Monday, January 17, 2011

back to Westfield

Rachel goes back to school today. She is more than ready, misses her friends and ready to start her new classes. Can't say I'm ready for her to go. It's going to be awfully quiet around here. Not that she's loud, there's just so much activity, Steve, Alan, Mirah, Katie and the rest in and out all  the time. The quiet is what I'm afraid of.

I have the cat and the dog for company. Freddie is as dumb as a post but he loves me, follows me wherever I go.He has stopped looking for Gee for the most part. We do need to leave him corralled in the kitchen when we leave. He has started peeing again when we leave him alone, separation anxiety. The vet said it should be temporary. As for the cat, when he wants you he can be very lovable, he just doesn't want you very often.

I have begun looking for a part time job. My friend from work, JoAnn, lost her husband two years ago, same cancer, same doctor, as Gee, has said it has been her savior. She works a few nights a week and helps to keep her occupied. I'm not sure what I'd like to do, the movie theater is looking for help, I may go there this week.

The other thing I have been contemplating is going back to school. I know I don't want to be a regular classroom teacher, don't have the temperament for that. I'm good at my job, I like the kids I work with so I'm leaning towards a tutor. I would need a teaching certificate,but I wouldn't be the lead teacher. I have 63 credits that transferred from the community college...I will need to make an appointment at Fitchburg State to see what kind of money is out there for someone in my situation.

Like every other decision I've had to make lately I bounce between the choices and seems I end up doing nothing. Some of the problem is my proficient procrastination, but some I know is this depression I am going through. Yes, I know it's understandable, but most days if it wasn't that Fred wakes me up to go out or Rachel is home I think I'd never get out of bed. Nothing gets done. The dinning room is full of crap that needs to get put some place, given away or tossed. I look at it knowing something needs to be done and I start and the tears come and I stop...Clayton did take a few of Gee's coats, but most are so out of "style" I doubt anyone would want them, But I can't put them in a bag to go to Salvation Army. If I do that am I saying his life had no meaning, his things are not important therefore he was not my head I know this isn't true but my heart breaks each time I think of doing it. Lynda, a good friend, tells me so what, when I'm ready I'll go through all of it, but for now , so what if it sits and waits....maybe she's right...maybe I need to just say so what and leave it at that.....

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