Monday, May 30, 2011


A half a year, 180 days, 4320 hours.............yesterday.

I put one foot in front of the other everyday because that is what I am supposed to do.I do the dishes, the laundry, I go to work because that is what I am supposed to do. I walk the dog, feed the cat, mow the lawn because that is what I'm supposed to do. What I want to do if I had my way, loose myself in sleep, the one place it doesn't hurt. There is only blackness.

I am beginning to feel that I should call my doctor. I continue to have days of sadness. I thought they were getting less frequent, but no if anything they are coming with more regularity. I can't talk about how I feel, I dissolve into tears with just the thought of it. What could I say, that I miss him terribly, that I feel I have no purpose, no direction. Nothing seems to make me feel better. I go out with people from work and all seems well until I get home. The cloud follows me, I can't seem to get past it.

I want to feel more like myself again. I used to be very happy with my life. We didn't have alot, but we had enough and we had each other. I never really missed going out, being social, we were content with each others company. We talked together, laughed together, just happy to be together. Now there is just me, feeling sorry for myself. Loneliness is an awful thing and you don't need to be alone to be lonely.

With summer sitting on the horizon, I wonder how that will go. I have few days left for work. Summer vacation begins on the 17th of June. I do have a few projects waiting. Painting Rachel's room, painting my room, cleaning out the basement. Not enough to fill a summer off.

I often wonder is this how Dad felt when my mother died? That the world was whirling past you and you were standing still. That everyone else went back to their old lives, yes a small part was missing, but over all their life remained unchanged. Your life, however, is missing, it is nowhere to be found. The outer shell is there but your inner self is gone forever. Your soul left with his, will it ever come back to you?

My father once said it takes a full year to get over a death. I have doubts about that. Has Ruth ever really gotten over Lee's death, BJ and Saul over the loss of Ryan? Did Grandma Julia ever get over Grandpa's death or Dad get over Ma's.

 Time they say is the answer, the passing of time. What happens when, for you, time stands still.

Saturday, May 28, 2011


This is the first year since Rachel was at Elm Street in the 4th grade, and started band, we wont be going to the parade. Instead we are going to the service at the Veteran's Cemetery where Gee is buried. Tomorrow or Sunday I will bring some flowers for around his stone. The flags are already in place, very impressive.

It really is a beautiful place, always someone working, keeping it looking great. I was there on Thursday, a man was trimming the grass around the stones. When I pulled up and started walking to Gee's stone this man stopped working, so it would be quiet, I told him to keep working, he wasn't bothering me at all. The pride these men who work at the cemetary have in their work shows everywhere you look.

Cancer Walk

 I am collecting money for the cancer walk at MWCC, June 10-11. I have told the teacher who is the captain of the GMS team I will raise money and I want to walk but I am not sure I will be able to. Not to worry she says, they have so many teachers that sign up I shouldn't beat myself up if I don't/can't come.  She did say I may want to wait until Saturday....Friday night is such an emotional night, the ceremonies, survivor walk, all that stuff. So we'll see if I can bring myself to go.

 Feel free to send me a check to help fight cancer...or just give something to the American Cancer Society, so many people will be grateful. Gee and I recieved such great care, free perscriptions for drugs not covered by our insurance, $1400 a month for just the shots he needed, and so much more. If not a cure then maybe newer and better treatments will be discovered.

My hope is that no one else need go through all that Gee did. He never complained. He never said "why me" or anything even close. He faced cancer like he faced everything else in his life, head on, no excuses and no complaints.

Sunday, May 22, 2011


I was just sitting here thinking of Gee. He was so torn when Rachel chose Westfield as her college. He wanted her to go to Fitchburg, so she could live at home. Always so protective of her...didn't like the thought of her being away.

He would be so very proud of her right now....she just got her grades,made the Dean's list again the second semester, all A's she has a GPA of 3.9. She earned every grade, works so hard at her classes. I wish he could see how great she is, how  grown up she has become. When did  that happen. I just brought her home from the hospital. I cried the first time she rolled over, knowing how quckly all the rest would follow.

She will be volunteering at the nursing home up the street this summer. She will be working with both the elderly and hospice patients. She knows she wants to work with one or the other this will help her decied which will be her focus in the social work program. She's going to make a differance in her little corner of the world.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Random Crap

Rachel is home for the summer! Goodness knows I miss her when she is at school. What will I ever do when she moves out?? I used to laugh at the "empty nester" christ it sure isn't funny any more. I don't think my "waistline" can handle my boredom. Seems all I do is eat, but I never cook when she isn't here. Dove Ice Cream Bars are nutritious, right?? She will be volunteering at a nursing home for the summer. Her focus in social work is elderly or hospice, this place has both, just wish she was getting paid but experience is worth millions.

Fred (knock on wood) hasn't peed in the house for 3 for now he has more freedom at night and while I'm at work. I still block off the living room and dining room, but he can sleep upstairs during the day. He is getting a bit more protective of me. The paperboy and the mailman are the enemy...and the oil man well he brings cookies so he's tolerated.

First week of MCAS testing is over. Next week is Science/Technology. I have a student that I have to read and scribe for, do you think this should tell the state something....if he can't read it or write his own answers how is he expected to pass it. I actually thought he was going to get a math question right area of a triangle..A=1/2bh... he had a formula paper to reference....he looked at the paper and said hmmm thought about it and said 1*2*5*4=40ft sq. Well I hope he gets credit for the correct label. He doesn't have science, he has reading instead, but is still expected to take the test by the state, make sense to me....

I went out for a few drinks with some of the people from work yesterday. It is getting easier to go places socially, not that I'm very social. It was fun. I always pick up Lynda for these little outings. She would never drink and drive and I don't partake so it works. Bob her husband, MA State Police ret., is thankful he doesn't have to do it anymore...

Only 28 more days with students. I can not wait for this school year to be over. Way to much turmoil going on. Seems every time I walk into the office I here "Oh Mrs G..." and in some way my life at school has just changed again...not likin it at all.....

Had the roof fixed...3 slates replaced. Now I have to contact Justin to see if he wants to do the porch roof, I don't know if he does roofing, but if he does I'd like to give him the opportunity. Rachel wants to paint her room, Clayton's room need "something" done to it and mine well I still have paper peeling from the ice storm we had 2 years ago....Laureen is more than willing to help as always.

Next on the list, school.......

Monday, May 9, 2011


Five Months.....has it really been that long? Doesn't seem like it. I guess I am coping now better than I did last month. I miss Gee everyday, so much my heart aches for him. Everyday something happens that I wish I could tell him. To talk to him again, just talk, nothing special what I wouldn't give.Or to hear that laugh that was so much a part of him, so loud so genuine.

 I don't wake up at night thinking I hear him call any more however, he is always with me, I say "as Gee would say" so often you would think he was standing having the conversation with us. I don't wait until I'm falling asleep to go to bed and I don't avoid going out thinking someone will ask about Gee, or tell me how sorry they are...I guess that is a step forward.

Summer vacation is coming. I don't know how things will go staying home and having all that time with nothing to do. I haven't found a part time job yet. I also need to go to the college to see what kind of funding I am eligible for. I had planned on going on in school after receiving my Associates Degree, then Gee got sick. I don't really know why I stopped when I did, he was still pretty independent.. Maybe I somehow knew how soon he would leave me and I didn't want to be away from home that much...who knows.

I have a student I work one to one with everyday. Science is a major issue for him, I have written of him before. I was trying to explain the difference between heart attack and heart failure. He tests 2nd grade so things need to be simple, and suddenly I could not say another word. I knew if I did I would break down. This has never happened at school before. Never have any of the kids seen me that close to falling apart. I know he felt very uncomfortable. All he said was we can do something else Mrs G. it's ok.

So are things better or just different. I guess I'd have to say both. Like all things I am evolving into a phase what it will bring, I don't know, guess I'll have to wait and see.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

music and memories

Music is a powerful thing. It brings emotions to the surface that have been hidden for longer than I care to remember. Oldies, blues, country, folk, show tunes and sound tracks, I love them all.

I find that certain songs elicit particular emotions. John Denver always touched my heart, now he brings tears.....Annie's Song ........I always think of Gee and all the things I wish I had said and all the things I'm sorry I did. His song  Mathew always brings thoughts of my father, wonder if he had a childhood anything like that song. 

The radio station I always listen to is an oldies station, wror, 60's,70's, and 80's, junior high, high school and a bit beyond. Not all memories of my teen years are happy ones, god I hated high school. I work with the wife of someone I went to high school with. Mike goes to all the reunions, our 35th is coming up. He asks will I be going, ah no, I didn't like you people when I had to be around you why would I pay to spend an evening with you....well Mike was okay, but most of the others, no. The only thing worth anything at all that came out of the 70's was Gee, met him when I was 18 and thank God everyday for bringing him to me. Scares me to death to think where I'd be if he hadn't come to save me.

I found a CD Gee listened to all the time, homemade mix of the Blues. Johnnie Taylor, Members of his favorites, and Tina of coarse. Did he love Tina Turner! I wanted to get him tickets a few years ago, she was going to be at Great Woods. I made the mistake of asking him if he'd like them. HELL NO he said as soon as he heard how much...never spent a dime on himself.....I so wish I had just bought them.

Music and memories............

Monday, May 2, 2011

Today I Got A Letter

Today I got a letter....."The United States of America honor the memory of Esper Gullatt This certificute is awarded by a grateful nation in recognition of devoted and selfless consecration to the service of our country in the Armed Forces of the United States" it is signed by Barak Obama.

I don't know what I think of this letter....I wonder if it would have meant more had it been sent to Gee before he died rather than after. 

A melecholy night of memories.....