Depression

Depression: sadness; gloom; dejection.

That sums up how I have felt for the past month or so. I have said it before, I wouldn't get out of bed if the animals didn't need to be cared for. I often feel like going to bed, pulling the covers over my head and stying there forever....

I once found satisfaction at work, but these days it is such a chore. In the past I worked with kids that were a challenge but who were likable in many ways. These guys this year I can't. How can you like someone who, because they thought it was funny, terrorized a 6th grade girl with two of his buddies while walking home. Charges pending.....

I don't understand how these kids can justify treating each other the way they do. They are nasty, dirty and just down right awful to us and to each other. In the past we have had a few kids who are troublemakers, the ones who are defiant, or just don't care what happens to them. These days on the 7th grade floor we have 15-20 if we have 1.  Many of these kids parents don't see a problem with their child, or look at it as that's your (the schools) problem. How can you not care that by December your child has been suspended more than 7 times, plus had at least 5 days of in house suspension.

Many teachers are leaving as soon as they can, 20 years and out. There are very few teachers that stay past that magic retirement number. No more Miss Smiths, who taught all my brothers and sisters along with my father and his brothers and sister. Mrs. Waterman, Mrs Sheldon, Miss Laskey...all those teachers who taught for 30-35 years...

I'm sure the weather doesn't help how I've been feeling, dark gloomy, cold......looking forward to February vacation already!

Christmas 2012

This was the first Christmas in many years that I didn't have people over for dinner. Even the year Gee died my sister and her daughter brought lasagna. This year it was just  Rachel and I. I made a pot roast and later in the day she went to Steve's. I have to say it was rather enjoyable. None of the stress of making a big dinner with all the fixings.

Snowed last night and will snow for most of the day, 12+ inches expected before it's over. We have had a very mild winter, no snow at all yet. This will be the first time i need the snow blower this season. I have started it and have plenty of gas. Rachel is even home so I have some help cleaning up.

Fred was a bit reluctant to go out this morning. He had to go out the front door on the leash, the deck is buried right now and we can't get the door opened. He kept coming up to the door wanting to go in, it was cold and windy. After about 10 minutes of me looking at him saying JUST GO PEE, he did.

I have come to the conclusion that Fred will be the last dog for a while. I  have always said if your going to have a pet you have to care for that animal. The vet bills are challenging to say the least. His last trip kinda opened my eyes. If anything serious happened I wouldn't have the cash, the other option is depressing. I will miss not having a constant companion. Nothing can beat a good dog. We have been very lucky,  had two of the best. Boss would have protected us no matter what and Fred just loves being with you. His greatest gift is your company, never more than a few feet away, watching and waiting to please.

Two Years

Two years ago on December 18th Gee died, 730 days. Looking at it like that it seems like a long time doesn't it?  Well it was just yesterday to me. I see it all very clearly in my mind. What fades is where those days went since. Long string of work, home sleep, without many memories to hold me to that time. 

I really can't say that anything over the past two years stand out as memorable. I know things have changed for me, but to put my finger on any one thing I can't seem to do it. I manage to make it through most days without ending up a pile of emotional goo. I have become more social than ever I was before. Lynda and the game night ladies are responsible for that.  I have always been very introverted, content with the simple life I have lead home and family always top priorities.

I have been approached recently about getting more involved within the union negotiating committee. I don't see myself as anyway near competent to negotiate with the school committee on the para contract. I have a hot temper and often I don't think before I speak. I also have a fear that if I did agree then others would really know just how incompetent and stupid I am. Insecurities.

As the 18th gets closer I become more reflective and melancholy. I am feeling old. I am finding it harder to see myself when I look in the mirror, I see an old lady who I don't know, who has a list of aches and pains that she never had before. The shoulder that wakes me up at night, the ankle that hurts until greased with movement, a back that hurts in the morning.....the list is endless. I have told the school I wont be in on the 18th, a "family sick day" so I will get paid. No one remembers.  I don't think Rachel remembered until I said I was taking the day off. I don't mean to imply she doesn't care in any fashion, I just mean her life has moved on, as it should.

Another sign of age rambling......

Fred

Freddie is a rescue dog. We got him a few months after our German Shepard, Boss, died. He has been my companion for just over 3 years now. He came from a shelter at 7 years old, give or take, with some history of abuse, neglect and running the streets. So even now there are things about him I am cautious about. Holding his head when the vet is working on him is one. He growls at her, so I have to muzzle him. Like most dogs once released he hold no ill will, just looks for that cookie as a reward.

He has been licking himself bald in places. I have washed the areas with oatmeal, I have brushed him looking for fleas(remember this one), I have cut out any wheat products from his diet, finally I have taken him to the vet. Her verdict after $150 service charges and a $100 medication bill.....he has fleas!

FLEAS.....ok how can he have fleas when I can't find them, you couldn't find them and they aren't in the house. The cat doesn't have them.... she says, "Well if the symptoms head to fleas you should treat for fleas"....ok so I come out of there with an antibiotic, flea goop to put on his back, spray to relieve the itching and something for his arthritis. Really, I love my animals but damn!

So if the pills for his arthritis don't improve his hips she has a group of shots we could try.....2 shots a week, for 4 weeks, then I can give him a shot once a week....I didn't even ask the cost, ah no. Lets be realistic here. He's 11 years 5 months old, hearing going, eyesight going, joints going. He has doggie Alzheimer's, stands in the corner staring ahead at times, forgets that he was housebroken sometimes, he can be outside for an hour come in and pee on the floor, sleeps most of the time, I swear he goes into the bathroom and can't remember how to turn around to get out. I love my dog and I will do what I can to help him. I really don't need a vet making me feel guilty when blood work is over $200 and I have to say no...do they not understand that if I had the cash I'd do most anything for him. No matter how much I love him, he's a dog and everything has its priority.....unfortunately.

OLD ARMY BUDDIES

I got a telephone call this morning from an old friend. Tony was in the army with Gee. We met him when Gee was stationed in upstate New York, Seneca Army Depot. Gee was stationed there after coming home from his last tour in Korea. I always refer to the little town we lived in as Hooterville. Romulus, NY had one variety store, one gas station, a post office, and a ton of churches.

Tony was one of a group of guys attached to Readiness Group. They spent the weekends training reservists. During the week these guys were at our house playing cards. We played Pinochle for a year, almost everyday.

Tony had a heart attack while playing volleyball, from then on he was forever known as Bad Heart.  Gee would tell him all the time, we don't do CPR here so you better not get excited when I kick your ass with this hand, Boston coming...

Those days were some of the best days we ever had. Tony, Flo, Anthony, Faulkner, some great guys. They would come over loaded with food and beer. We shared all we had, no matter how much or how little we had. We looked out for each other, Tony is still looking out for me.

I went to the cemetery today. It was a bright crisp day, sun shining, bit of a chill in the air. The guys were cleaning up old flowers getting ready for the wreaths that will be laid on the graves for the holiday season. The local VFW co-ordinates this venture. It really is quite the sight,all that green and red.

Gee's second year anniversary is coming up in a few weeks, December 18th. I think of him all the time, I can hear his voice in my head, his laugh so loud and genuine. I see his mannerisms when I watch Clayton. Rachel is so like him, she doesn't see it.

I have been having a bad time this past week. Not really sure why. Just haven't been feeling myself, just sad. These waves of sadness are not as frequent as they were in the past. I seem to manage them better when they do occur. Maybe that is what they mean by "Time heals all wounds", they don't really heal you just learn to cope with them better.

The Passing of a Matriarch

Babygirl has gone home to her God.  Gee's sister Rosella passed away today.

The woman who held the family together since her mother died in 1938. She was the most godly woman I have ever met. She spent her life caring for others, as God's will. She came to care for her brother when he came home that last time, bringing with her oils, food, and prayers. Everything she needed to bring him comfort.

I talked with her just two days ago. She was so concerned about how we were. Did we make it through the storm, Sandy, alright. Still holding the family together.

She lived her life as God commanded. She has earned her rest.

I will miss you so very much.