Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Day Off

Taking the day off. I just needed a mental health day. This year has just one big cluster _____ (insert whatever word you feel fits). I am getting another new schedule, I will be pulled from the ELA class I have with F. Seems the teachers who are in there feel more comfortable about dealing with his issues. That's the good news, the bad.... they are planning on putting me in another class full of kids who run wild....not feeling it right now.

I have PLENTY to keep me busy today. I have laundry to do, the windows are awful and the curtains are full of cat hair from Buster sitting in the open window all the time. All these things that I always found time for when Gee was here that I just never seem to get to. I might even clean off the kitchen table. It has just become a catch all for papers, calculators, watches all that crap stuff that never seems to get put away. Looking around the kitchen right now I realize I have pockets of clutter....the dog cage, the high chair, the hutch...crap everywhere. Most of the time I don't see it, or don't want to see it.

I haven't been sleeping again, disturbing dreams. Not really scary dreams, just strange ones. I wake up about 2am and can't go back to sleep for hours then it's time to get up for work. Last weekend a friend woke me up it was 11am, I had gotten up to put the dog out early and went to back to bed, then took a nap for 3 hours, Freddie woke me up at 5, then was in bed by 9... what all this is about I don't know. I know I'm ready for it to stop!!

Rachel is coming home Friday, we'll go to Deerfield Fair on Saturday, Friday night she is going to the high school football game, to visit band kids, and Sunday she has Steve's brother Mikes birthday party. So like always I don't see much of her but can't wait for her to come home.

Saturday, September 24, 2011


I have always just loved Halloween, costumes, movies, carving pumpkins, the excitement of the kids, just everything. I have almost more decorations for Halloween than for Christmas. Last year I didn't decorate much, just a few things for Jack. Gee was at the Highlands, just wasn't up to it.

Not really up for it this year either. Just seems like it's such a chore to do anything. Getting the regular stuff done takes to much energy. I'm lucky I get the laundry done. Even then sometimes, most times I have to rewash something because I left a batch of clothes in the washer. None of it means anything to me.

I thought it was supposed to get better with time.... nothing changes really. Missing him as much now as I did in December. Each time I post I want write something happy....and then this overwhelming sadness takes over. Maybe it's because when I write so many memories flood over me. I saw gizzards in the grocery store and I hear him say "fry em hard Rob, where's the hot sauce" Everywhere I go everything I do there is the memory of Gee. I only wish they would bring a smile instead of a tear.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Sanity Returns

A few days have past and I have regained my sanity! The situation at school hasn't gotten any better, just funnier. Three times today I either walked into a room with someone already covering or I was in a class and in walks someone else. Seems Teddy, a para from the 6th grade, had no idea where she was supposed to be, she was double booked, so to speak, all day. If she didn't cross with me she was crossing with Lynda.

I really hate the thought that people at work saw me in such a vulnerable crazy state.... good grief thankfully it was only Kim and Liz, not in a class or something. I can hear it now....MRS GEE NUTTED UP TODAY..... well it didn't happen so no worries.

Friday is Game Night.... these women are so much fun.... they have known each other for years, so sometimes I have to ask what are they talking about but we sure laugh, sometimes that is more healing than anything else.

Monday, September 19, 2011

melt down

melt down.....not one of my kids, me......going over my new, new schedule today I told the Dean I'm done .... I'm done, this is the one place that I'm not supposed to have to think about what I'm doing, I should know what I'm doing and I don't..... and then I started crying...... I never bring those feelings to school.....they are to stay at home waiting to be revisited....not to be reveled to others.... no one knew Gee's birthday was yesterday, I don't talk of Gee to anyone, oh the Gee would say or Gee did, sure but never ever how I feel about him or anything even close....I can't....I feel if I ever did I could not stop and I would be lost forever.....  how can you tell someone that you have lost your soul....that you are empty inside, there is nothing left of you because you gave it all to one who is gone...and they took it with them....maybe he needed it for the strength to leave ...... no one really wants to know these things....they want to hear you lie and say all is well.....

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


I never thought I would say it, I hate my job this year! It is only the 13th of September and my schedule has changed 10 times if it changed once. I was told today, in a very condescending way, my student, A, who has not been out in the student body for two years, doesn't have a one to one accommodation in his IEP, he'll be fine in two classes alone. So I have been pulled to go to the 7th grade floor to follow a kid, F, who also doesn't have  a one to one accommodation, but has been out in regular classes, I guess he is more important....

I sound bitter, well I am. I am good at my job, I know my kids, and to be told in such a way that I don't know what I'm talking about has just about crushed me. This from someone who has repeatedly told me I should go back to school because I am so good at what I do.Yes I am "just" a paraprofessional, I do not have a 4 year degree, I have a 2 year degree in Human Services and something that is obviously lacking in the administration, I have common sense. My common sense tells me A will crash and burn with out  support. He will spend his 8th grade year as he did his 6th and 7th, in a room with no contact with the other students and they will wonder why his social skills do not improve.

A is not the only kids I work with, in his two classes of 25 students there are 6 other kids, that's 7 out of 25, that's 28% of the class is on an IEP, but it makes sense to "them" to move me for one kid...oh yeah I didn't tell you THERE ARE TWO TEACHERS IN THAT ELA CLASS ALREADY!!!!

I am sick over this. In all my years working in Project Support I have never never felt like quiting, bitching yes but never quiting.  I guess I'll have to buy my first lottery ticket, never felt the need, my only question, which one and what do you do with them once you buy it?

Monday, September 12, 2011

Kindness of Others

Dave Duncan lives behind me. From the day we moved in he and Gee hit it off. Helping each other with projects around the house. Gee helping Dave dig drainage ditches, Dave helping Gee hang doors. Whatever needed doing they always knew they had another set of hands to make the work go faster.

When Gee got to ill to do the yard work, Dave started taking care of it all. From mowing to fertilizing he had it covered. Telling me not to worry just take care of Gee and myself. Dave took Gee's final illness as hard as anyone. Always a welcomed visitor, each time he stopped he left visibly shaken to see how rapidly Gee was failing, careful not to let Gee see how hard it was to see him so vulnerable.

Saturday when I got home from the grocery store he had mowed the front  and was working on the back. When I went out back to thank him he said what he always says..... Gee would do it for me...... he is so right Gee would

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Gee's Birthday

  Gee was born in Georgia.His grandfather was born a slave, Gee was born September 18, 1934, his father was a share cropper, his mother a wife with 7 children at the time, 8 by the time she died less than 5 years later. Bonnie and Clyde were alive and well, John Dillinger was killed and Alcatraz opened for business. He would tell stories of his childhood that were so foreign to me. Picking cotton with his twin sister knowing they couldn't pick fast enough for his aunt, who would beat them if they didn't fill the bag as fast as she. Eating fried salt pork and corn bread for dinner because there wasn't anything else. Of going to Cleveland and being even hungrier than in Georgia, at least there you could run down a rabbit on occasion. Leaving home at 13 never to go back, until his brother James died 30 years later. Even then if not for Babygirl he wouldn't have gone back. While at the funeral his father says to him, "I know you don't I??

Babygirl has said Gee was very protective of us when he was in Cleveland. Not liking many questions ....the usual, why a white girl, why one so young.....Babygirl said  he would always say what do I want with some one as old as me, I need someone to take care of me in my old age....he was joking at the time, little did he know. He didn't like people in "his business" was very private. Not many ever really knew what he was thinking, how he felt about things. Oh he would argue over almost anything, but not much of himself would shine through. He learned very early, friends were the ones who hurt you.... what happened to make him that way I have no idea.

Gee had many sayings. Impossible only takes a little longer,..... it's your friends that will hurt ya....., believe half of what you see, none of what you hear......... if it wasn't  for bad luck I'd have no luck at all..... Rachel has said she wants a tattoo in memory of her Dad... Impossible only takes a little longer...he said that to her often....and she believes it.

I can't believe so much time has passed..... it still seems it was only yesterday, not 35 years, that I met him. I was hooked that's for sure. He collected people, the ones that stayed stayed forever. We had friends he was in Germany with, people he called sports with, old army buddies, people who played sports, the list is endless. We had a good ride, so to speak. I would do it again, in a minute, even knowing he would leave me alone so soon. All the tears, the heart ache, and the loneliness was all  worth it.


Saturday, September 3, 2011

school begins

After 5 days with students I have already had to sub for my teacher 2 days, Thursday and Friday. She gets headaches... My schedule still isn't right, I still have two classes a day that I have to "find" something to do. Most days I go to 7th grade science, Kristina graduated with Clayton, very funny and engaging teacher.

Rachel moves in on Monday, she can't wait. Missing her classes and her friends. She will come back for her birthday and get her car.  Where does the time go, 20 years old this year.

As for me nothing changes. I haven't been sleeping well. Very strange dreams, sad dreams. Most I don't remember except I am very sad when I awake. I miss Gee as much now as the day he died. I function through the day, I go to work, cook, do laundry all those things that need doing, but when I am alone and all is quiet the pain of his not being here returns. His birthday is coming up soon, September 18 th., what will the day bring, sadness and tears I imagine.