Sunday, February 3, 2013

White Rocks and Green Grass

Where is there an outcrop of white crystal/marble rocks covered in the softest, brightest green grass? I have had reoccurring dreams about this place. How I get there is always different the last time I was with a teacher in an old car. I "feel" like I've been here before...strange.

I have been missing Gee more than ever.  I'm thinking it's the weather......grey and depressing. Rachel went back to school after Christmas break and things at work have been shaken up. All things that trigger my anxiety.

Our anniversary is also coming up, Feb 18th. I had a teacher ask me some questions about having lost Gee. It was funny because I found myself saying that most of the time it just feels like he is at work or calling a game. It's at night when I put Freddie out that last time before going to bed that I really start to miss him. That walk up the stairs seem to drain me of all those feelings and the reality of getting into a cold bed alone hits. I don't really mind the living alone part, being a "loner" helps there. I have always been comfortable with my own company, never been a joiner, so to speak. 

I brought Rachel back to school today, feeling sad driving home. Then what do I see as big as life....a huge hawk. Sitting on the top of a tree next to the Mass Pike. Made me smile. Each time I am feeling particularly sad I see eagle, a moose, Gee's cactus in full bloom, a rhododendron that had never thrived has a bloom and now a hawk. Could it be a coincidence, sure. I am choosing that Gee is watching and knows how I remain Always and Forever.......

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