Thursday, February 23, 2012

I had a totally different post in mind. I was going to complain about sitting in a seminar for three days only to find out my plans for the money I will be paid for these three days of my vacation are now gone, it will instead go to getting Rachel's car fixed.

Well the web(?) page wouldn't load, I could type a heading but no body. So in my typical fashion I begun to freak about loosing all my other posts. All those emotions I have stored in every line and word were lost to me. I couldn't access them, change them, read them....I had no control over them....

You can not imagine the panic I was feeling. I was clicking help buttons all the time saying I can't loose my posts. What am I going to do???? I felt I was loosing that one connection I have to Gee. Unrealistic I know, because here I am writing a post, with all my other posts sitting there waiting.

What was I thinking, why the panic? I guess it's the same reason I have old boots and coats, his wallet on the hutch, that I wear his wedding's all I have. I find it telling that with all that is around me, those words are precious to me. Words on a computer that no one really reads. They aren't written for anyone really. Just a place to store emotions I can not deal with yet, if I ever will.

As more time passes and I begin to feel I have made progress dealing with these feelings of grief, I find I really haven't. Something as small as a computer issue can send me over the edge. I have said it before...I am beginning to believe I will always grieve for Gee. Somedays it will be hidden, and some it will be on the surface, but it will always be there.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012


While I was bringing Rachel back to school after getting her Military ID renewed today we were driving down Route 202, a woody back road we prefer instead of the main highway, next thing I hear is MOOSE!! Coming down a wooded hill was one of the biggest animals I have ever seen. I had stopped by this time and she, I think it was a she, walked right in front of my car across the road and continued down the hill. My goodness what a sight.

A Sad Note

My friend Edna has passed away. She has gone to join George who left us late in November. Edna's memory has been fading for years but it seems the rate has escalated since George's death. I guess the best thing I can say about Grandma LeBlanc is she was a spitfire, a real feisty old broad. I will miss her, Rest in peace Grandma LeBlanc.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Beautiful, bubbly, funny, friend..........the list of words to describe a wonderful young women is endless. The one word no one would ever have used would be suicidal. We have experienced a tragic loss, one of our students has taken her own life.

We spent the day shuttling the 8th graders to grief councilors. The students were devastated. Holding on to each other for comfort. Asking staff why, why would anyone do such a thing to themselves, why did she? Well we are asking the same question of ourselves. Did we miss something, who talked with her on Monday, were there signs?

The truth is we have lost a beautiful, kind, funny, promising young woman and our hearts are heavy with sadness, for her, for her loving family, and for ourselves.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

I brought pictures of Gee to work today, to sit on my desk, next to the kids. I haven't done this before. I wasn't sure how I would feel, having him looking back at me all day. Some days I get so emotional looking at the pictures around the house. The picture of Gee and Jack at Rachel's graduation melts my heart every time I look at it. He wouldn't let him go. Held on to Jack like he was his lifeline.

I brought two of the pictures from Clayton's wedding. Gee looks tired, he had just gotten out of the hospital, but he looked like himself. Not the thin, frail man he would become. It was about 18 months before his death. One he was standing with Clayton, soon after the ceremony, the other he was dancing with Rachel. He wouldn't leave without a dance with her, saying "I wont be here for her wedding, I have to dance with her at this one." I of coarse answered with a you don't know that....maybe he did.