Monday, October 10, 2011

Dearest Gee

I wonder if you miss me as much as I do you? I hope you don't. My heart would break if after all you went through, the pain and suffering, and still you have the pain of separation.

 My hope for you is you're sitting on the porch with Boss by your side. Relaxing in the warm breeze with the smells of lilac in the air, drink in hand. Maybe the smell of ham hocks and beans or collard greens cooking along with cornbread in the oven would be more to your liking. I still hear your voice,"."something sure smells good." With the smooth sounds of Albert King in the back ground.

I still miss you as much today as I did the day you passed from this life. First I felt guilt, for feeling relieved you had gone, no more pain, no more suffering.  Then came the anger, anger at the VA, why did they put you on a 5 year schedule, angry with myself for not insisting you see a civilian doctor sooner, angry with  God for having this most horrible of diseases invade your body once again, angry with any/every one who dared to say it was a blessing, what did they know about it....Now there is sadness, overwhelming melancholy along with the guilt and anger. I dream of you, waking in tears to the thought that once more you have left me. My days are a conscious effort to put one foot in front of the other. Work, home, sleep round and round, over and over.

The passage of time hasn't relieved me of the pain, I just hide it better. I think sometimes I hold on to the sadness because if I let it go what then? What can possibly be waiting for me. My heart aches for you. I am afraid that soon I wont remember the sound of your booming laugh, that gentle voice, wispering to your babies, the feel of your hand in mine.  I was afraid to loose you, now I fear loosing the only thing I have left, my memories of you.

Always and Forever Yours

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