Monday, May 30, 2011


A half a year, 180 days, 4320 hours.............yesterday.

I put one foot in front of the other everyday because that is what I am supposed to do.I do the dishes, the laundry, I go to work because that is what I am supposed to do. I walk the dog, feed the cat, mow the lawn because that is what I'm supposed to do. What I want to do if I had my way, loose myself in sleep, the one place it doesn't hurt. There is only blackness.

I am beginning to feel that I should call my doctor. I continue to have days of sadness. I thought they were getting less frequent, but no if anything they are coming with more regularity. I can't talk about how I feel, I dissolve into tears with just the thought of it. What could I say, that I miss him terribly, that I feel I have no purpose, no direction. Nothing seems to make me feel better. I go out with people from work and all seems well until I get home. The cloud follows me, I can't seem to get past it.

I want to feel more like myself again. I used to be very happy with my life. We didn't have alot, but we had enough and we had each other. I never really missed going out, being social, we were content with each others company. We talked together, laughed together, just happy to be together. Now there is just me, feeling sorry for myself. Loneliness is an awful thing and you don't need to be alone to be lonely.

With summer sitting on the horizon, I wonder how that will go. I have few days left for work. Summer vacation begins on the 17th of June. I do have a few projects waiting. Painting Rachel's room, painting my room, cleaning out the basement. Not enough to fill a summer off.

I often wonder is this how Dad felt when my mother died? That the world was whirling past you and you were standing still. That everyone else went back to their old lives, yes a small part was missing, but over all their life remained unchanged. Your life, however, is missing, it is nowhere to be found. The outer shell is there but your inner self is gone forever. Your soul left with his, will it ever come back to you?

My father once said it takes a full year to get over a death. I have doubts about that. Has Ruth ever really gotten over Lee's death, BJ and Saul over the loss of Ryan? Did Grandma Julia ever get over Grandpa's death or Dad get over Ma's.

 Time they say is the answer, the passing of time. What happens when, for you, time stands still.

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