another step forward

Friday was another snow day, worked only twice last week. My friend Lynda called, a group was getting together for a few drinks at McNally's was I up for it? No I hadn't showered, wasn't dressed just didn't feel it. Bullshit, she says, pick me up in a half hour and hung up. I got dressed and picked her up. It was fun, I got out of the house and I didn't feel sorry for myself for a few hours. The first time I've been out socially for months.

I sit with the TV on at night just waiting for it to get late enough so I can go to bed. I escape in sleep, not lonely, not sad, no tears, just nothingness. I can cry over nothing...a song, a thought, or not. I was thinking about what I should get at the store for next weeks lunches and the tears start falling. I was folding clothes and I start. Poor Fred he gets so disturbed when I cry...it's almost like he knows why and he puts his head on my lap and looks at me with sad eyes. Like now, he is looking at me watching my every move. He is never more than a few feet away, what would I do without him? His ever presence is a comfort to me.

I have booked the trip to Disney we have been putting off for the past year. Rachel, Ann, Laureen and I will be heading to the sunshine state in March...Rachel's spring break. Clayton will care for the cat, Fred is going to the vet for boarding. I worry about him, he spent two years in the shelter before we adopted him, it was his age I'm sure, he is such a nice dog. We have reservations in the "better" runs, indoor, outdoor, daily walks and interactions with the other dogs. I have been thinking on scheduling grooming but just being there may be stressful enough for him.

Freddie is having a hard time now that I'm working again. The vet said his anxiety has returned because he's "afraid" I wont come back. I really don't want to have to medicate my dog because of separation anxiety, but if he's going to go crazy when I'm gone I may have to. He wants to spend his day upstairs I guess he feels comfortable there but he is peeing when he's left alone from anxiety. So I will keep him in the kitchen and hope he gets over being alone....

Maybe both of us will get used to it, though somehow I think Freddie will master his issues before I do mine.

sleep over buddy

Jack is spending the night. He is so full of energy, never stops. I am exhausted, he is sleeping, recharging those batteries for tomorrow.

I wish he would have memories of Gee, but he will only have stories of how much he was loved by this man in pictures they say is his grandfather.

What will we tell him. His grandfather was a man of honor, who always lived life to the fullest. A man who loved his family, pinochle, and laughing. He could always find something funny in everyday things, never took anything to seriously. A man who always looked to the bright side of things. Even during his battle with cancer. When the doctor would ask how he was doing he always said not bad...because someone somewhere was worse off than he was.

His grandfather was a man who survived 2 wars, growing up poor and black, and never compromised on what he believed was the difference between what was right and what wasn't. There was no grey area there. A man who was bigger than life and who will be remembered by all who met him.

I guess what we will tell him is your grandfather was a good man.........

in sickness and in health

I saw the lawyer yesterday, a very nice man, who said he admired me for taking care of  Gee at home. I saw a teacher from another school who said basically the same thing. A friend told me she could never do what I was doing. I've heard this kind of thing from so many people. I took care of my children, my parents why would Gee be any different. Gee was my husband, my friend why wouldn't I do anything I could to make his last few weeks on this earth the way he wanted them. He loved his home and his family and he wanted to spend his last days surrounded by both. So we brought him home.

 In sickness and in health means something to me, it did when I married him and it still does. It didn't mean only when your healthy, or only when your a little sick. He was sick and I would care for him. He would have done the same for me and he did, for 34 years he took care of me. Never asking for anything in return except to love him, and I do with all of my heart.

 I tell people that I'm lucky, I had 34 years with a man who loved me and cared for me with all of his heart and soul.........how many can say that.

a month or yesterday

Gee's been gone a month it feels like yesterday....I look at the couch and see the hospital bed, I close my eyes and hear his laugh, big boisterous and loud. I hear him singing, and when I flick channels I hesitate when there is wrestling on to let him know what channel.........

The day he came home from the Highlands I was helping him move up in the bed and I started to cry...he was always so strong... he hugged me and said I was going to have to be the strong one this time, because he couldn't and he started to cry,in 34 years I had never seen him cry...he was afraid, not to die, afraid for Rachel and I, because he was not going to be able to care for us any more. I have said to myself so many times over the past month I don't want to be strong anymore.....and then I look at Rachel and I know she worries about me. Will I take my meds when she's at school, will I eat the way I should,  will I.....any one of a thousand will I's, and I keep going.

I wonder if he knew he would die on the 18th...... he was born on the 18th, we were married on the18th....how ironic...how many other 18's are there that I don't know about. He was a creature of habit, like us all. Work, home, TV, sleep....everything had its rhythm ....even his children...8 years between them, Sonny 52, Yvette 44, Gweno 36, Clayton 28 this year and Rachel will be 20.....more irony.

We have a snow day today. Might get 6'' of snow before it changes over to rain. Is this more of Gee's doing? I didn't want to go today, to many thoughts running through my head. Very distracted, not very focused at all.....more irony, or just New England weather.....

back to Westfield

Rachel goes back to school today. She is more than ready, misses her friends and ready to start her new classes. Can't say I'm ready for her to go. It's going to be awfully quiet around here. Not that she's loud, there's just so much activity, Steve, Alan, Mirah, Katie and the rest in and out all  the time. The quiet is what I'm afraid of.

I have the cat and the dog for company. Freddie is as dumb as a post but he loves me, follows me wherever I go.He has stopped looking for Gee for the most part. We do need to leave him corralled in the kitchen when we leave. He has started peeing again when we leave him alone, separation anxiety. The vet said it should be temporary. As for the cat, when he wants you he can be very lovable, he just doesn't want you very often.

I have begun looking for a part time job. My friend from work, JoAnn, lost her husband two years ago, same cancer, same doctor, as Gee, has said it has been her savior. She works a few nights a week and helps to keep her occupied. I'm not sure what I'd like to do, the movie theater is looking for help, I may go there this week.

The other thing I have been contemplating is going back to school. I know I don't want to be a regular classroom teacher, don't have the temperament for that. I'm good at my job, I like the kids I work with so I'm leaning towards a tutor. I would need a teaching certificate,but I wouldn't be the lead teacher. I have 63 credits that transferred from the community college...I will need to make an appointment at Fitchburg State to see what kind of money is out there for someone in my situation.

Like every other decision I've had to make lately I bounce between the choices and seems I end up doing nothing. Some of the problem is my proficient procrastination, but some I know is this depression I am going through. Yes, I know it's understandable, but most days if it wasn't that Fred wakes me up to go out or Rachel is home I think I'd never get out of bed. Nothing gets done. The dinning room is full of crap that needs to get put some place, given away or tossed. I look at it knowing something needs to be done and I start and the tears come and I stop...Clayton did take a few of Gee's coats, but most are so out of "style" I doubt anyone would want them, But I can't put them in a bag to go to Salvation Army. If I do that am I saying his life had no meaning, his things are not important therefore he was not important...in my head I know this isn't true but my heart breaks each time I think of doing it. Lynda, a good friend, tells me so what, when I'm ready I'll go through all of it, but for now , so what if it sits and waits....maybe she's right...maybe I need to just say so what and leave it at that.....

that bb out on the field

I met Gee when I was 18, he was 41. If that wasn't enough to raise eyebrows he was also a black career soldier with children my own age.

 Looking back my parents must have thought I was crazy. Unlike now, where at the local high school interracial couples are nothing unusual, gay students are open and receive little or no comments from the rest of the student body.  My uncle wouldn't visit my parents because he may run into us, I doubt my father cared very much, Walt was a miserable man. My sisters husband wouldn't talk to us for years. There were places we didn't go, but mostly we were left alone.

I never really noticed the differences between us. This one night we were in Clinton. He was calling softball for a men's league. Sitting in the stands I heard all kinds of things. I find it very funny how many games Gee lost, it was always his fault never the guys swinging the bat. An older woman was sitting in the stands. She was there watching her son play. She tried to come to the games if the weather was nice and they were in town. I responded with a that's nice. Settling in she looks out on the field and says, " oh shit it's that black bastard again tonight, I don't like that umpire...." I didn't say anything, what could I say. She continues to talk and talk. Commenting on every call. After about 8 innings of play she turns to me and asks, "who are you watching honey, is your boyfriend a player on the other team?" and I said" no, I'm waiting for that black bastard out on the field."She turned green, I walked away and Gee laughed and laughed.

Christmas' Past

I just sit and look at the small Christmas tree Clayton and Katie put up one Sunday when I was bringing Rachel back to school. I wasn't going to put one up this year. I was far from feeling festive, but Clayton said Rachel needed a tree, so he brought a small one over and put the lights on it. We put the decorations on it the next weekend when Rachel came home.

I know it needs to be taken down, but every time I try I start looking at the ornaments, thinking of where and when we got them. The birds I collect, the crystal, the ones that came from my mother and grandmother. A story behind each one. The one that holds my attention the most is a Daffy Duck dressed in a striped shirt with a whistle and a sign that says fowl. Rachel gave Gee that ornament so long ago....he loved it.

Christmas to him wasn't presents, it was dinner....with all the family and friends that we could get into the house. Rib roast and chicken, cabbage and collard greens, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, biscuits and rolls, my mothers fruit cup and grandpas shrimp cocktail, and pies and more pies. So much food seems almost sinful. Good food and good company what more could anyone ask for, he would say. Even last year when he was beginning to fail, we had Christmas.

I wonder what next year will bring. Will it bring with it a sense of comfort and stability that I truly don't feel now. Will it bring the laughter that followed Gee where ever he went. Will we ever see Christmas the same way again? No we wont, it will evolve into something different, something strangely familiar but so very different.