you don't need to be alone to be lonely.

With summer sitting on the horizon, I wonder how that will go. I have few days left for work. Summer vacation begins on the 17th of June. I do have a few projects waiting. Painting Rachel's room, painting my room, cleaning out the basement. Not enough to fill a summer off.

I often wonder is this how Dad felt when my mother died? That the world was whirling past you and you were standing still. That everyone else went back to their old lives, yes a small part was missing, but over all their life remained unchanged. Your life, however, is missing, it is nowhere to be found. The outer shell is there but your inner self is gone forever. Your soul left with his, will it ever come back to you?

My father once said it takes a full year to get over a death. I have doubts about that. Has Ruth ever really gotten over Lee's death, BJ and Saul over the loss of Ryan? Did Grandma Julia ever get over Grandpa's death or Dad get over Ma's.

 Time they say is the answer, the passing of time. What happens when, for you, time stands still.

Saturday, May 28, 2011


This is the first year since Rachel was at Elm Street in the 4th grade, and started band, we wont be going to the parade. Instead we are going to the service at the Veteran's Cemetery where Gee is buried. Tomorrow or Sunday I will bring some flowers for around his stone. The flags are already in place, very impressive.

It really is a beautiful place, always someone working, keeping it looking great. I was there on Thursday, a man was trimming the grass around the stones. When I pulled up and started walking to Gee's stone this man stopped working, so it would be quiet, I told him to keep working, he wasn't bothering me at all. The pride these men who work at the cemetary have in their work shows everywhere you look.

Cancer Walk

 I am collecting money for the cancer walk at MWCC, June 10-11. I have told the teacher who is the captain of the GMS team I will raise money and I want to walk but I am not sure I will be able to. Not to worry she says, they have so many teachers that sign up I shouldn't beat myself up if I don't/can't come.  She did say I may want to wait until Saturday....Friday night is such an emotional night, the ceremonies, survivor walk, all that stuff. So we'll see if I can bring myself to go.

 Feel free to send me a check to help fight cancer...or just give something to the American Cancer Society, so many people will be grateful. Gee and I recieved such great care, free perscriptions for drugs not covered by our insurance, $1400 a month for just the shots he needed, and so much more. If not a cure then maybe newer and better treatments will be discovered.

My hope is that no one else need go through all that Gee did. He never complained. He never said "why me" or anything even close. He faced cancer like he faced everything else in his life, head on, no excuses and no complaints.

Sunday, May 22, 2011


I was just sitting here thinking of Gee. He was so torn when Rachel chose Westfield as her college. He wanted her to go to Fitchburg, so she could live at home. Always so protective of her...didn't like the thought of her being away.

He would be so very proud of her right now....she just got her grades,made the Dean's list again the second semester, all A's she has a GPA of 3.9. She earned every grade, works so hard at her classes. I wish he could see how great she is, how  grown up she has become. When did  that happen. I just brought her home from the hospital. I cried the first time she rolled over, knowing how quckly all the rest would follow.

She will be volunteering at the nursing home up the street this summer. She will be working with both the elderly and hospice patients. She knows she wants to work with one or the other this will help her decied which will be her focus in the social work program. She's going to make a differance in her little corner of the world.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Random Crap

Rachel is home for the summer! Goodness knows I miss her when she is at school. What will I ever do when she moves out?? I used to laugh at the "empty nester" christ it sure isn't funny any more. I don't think my "waistline" can handle my boredom. Seems all I do is eat, but I never cook when she isn't here. Dove Ice Cream Bars are nutritious, right?? She will be volunteering at a nursing home for the summer. Her focus in social work is elderly or hospice, this place has both, just wish she was getting paid but experience is worth millions.

Fred (knock on wood) hasn't peed in the house for 3 for now he has more freedom at night and while I'm at work. I still block off the living room and dining room, but he can sleep upstairs during the day. He is getting a bit more protective of me. The paperboy and the mailman are the enemy...and the oil man well he brings cookies so he's tolerated.

First week of MCAS testing is over. Next week is Science/Technology. I have a student that I have to read and scribe for, do you think this should tell the state something....if he can't read it or write his own answers how is he expected to pass it. I actually thought he was going to get a math question right area of a triangle..A=1/2bh... he had a formula paper to reference....he looked at the paper and said hmmm thought about it and said 1*2*5*4=40ft sq. Well I hope he gets credit for the correct label. He doesn't have science, he has reading instead, but is still expected to take the test by the state, make sense to me....

I went out for a few drinks with some of the people from work yesterday. It is getting easier to go places socially, not that I'm very social. It was fun. I always pick up Lynda for these little outings. She would never drink and drive and I don't partake so it works. Bob her husband, MA State Police ret., is thankful he doesn't have to do it anymore...

Only 28 more days with students. I can not wait for this school year to be over. Way to much turmoil going on. Seems every time I walk into the office I here "Oh Mrs G..." and in some way my life at school has just changed again...not likin it at all.....

Had the roof fixed...3 slates replaced. Now I have to contact Justin to see if he wants to do the porch roof, I don't know if he does roofing, but if he does I'd like to give him the opportunity. Rachel wants to paint her room, Clayton's room need "something" done to it and mine well I still have paper peeling from the ice storm we had 2 years ago....Laureen is more than willing to help as always.

Next on the list, school.......

Monday, May 9, 2011


Five Months.....has it really been that long? Doesn't seem like it. I guess I am coping now better than I did last month. I miss Gee everyday, so much my heart aches for him. Everyday something happens that I wish I could tell him. To talk to him again, just talk, nothing special what I wouldn't give.Or to hear that laugh that was so much a part of him, so loud so genuine.

 I don't wake up at night thinking I hear him call any more however, he is always with me, I say "as Gee would say" so often you would think he was standing having the conversation with us. I don't wait until I'm falling asleep to go to bed and I don't avoid going out thinking someone will ask about Gee, or tell me how sorry they are...I guess that is a step forward.

Summer vacation is coming. I don't know how things will go staying home and having all that time with nothing to do. I haven't found a part time job yet. I also need to go to the college to see what kind of funding I am eligible for. I had planned on going on in school after receiving my Associates Degree, then Gee got sick. I don't really know why I stopped when I did, he was still pretty independent.. Maybe I somehow knew how soon he would leave me and I didn't want to be away from home that much...who knows.

I have a student I work one to one with everyday. Science is a major issue for him, I have written of him before. I was trying to explain the difference between heart attack and heart failure. He tests 2nd grade so things need to be simple, and suddenly I could not say another word. I knew if I did I would break down. This has never happened at school before. Never have any of the kids seen me that close to falling apart. I know he felt very uncomfortable. All he said was we can do something else Mrs G. it's ok.

So are things better or just different. I guess I'd have to say both. Like all things I am evolving into a phase what it will bring, I don't know, guess I'll have to wait and see.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

music and memories

Music is a powerful thing. It brings emotions to the surface that have been hidden for longer than I care to remember. Oldies, blues, country, folk, show tunes and sound tracks, I love them all.

I find that certain songs elicit particular emotions. John Denver always touched my heart, now he brings tears.....Annie's Song ........I always think of Gee and all the things I wish I had said and all the things I'm sorry I did. His song  Mathew always brings thoughts of my father, wonder if he had a childhood anything like that song. 

The radio station I always listen to is an oldies station, wror, 60's,70's, and 80's, junior high, high school and a bit beyond. Not all memories of my teen years are happy ones, god I hated high school. I work with the wife of someone I went to high school with. Mike goes to all the reunions, our 35th is coming up. He asks will I be going, ah no, I didn't like you people when I had to be around you why would I pay to spend an evening with you....well Mike was okay, but most of the others, no. The only thing worth anything at all that came out of the 70's was Gee, met him when I was 18 and thank God everyday for bringing him to me. Scares me to death to think where I'd be if he hadn't come to save me.

I found a CD Gee listened to all the time, homemade mix of the Blues. Johnnie Taylor, Members of his favorites, and Tina of coarse. Did he love Tina Turner! I wanted to get him tickets a few years ago, she was going to be at Great Woods. I made the mistake of asking him if he'd like them. HELL NO he said as soon as he heard how much...never spent a dime on himself.....I so wish I had just bought them.

Music and memories............

Monday, May 2, 2011

Today I Got A Letter

Today I got a letter....."The United States of America honor the memory of Esper Gullatt This certificute is awarded by a grateful nation in recognition of devoted and selfless consecration to the service of our country in the Armed Forces of the United States" it is signed by Barak Obama.

I don't know what I think of this letter....I wonder if it would have meant more had it been sent to Gee before he died rather than after. 

A melecholy night of memories.....

Thursday, April 28, 2011


It may be just me however, when you have a kid who should be in a life skills class, tests 2nd grade level, sending him to  8th grade science just might not be the best idea. One of my students had a major meltdown in science today, yelling stomping, slaming doors...the whole nine yards as Gee would say. His frustration level was through the roof and the tutor just kept on pushing his buttons and when he asked to leave the class she told him no. That was enough, major eruption.

He was frustrated because he can't read well enough to work on his own. He asks for help he gets I'm not doing it for you, you have to try. Well how can I try if I can't read the words....round and round they go. Yes I am condencing the whole story, it has been going on for months. She doesn't want to work with him, he doesn't want to work with her....she says he's rude, he says she doesn't listen..... Really why are you arguing with a 13 year old?? Getting angry, loud, or loosing your cool in any fashion just feeds the beast. How are you to maintain control of a situation when you don't maintain control of yourself??

 I don't want to sound like it was all the tutors fault, it wasn't, but she continues to ask how best to deal with him because she doesn't "do" behaviors, whatever that's supposed to mean. I have told her more than a few times if he asks to be left alone just leave him, I will take care of any work he needs to do during accademic support. That is like a study but with more instruction. She doesn't listen, continues to push. What she wants is for me to take her spot in the science class. First it isn't up to me, second I have three 7th grade boys that are very close to failing the year during that block and third you need to do your job...

I feel I am ranting. I am frustrated too! I know "they" are the ones with the degrees, but I'm the one who works with these kids they call behaviors. I'm the one they come to when they are frustrated and are trying to hold it together. I'm the one who hears and sees how they are treated by some of the staff. Yes they can be rude and just plain pains in the ass. They are also just kids who's issues sometimes get in the way. How are we to help them learn to control their issues when those who are there to help can't control their own?? I don't want to sound like I think I have all the answers, I know I don't. Some one has to have some common sense in that place...

Ok I'll get off the soap box..........until next time!

Monday, April 25, 2011


Well Easter went better than expected. I can't say it was easy, the demon tried to raise its ugly head, but Jack kept him at bay. Gee would get such a kick out of "Scooter", his name for him, he is such a little spit fire. Took him about 2 seconds to figure out the egg hunt, had no fear riding in the jeep with Patricks boys, and came to me to pick him up!! Not that he never comes but if Katie is close he wants his Mama, as it should be.

I go back to work for the final push of the year...8 more weeks. Two of which are MCAS testing. I hope things settle into some kind of a routine for me. I just think things at the school are so disconnected. Like the old saying the right hand doesn't let the left hand know what it's doing.

 Rachel will be home in 2 weeks for the summer. She has an internship at the Nursing Home down the street. A friend runs the place, so I called for a favor. Sue had talked with the social workers before calling me back, they are thrilled to have her come in. She meets with her next weekend. What will be great for her they have hospice patients also. She is leaning towards hospice or the elderly. From what her teachers tell her there is a great need in both those areas.  It would be wonderful if it was paid, but it will pay off in the long run. She is taking an on line class over the summer and looking for a paid job. Don't want her to spread herself to thin, but I have to let it be her choices.

The bank has decided to take a chance on me, I have been approved for my refinancing. That takes a huge weight off my shoulders. We close on the 5th of May. I really don't know what I feel about it all. I guess it's the anticipation, who knows. Anyway the day has a high note after all!!!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The Demon Waits

April 18th marked 4 months that Gee has been gone. When I stay busy things go well. Days like today, drab and rainy, brings sadness. I have asked a woman I work with who lost her husband a few years ago, how long it took her......she says she's still waiting. It never leaves she says, it hides in the shadows waiting to emerge from the darkness like a demon. Always unexpected when it happens. She can be watching her grandchildren playing and she thinks Danny would love this and out jumps the demon bringing sadness where there once was joy.

I am planning to go to my sisters for Easter. Rachel, Clayton, Katie and Jack will go also. It will be the first family thing I attend since Gee died. I don't really want to go, the "demon" will raise his ugly head I am sure. This will tell me if like Ruth, do I avoid  these types of gatherings all together whenever possible.

My brother is coming in July. I long to see my brother Bruce. I know I will dissolve into tears as I did when I saw Neil that first protectors when I was little.  I know this because the thought of it brings tears now as I write. What is it that I hope this homecoming will bring, I don't know. All I know is he is a kind and gentle man who always seems to know what to say, how to help.

For now the demon and I will continue to put one foot in front of the other everyday. To just keep going forward. I wonder if my writing helps or hurts? Gee always said if left alone to retreat into the dark places in ones mind hurtful memories dull their painful edge over time.They sleep not wanting to be disturbed. Do I keep sharpining the pain by writting, waking that sleeping pain? Goodness knows he had seen and done things in his life he did not want to remember. Not that I don't want to remember,I do. Right now my life is my memories. I would just like the demon to sleep more and not sit on my shoulder all day, everyday.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Joys of Homeownership and Other Things

Well this morning I was not very happy....I have a leak in the roof. I called a few places, all of three do slate, and a guy came out this morning. Gave me an estimate, I have about 6 slate that need to be replaced. Quick job about 4 hours of work. I can't tell you how relieved I am....all I could see was dollar signs flying our the window.

Freddie......he has been having tummy issues again. Eating grass, drinking alot of water and vomiting. We have gone back to the boiled beef/chicken and rice diet. I may just keep him on this all the time...he is almost 10 and handles it very well. He is still sleeping in the kitchen. I don't know what to do to help him get over the separation anxiety. He does ok when I'm at work, it's every other time he's left alone that he pees everywhere.

Rachel was inducted into Lambda Sigma on Sunday. I can't tell you how proud I am of her. She works so hard at everything she does. She has managed to over come her learning disability, by using strategies she learned in school, or asking for help. Spell check only catches so much. She is so level headed. When asked about her and Steve, where it's going she tells everyone the same thing....We both have way to much stuff to do before we get to that  place....yeah I'm relieved....I love Steve,  but they both have another 4 years of school.

I haven't seen Clayton, Katie and Jack as much as I would like. I did babysit last weekend but I would like to see him more. Everything is no right now, come here you like a he heads into the kitchen...Clayton hit a 2x4 traviling down the highway last week, tore up his front end and two tires. Thank goodness he's alright, it could have been alot worse...

It is April vacation, and I am planning a trip to Fitchburg State this week to see what kind of money I am elligable for. I know taking one or two classes a sismester will take a long time, but I'm not going anywhere that's for sure. Not like I'm retireing in the next couple of years....

Saturday, April 16, 2011

April Vacation

It is finally here!! It has seemed like forever to get here, and I had time off in March. I can imagine how the rest of the staff feels.

 I have ranted in the past of my new/old job. I find it ridiculous that one person can disrupt the lives of so many. I know the Dean means well. I actually like her, worked with her quite a bit last year as a teacher. She doesn't seem to think things through very well. How can she justify juggling the para's around with no rhyme or reason. Pull me out of classes where I work with 10 kids to babysit one who refuses to do anything, to pull another from a class where she is working with 10 kids to cover the ones I was with. I have students coming in 3 times a day....3 hours with something to do....and I have 3 hours with nothing to do because I have been replaced in those classes. Just in case they send someone up for their behavior, but it isn't in house suspension, ok right. I had suggested for the three hours I have nothing to do why don't I follow my old schedule. Her answer, we need to know where you are.......ok you have my old schedule, you gave it to me, you know where I am......good grief.....

So today I have two 6th grade boys walk in my room. Mrs D sent them. Ok why, they don't know, they weren't doing anything, (they refused to do a social studies was stupid)...... I'm sure, no one ever does anything, N you sit there, T you sit talking, no getting out of you seat, silence....anything else detention.......what are we supposed to do ,,,wait....we have nothing to do....not my problem......did Mrs D forget us?,,,,,,been known to happen......can you call need to go to science....not untill I talk to Mrs D....but I have a project to do.....should have thought of that before...........this is messed up.........we have lunch in 30 minutes.....maybe.... if Mrs D says you can go.....can you call her is stupid, this is messed up........stop talking....but this is stupid......You guys don't get it, this is not a fun place, this is where you come when you can't behave, you make poor choices, there is no talking, no walking around, nothing......there is waiting and then more do we get do what is expected of you ......then can we do we do when we are finished?......wait for Mrs D to let you out.....this is stupid......can you call

Yes Mrs D did come up and let them go to lunch with the rest of the 6th grade, and yes this is how I spent an hour of my day because two 6th grade boys thought they would be billy bad asses(Gee's words) and not do what was asked of them. For this I went to college......

June 19th can't come fast enough......last day of school for students!!


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Baby Girl

Just had a phone call from Gee's niece Elaine, his sister Baby Girl, Rosella, has been very sick and in the hospital for more than 2 weeks. She had pneumonia, was dehydrated and was in real trouble when they finally got her to agree to go to the ER. She is now in a rehab center getting PT and having her heart monitored.

Baby Girl is the oldest girl, became the "mother"when their mother died. I think Gee and his twin sister Dee were 5 when she died. She came from Cleveland when Gee first got home from The Highlands. She was once again "playing mother" to him. She brought with her all kinds of stuff, food, oils, creams, and prayers. She got him to do alot more than anyone else could do. Got him out of bed, made him come to the kitchen in his wheelchair and other things. Gee said it was easier to just do what Baby Girl wanted than to listen to her if you didn't. Something he learned as a child. 

Having talked to Elaine I find it isn't just her family she cares for, its everyone. At almost 90 she still makes care visits to all the sick "brothers and sisters" of her church. Drives them to doctors appointments, traviling to church revivals and family reunions. She is a God fearing woman, living her life as she feels God wants her to, in his service bringing with her a quiet belief that she is doing Gods work on Earth.

When the time does come for her to leave her" family", I am sure  she will be welcomed with opened arms. There is not a harder worker in God service than this gentle woman who believes she is the "mother" of all.