I had a totally different post in mind. I was going to complain about sitting in a seminar for three days only to find out my plans for the money I will be paid for these three days of my vacation are now gone, it will instead go to getting Rachel's car fixed.
Well the web(?) page wouldn't load, I could type a heading but no body. So in my typical fashion I begun to freak about loosing all my other posts. All those emotions I have stored in every line and word were lost to me. I couldn't access them, change them, read them....I had no control over them....
You can not imagine the panic I was feeling. I was clicking help buttons all the time saying I can't loose my posts. What am I going to do???? I felt I was loosing that one connection I have to Gee. Unrealistic I know, because here I am writing a post, with all my other posts sitting there waiting.
What was I thinking, why the panic? I guess it's the same reason I have old boots and coats, his wallet on the hutch, that I wear his wedding ring.....it's all I have. I find it telling that with all that is around me, those words are precious to me. Words on a computer that no one really reads. They aren't written for anyone really. Just a place to store emotions I can not deal with yet, if I ever will.
As more time passes and I begin to feel I have made progress dealing with these feelings of grief, I find I really haven't. Something as small as a computer issue can send me over the edge. I have said it before...I am beginning to believe I will always grieve for Gee. Somedays it will be hidden, and some it will be on the surface, but it will always be there.