Tuesday, January 18, 2011

a month or yesterday

Gee's been gone a month it feels like yesterday....I look at the couch and see the hospital bed, I close my eyes and hear his laugh, big boisterous and loud. I hear him singing, and when I flick channels I hesitate when there is wrestling on to let him know what channel.........

The day he came home from the Highlands I was helping him move up in the bed and I started to cry...he was always so strong... he hugged me and said I was going to have to be the strong one this time, because he couldn't and he started to cry,in 34 years I had never seen him cry...he was afraid, not to die, afraid for Rachel and I, because he was not going to be able to care for us any more. I have said to myself so many times over the past month I don't want to be strong anymore.....and then I look at Rachel and I know she worries about me. Will I take my meds when she's at school, will I eat the way I should,  will I.....any one of a thousand will I's, and I keep going.

I wonder if he knew he would die on the 18th...... he was born on the 18th, we were married on the18th....how ironic...how many other 18's are there that I don't know about. He was a creature of habit, like us all. Work, home, TV, sleep....everything had its rhythm ....even his children...8 years between them, Sonny 52, Yvette 44, Gweno 36, Clayton 28 this year and Rachel will be 20.....more irony.

We have a snow day today. Might get 6'' of snow before it changes over to rain. Is this more of Gee's doing? I didn't want to go today, to many thoughts running through my head. Very distracted, not very focused at all.....more irony, or just New England weather.....


  1. Dear Aunt Robin,
    I love you.

  2. I read each of your posts and can't help but get teary . . . you have so beautifully captured your heart, your loss, your love, your lives together. One comment - Walt was a miserable sad old man who died alone, unlike your dear Gee who, until his last breath, was surrounded, near and far, by those who loved him dearly.