Jack and Grandma

I have had Jack all week, I must say I am exhausted! How can so much energy be inside such a little person! Clayton and Jack came home from Tennessee last Sunday. Katie stayed another week, her Uncle has been in the hospital, things are not looking very good.

Anyway being summer Jack only goes to day care once a week so he hung out with me and Aunt Rachel. With all the toys he has around him what does he play with here at Grammy's, plastic containers, and a spatula. We took him to Davis Farmland in Sterling. He just loves this place. All kinds of farm animals, goats,, sheep, cows, llamas, rabbits and chickens. There is also what they call a splash park. It is all fenced in so the kids can walk around and they have what is called a closed exit. To exit you must show the wrist band that matches with the kid you are with, very kid safe. Rachel wasn't thrilled, never did like petting zoo's," just not sanitary."

Jack will be so happy to see Mama today. He was such a good boy, but Grammy isn't Mama.

When I look at him all I can think of is how Gee loved this little guy. Couldn't wait to see him, hold him and talk with him. He's a firecracker that's for sure.

HOME SAFE

Derek has returned home safe and sound having spent the last year in Afghanistan. Derek is my "adopted son", Clayton's life long friend,Rachel's other brother, Laureen and David's son.  Our prayers have been answered for him. Now we pray for all the soldiers away from home in harms way.

WELCOME HOME....DEREK

Seven

How can it be seven months that has passed? Yesterday, last week maybe, but seven months. It often feels like he is away on one of his many trips to Texas, Cleveland or off calling a game. Still after all this time it doesn't seem real sometimes. Is this how it will be from now on? A sort of limbo between two worlds of reality. That sounds a bit strange, however I don't seem to be able to find the words to convey my meaning. Yes I know he is dead, I just don't feel like he's dead sometimes.

I went to the cemetery today, brought him white roses. It's a very plain, calming place, I go about once a month. Gee wouldn't like me to go any more often, he was that kind of guy. As always the grounds were as neat as a pin, the guys were mowing the empty areas.

Most of my posts are of sadness and loss. I wish there was more happiness. It isn't that my days are full of self pity and loneliness. There is plenty of that, however it really isn't all consuming. I'm not sitting in the dark, hiding from the world. I just can't seem to find enough happy things to write about. I have decided to try to find more happiness around me. I need to do this, Gee would want me to be happier. I am sure of that. Now I just have to figure out how to do it.

Sadness

Lost in sadness today. Nothing has happened, I just feel sad. Missing Gee so very much, a day doesn't pass that I don't cry, is it for him or me I don't know. I seem to be having a harder time these passed weeks. I still have piles of crap I need to go through of Gee's. Things I need to get rid of, donate or dump, that sit on the table in the dining room. Just can't seem to do it. I have sweaters in the hope chest that were Gee's made by my mother, what do I do with these. Clayton doesn't want them. Now there are two issues, they were Gee's and made by my mother, can't just throw them out, well I can't.

It's the same story for so many things around here. Something was Gee's, his music, his movies, his "stuff" in the basement. Holding on to things because I can't hold on to him. Why would I hang on to old work boots and raggy old coats. They are still where he left them.

 I haven't been sleeping very well, or I have strange dreams. I don't usually remember dreams. These are so very strange, not frightening really, just disturbing. I wake often and then don't get back to sleep for hours. Lying in bed tears falling, wondering how I possibly make it all work.......

Field Trip

Summers growing up in my family was pretty predictable, a trip to Hampton Beach, Benson's Wild Animal Farm, and ice cream at Kimbell Farm. We would also visit a museum or a historical site. My father was what some people would call a history nut. It was a tradition in the family.

I have tried to carry this tradition with my own children. Clayton would go anywhere as long as it included food at some point. He enjoyed going to the places he could touch things. Higgins Armour Museum in Worcester was a favorite place. Rachel has lists of places she wants to go, from Washington DC to the Tower of London. For her 13th birthday, Ann and I took her and 3 friends to Boston. Where did she choose to go.... The Museum of Fine Arts of course.

This year Rachel and I visited the Mark Twain House in Hartford CT with Bruce and Jo. What a neat place. First we watched a short film about his life, which I found very interesting and then off to tour the house. While most of the house is restored and furnished with period pieces there are still a few areas not open to the public yet. There is also a small art gallery with paintings used for illustrations in special editions of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn by Norman Rockwell, one of Rachel's favorite artists.

We are headed next? A trip to see Mr. Rogers sweater isn't out of the question. I hear Washington is lovely in the fall.

I lost a friend

A friend of mine passed away on June 30th. Geraldine Woodcome was an elderly lady, 89, who had been friends of my parents for years and years. After my dad died I wrote to tell her of his death, I couldn't find her telephone number. She wrote back and we started this friendship through letters. She was a nice lady, who outlived two husbands and a daughter. She would go to Florida in the winter and  once just stayed there for a few years. Until the day I got a phone call, "Guess what I did," she says. She was moving back to Fitchburg, to the Sun Dial, the elderly high rise. We continued to write, talk on the phone and have lunch a few times a year. With her passing brings to a close my connection to my parents generation ....all those who knew my parents way back when are gone now.

The aunts and uncles are gone, the classmates, the life long friends. All the people who could tell the stories of their youth have gone. It is very sad. I will miss her. May she rest in peace.