Monday, August 22, 2011

Another Season Passes

I have been caught in that place of dark thoughts and sadness. So many happy things happening around me and I feel this uncontrollable urge to run and hide under the covers hoping morning will come soon and chase the shadows away.

Jack's 2nd birthday party was yesterday. Katie gives a nice party and Clayton has gotten to be the next great grill king. I on the other hand just couldn't wait to get home. So many of their friends so genuine in their inquiries of how things are going. The thought that just last year Gee was here and though frail could still manage to attend....I had all I could do not to breakdown and cry.

Rachel and I went to see RENT at the local college Friday. I had seen the movie, so I know the story, but I was so touched by the two boys who play Angel and Collins it was all I could do not to dissolve in tears. I felt Gee's loss all over again.

I go back to work on Thursday, not looking forward to going.  Another new teacher, 3rd in so many years, and she doesn't want the job. Talks of prize boxes and rewards....this is 8th grade, they need to get ready for high school and I doubt there will be any "prizes" waiting for them there. I know nothing of what I will be doing, except that I will be out in some classes. Our students range from Autistic to violent (he should be placed somewhere else)....the meek and mild to the gangsta wanna be's.

Freddie is starting to show his age, sleeping so much more, loosing his hearing, having stomach issues. He is 11 now and slowing down. I had been making his dog food, boiled chicken and rice mixed with a bit of dried food. We have moved on to organic dog food. He is doing ok so far, we'll see if it lasts.  He is my constant companion, I shudder to think what would I ever have done without him these past months. He is still a happy little dog, but I do worry about him more as he ages. He is Lyme positive so that brings it's own challenges and he has had heartworm....

Rachel moves in two weeks from today. She is more than ready, missing her friends from school. She has said her goodbyes at the Manor, assuring the residents she will visit when she is home. I will miss her so very much. Fred will look for her and Buster will be happy to have "his" room back.

All will be back to normal for everyone....... everyone but me.

Friday, August 12, 2011


Eight months and I still see his haunted eyes, his shallow face and wasted body. That image he never wanted anyone, let alone his children see, vulnerable. I also see him laughing, with his whole heart and soul, big loud and boisterous. His big hands holding Jaxon so very gently, afraid the cancer took his strength and may drop him. I miss him so very much. Even now I wonder how will I ever make it without him, when we are making it.

I was afraid of summer vacation. How would I be without work everyday to keep me busy. It hasn't been to bad. Rachel has been home from school. I also think I am getting used to being on my own. Not feeling as guilty for the freedom of coming and going when I want. For so long I had to schedule people to sit with him, come in and check on him, before I could do what I needed to do. I find myself hearing his voice when I go places at night, he hated us out after dark.

Fall is coming soon, the stores have all the fall colors out. Back to school stuff has been out for months. Rachel can take her car this year so my trips to Westfield will be less. She will come home for her car the second weekend and will leave it over Thanksgiving, to much trouble to have over the winter. I will miss her, but she is more than ready to go back. She misses her friends.

Once again it will be Fred, Buster and me. Fred has been sleeping a lot more lately. Doesn't hear as well and shows some stiffness is the mornings. He is 10 this year. His issues with peeing in the house have gotten better. As long as we follow the same routine when we leave he seems to be ok. Some wouldn't put up with a dog like Fred, his issues and quirks, but we love him. What else can you do with an old dog?

Buster, on the other hand, shows little signs of aging. As sleek as he always was. He will be 13 this year. Never been a lap cat, more of an attack cat, he has become more affectionate as he ages. Always one to come to you for attention, being very timid, not receptive to you going at him.

Another step forward, made it through the summer.

Saturday, August 6, 2011


Who would have thought that one kid can have so much crap in her room that it takes two rooms to hold it during painting!! I'm not even talking about bed and dressers, they are still in there.

Boxes upon boxes full of "stuff" she can't part with. Concert tickets on her white board, a prom ribbon, a felt flower she got when she got her wisdom teeth out, an ice cream spoon "taken" from Friendlies.....a "mooch spoon" the kids call them.....crap everywhere.  The cat slinks upstairs and hides under a chair, the dog is just in the way.

Finally after a late night vacuuming under the dressers, so gross, dust, hair, yuck.....we will start to paint today. celling, walls and trim. I hope to get half way done today Thursday, and finish on Friday. We have a birthday party on Saturday for Steve, 19, and on Sunday for Bradeigh, 1.


We finished Rachel's room yesterday. It is now a very bright blue/green. I hesitate to call it aqua, although it is a Disney color called under the sea, or something like that. We found some really great fabric for the curtains, a purple green blue tie dyed stuff, should look great.  Steve will hook up all her electronic stuff on Monday and Rachel needs to move all her crap back in. Hopefully she will edit as she goes. Not that I want her to toss her most beloved of treasures, but put some in a plastic bin and save them instead of  overflowing into Clayton's old room.

Today she is giving Steve his birthday gift....she Alan and some others are going to play paintball. I know the boys will love it but I doubt Rach will. She's not really the get dirty, hit me even though I know it's going to hurt kind of girl. She found this place in Chicopee where they have different playing fields, old barns, big rocks, all the stuff you need to play.

I have less than 3 weeks left before I go back to work! I can't say I'm not looking forward to seeing my friends at work, because I am.....but once again what I'm going to be doing is a mystery. New teacher, new policy, new students....seems the only thing that stays the same is Mrs. G. Oh well such is life at Gardner Middle School.

We are planning a trip to Washington DC over Rachel's spring break. Ann has been trying to get us to go for years. Laureen may join us too. It should be a great time!