JUST SUPPORT STAFF

I haven't written much over the last few weeks. I have not been in the right frame of mind.

I have been moved back into the black hole called Project Support. We have a new student that can not go into classes, so I have been babysitting. He can't go to classes because he is known to be violent, has a filthy mouth, and lets say he likes Irish people......

I am not getting sub pay though, he has a "teacher". who he sees for one hour a day. I am "just support staff". Yup, that is what I was told. So, when the teacher couldn't explain to him how to solve a two step equation, I was just sitting there waiting, being just support staff. I probably should have jumped in and answered his questions however, the last time I did that I found myself with a first block class, while the teacher goes over the daily lessons. Not that I might need to know what the teacher wants....I am after all just support staff.

It's Official

My baby girl is engaged to be married! My gosh I just came to terms that she was 21, now this! The news came last night. Rachel called saying through her tears, I'm so happy... Steve had given her his grandmother's diamond ring.

What started as an 8th grade infatuation has grown to this. The first time Gee saw Steve he was sliding down our stairs on his butt, laughing. Steve has always been there. When Rachel had heat stroke at the Memorial Parade, he just followed me to the car and got in, following the ambulance to the ER. Each time Gee was in the hospital, he was there holding her hand, giving her what comfort he could. When Gee died, he came in the door engulfing her in his big bear hug and you could see her melt, knowing she would be safe there.

I have a picture of them on the table in the hall, even back then I could see the love they have for each other.  So lets make it offical....

WELCOME TO THE FAMILY STEVEN

White Rocks and Green Grass

Where is there an outcrop of white crystal/marble rocks covered in the softest, brightest green grass? I have had reoccurring dreams about this place. How I get there is always different the last time I was with a teacher in an old car. I "feel" like I've been here before...strange.

I have been missing Gee more than ever.  I'm thinking it's the weather......grey and depressing. Rachel went back to school after Christmas break and things at work have been shaken up. All things that trigger my anxiety.

Our anniversary is also coming up, Feb 18th. I had a teacher ask me some questions about having lost Gee. It was funny because I found myself saying that most of the time it just feels like he is at work or calling a game. It's at night when I put Freddie out that last time before going to bed that I really start to miss him. That walk up the stairs seem to drain me of all those feelings and the reality of getting into a cold bed alone hits. I don't really mind the living alone part, being a "loner" helps there. I have always been comfortable with my own company, never been a joiner, so to speak. 

I brought Rachel back to school today, feeling sad driving home. Then what do I see as big as life....a huge hawk. Sitting on the top of a tree next to the Mass Pike. Made me smile. Each time I am feeling particularly sad I see something.....an eagle, a moose, Gee's cactus in full bloom, a rhododendron that had never thrived has a bloom and now a hawk. Could it be a coincidence, sure. I am choosing that Gee is watching and knows how I remain Always and Forever.......

Renewed Spirit

There is a young boy that comes into breakfast every morning. He is a student in the RISE program, formally know as Life Skills. He is such a joyful little boy, always smiling. He told me today, all excited, "Mrs G, my mother said I was so good yesterday I can have chocolate milk for breakfast!'
He was so proud of himself.

This little guy finds joy wherever he goes. Whenever I see him that smile is on his face. He skips down the halls, says hello to any and all he meets.  Still believes the world is a kind and wonderful place. That everyone he meets wants nothing more than to be his friend.

How can your spirit not be renewed when you talk to someone to whom the greatest thing on Earth is that your Mom said you can have chocolate milk for breakfast!

Depression

Depression: sadness; gloom; dejection.

That sums up how I have felt for the past month or so. I have said it before, I wouldn't get out of bed if the animals didn't need to be cared for. I often feel like going to bed, pulling the covers over my head and stying there forever....

I once found satisfaction at work, but these days it is such a chore. In the past I worked with kids that were a challenge but who were likable in many ways. These guys this year I can't. How can you like someone who, because they thought it was funny, terrorized a 6th grade girl with two of his buddies while walking home. Charges pending.....

I don't understand how these kids can justify treating each other the way they do. They are nasty, dirty and just down right awful to us and to each other. In the past we have had a few kids who are troublemakers, the ones who are defiant, or just don't care what happens to them. These days on the 7th grade floor we have 15-20 if we have 1.  Many of these kids parents don't see a problem with their child, or look at it as that's your (the schools) problem. How can you not care that by December your child has been suspended more than 7 times, plus had at least 5 days of in house suspension.

Many teachers are leaving as soon as they can, 20 years and out. There are very few teachers that stay past that magic retirement number. No more Miss Smiths, who taught all my brothers and sisters along with my father and his brothers and sister. Mrs. Waterman, Mrs Sheldon, Miss Laskey...all those teachers who taught for 30-35 years...

I'm sure the weather doesn't help how I've been feeling, dark gloomy, cold......looking forward to February vacation already!

Christmas 2012

This was the first Christmas in many years that I didn't have people over for dinner. Even the year Gee died my sister and her daughter brought lasagna. This year it was just  Rachel and I. I made a pot roast and later in the day she went to Steve's. I have to say it was rather enjoyable. None of the stress of making a big dinner with all the fixings.

Snowed last night and will snow for most of the day, 12+ inches expected before it's over. We have had a very mild winter, no snow at all yet. This will be the first time i need the snow blower this season. I have started it and have plenty of gas. Rachel is even home so I have some help cleaning up.

Fred was a bit reluctant to go out this morning. He had to go out the front door on the leash, the deck is buried right now and we can't get the door opened. He kept coming up to the door wanting to go in, it was cold and windy. After about 10 minutes of me looking at him saying JUST GO PEE, he did.

I have come to the conclusion that Fred will be the last dog for a while. I  have always said if your going to have a pet you have to care for that animal. The vet bills are challenging to say the least. His last trip kinda opened my eyes. If anything serious happened I wouldn't have the cash, the other option is depressing. I will miss not having a constant companion. Nothing can beat a good dog. We have been very lucky,  had two of the best. Boss would have protected us no matter what and Fred just loves being with you. His greatest gift is your company, never more than a few feet away, watching and waiting to please.

Two Years

Two years ago on December 18th Gee died, 730 days. Looking at it like that it seems like a long time doesn't it?  Well it was just yesterday to me. I see it all very clearly in my mind. What fades is where those days went since. Long string of work, home sleep, without many memories to hold me to that time. 

I really can't say that anything over the past two years stand out as memorable. I know things have changed for me, but to put my finger on any one thing I can't seem to do it. I manage to make it through most days without ending up a pile of emotional goo. I have become more social than ever I was before. Lynda and the game night ladies are responsible for that.  I have always been very introverted, content with the simple life I have lead home and family always top priorities.

I have been approached recently about getting more involved within the union negotiating committee. I don't see myself as anyway near competent to negotiate with the school committee on the para contract. I have a hot temper and often I don't think before I speak. I also have a fear that if I did agree then others would really know just how incompetent and stupid I am. Insecurities.

As the 18th gets closer I become more reflective and melancholy. I am feeling old. I am finding it harder to see myself when I look in the mirror, I see an old lady who I don't know, who has a list of aches and pains that she never had before. The shoulder that wakes me up at night, the ankle that hurts until greased with movement, a back that hurts in the morning.....the list is endless. I have told the school I wont be in on the 18th, a "family sick day" so I will get paid. No one remembers.  I don't think Rachel remembered until I said I was taking the day off. I don't mean to imply she doesn't care in any fashion, I just mean her life has moved on, as it should.

Another sign of age rambling......