Monday, March 7, 2011

House of Mouse

In one week we are heading to the land of the mouse...Disney. Rachel's high school graduation trip. This will be our 6th trip and we never tire of going. We had planned to go in June but that wasn't possible. Gee couldn't be left alone. He was failing, even if he wouldn't admit to it. I think back and I can see each and every step backwards, the cane, the walker, sleeping downstairs, the loss of appetite.  I know I had to see the signs but I guess I was to busy worrying about his day to day care to see the overall picture.

Maybe that is what saves us, or me anyway.  Had I known then how quickly he would leave me would I have been able to maintain my everyday routine? I knew he was failing but I don't think until he transferred to hospice I really realized just how soon it could be over. Every time we saw the doctor Gee would say he was good, I knew he wasn't but I wanted to believe him so much that I never said anything different, then Dr. Piperdi knew he wasn't good, too..

I find it funny I can talk about him all day long. Tell stories, quote him, talk of his sense of humor, and all the rest. Let me think the same thoughts here at home and this all engulfing sadness overtakes me. A friend tells me it is because I keep my grieving to myself, I don't share how I feel to others. I can't talk about it. If I start there will be no stopping, it will consume me pulling me further and further into this blackness. How do you tell someone that everyday it is all you can do to keep moving forward.

Even my writing turns dark. What had started as a happy thought has turned into a melancholy rant.

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