REALITY

Reality. I got a post card to tell me Gee's stone has been set at the cemetery. Why has this brought on a new bout of melancholy, I guess it brings a finality to it all. I have been in such a depressed state of mind. I hate what I'm doing right now, babysitting a bunch of brats that no one makes accountable for anything. Instead of helping someone learn how to find the hypotenuse of a triangle I am telling these brats over and over to sit down....right now Wal -Mart looks pretty good.

I have been just sad these past few days......could be the job, but I don't think that's it. My friend Lynda said its the coming spring. Another season without Gee. She said when her Dad died she went through something similar because spring was when her dad would re-emerge from his winter "hibernation" and start to visit more. I have also been getting things together to refinance the house, I need to talk to someone about a few repairs on the house, I have unclaimed property of Dads I need to take care of,  I want to talk to  financial aide  about going back to school, the yard work that needs to get done, the list is endless. It always was but now it is just my list not our list.

Gee's sisters will be coming soon. They have been very good calling me every few weeks. Babygirl has just added me to her list of people she needs to care for.  The mother of the clan I suppose. Clayton has found that their grandfather Jessie was born a slave on the Gullatt plantation in Georgia. Brings the whole concept of slavery from distant history to part of our own history. My children's great-grandfather was born a slave, and the name they carry comes from the  man who owned him.

The reading class I was in has been reading a book, Roll of Thunder, Hear my Cry, written about a family of black farmers in the 1930's. Gee was born in 1934...this book reflected many of the stories he has told over the years. Picking cotton, being hungry, carefully making his way in the south as a black child. We come from such different places fate or God, take your pick, must have wanted us together. How else would we ever have found each other.

project support hell

I am back in the hell of project support. I have spent the day babysitting a brat who refuses to do what is expected of him. I get to sit in a room all day while this pain in my ass tells me he doesn't have to do anything, his ed plan says he can't get suspended or get a detention, so there isn't anything the office can do to him.

This I have been hand picked for, so says the Dean of Students, because I'm so good at what I do....they are going to have me speak to the other teachers on our next professional development day on how best to deal with these kids.....I thought she was kidding.....so I told her my speaking fee was $5000 an appearance....this is where she tells me she is serious,(I don't believe her) ... I told her so was I.

I just want to go back to what I know will help someone. Does the brat deserve an education, yes he does. Is it ok for him to be such a disruption for everyone else, no it isn't. What should they do about him. Give him a one way ride to CAPS and let him see how good he has it here. I will tell the teachers this and my secret to dealing with these kids, sarcasum and bullshit, as soon as I get my 5 grand.....

PANIC

My bracelet fell off today and one of the charms was gone. PANIC this was the very last thing Gee had given me.PANIC I searched the floor the stairs my room Rachel's room PANIC PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me find this bead.PLEASE PLEASE... I was picking through the recycling almost hysterical when Laureen pulled up. PANIC... I've lost the bead, It's gone what am I going to do....... where was I sitting what was I doing she assures me we will find it.....then she says, I found it......she found it. I dissolve in tears...........what would I have ever done if I had lost this little Mickey bead.......

Changes

Change......goodness knows I hate change of any kind! Have these changes happen at school and I can't think straight. It looks like the Project Support classroom will be expanding. Which means I will be back in that classroom. I have been in " regular" classes since I came back from leave. I like the teachers I have been working with, Bruce teaches math and reading and Brent teaches ELA. I really feel I am a part of the team with these guys. They actually ask my opinion and really want to  know what I think.

The guy who is now in charge of Project Support isn't the guy I used to work with. The new guy told me, "I intimidate people because I'm so smart." So I said, "Really, well you don't intimidate me." A horror show waiting to happen. I know he has the degree but good grief he doesn't have a clue. He tries to be the kids friends, believe me they have friends, they need teachers and role models.

I've always said I didn't want to be a classroom teacher. I don't have the temperament for it.What I'm really good at is one to one tutoring. So I think I have come to a conclusion.....I need to go back to school.

 I have an interview tomorrow for a part time job with Wal Mart. I have been torn about this all weekend. If I get this job does it really help Rachel and I in the future? I am leaning towards no....it will help with the bills but will it really help, lets face facts here, I'm 53, I'll be working forever. Do I want to just pay the bills or do something that really doesn't feel like work at all. Maybe I should  take my own advice... Do something that you like doing!

What will happen....I don't know yet. What to do?? What to do??

Pinochle

Pinochle wasn't just something Gee liked he loved it. He taught me how to play by playing 3 hands while I handled one. There was no way he was going to let me play with the other NCO's if I couldn't hold my own. Very early on I knew we couldn't be partners, he would yell, I'd quit and that was that.

We spent so many night playing cards. When we were in New York, stationed at The Seneca Army Depot, all the other Nco's came to our house to play cards. They were all getting ready to retire and were semi-bachelors....their families were at home waiting for them.

The unit was called Readiness Group, they taught reservists all the things they needed to know. Most Fridays they were off to some unit to give classes and would be home on Sunday. During the week, they were off duty by noon, by 20 past they were at our house, and the cards were flying by 1.

I always got Anthony for a partner, and we would loose. Gee was a great card player,knew what had been played, by who and what you had in your hand by how you played, and Anthony never let me get a bid. Anthony went to Ft Drum for a few weeks. While he was gone a new guy, Ralph Flowers, Gee called him Flo, joined the unit. He started coming around and became ,y partner, not that we always won but we could hold our own. When Anthony came back he was Gee's partner and was amaized at how much better I was playing!

We would play cards at BJ and Sauls a few times a month. Gee lived for these nights. He and Saul had so much in common, old soldiers. As Gee got sicker, he couldn't sit for long. I know he missed those games, and the company. I doubt I will ever play pinochle again. No one plays anymore, and if they did it was Gee's game.......just wont be the same without hearing him telling Saul to play the King, you know you got a king...

Game Night

I went to the monthly game night with some people from work. A few teachers, paras and secretaries gather at someones home and have dinner and play a game after. It was so much fun, haven't laughed like that in I don't know how long. So glad Rachel pushed me into going. She is home for the weekend and I didn't want to leave her home with nothing to do. All her friends are away at school.

I have been doing ok really. It seems that when things are good I don't have much to write about. I still miss Gee so very much, but things have been getting better. I still have my moments, that's for sure, however they are not the all consuming meloncholy that can last for days.

 I am activly looking for a part time job. I'd like to go back to school, but I really have no idea what I want to do. Oh I could be the career student, picking and choosing classes that interest me....though I can't see what a degree in archiology will do for  me!

I just got back from Westfield, brought Rachel back to school. I saw the most amazing thing, a full grown bald eagle. I was approching the exit off 90 in Ludlow and I saw this huge bird. I wondered what is that?When it came towards me I see its white head.....my goodness it took my breath away!!! I have never seen one in the wild before, I just can't express how amazing this was to see flying.

colonoscopy

Yesterday I had my 3rd colonoscopy. For those who don't know what that is, a doctor looks at your colon with a camera to see if there are any polyps growing, polyps are what can turn into cancerous tumors. The prep intails drinking some very yucky liquid laxative along with some pills. Most people have their first scope at 50.With my family history, I had my first joy full experience at 40. This time all was well, good for another 5 years. Why am I announcing that yesterday my butt was hanging out while a doctor sent a camera up it? I do this because that somewhat uncomfortable/embarrasing test can save you and your family the pain and anguish of living with colon cancer. So ask the question is there a family history. If yes talk to your doctor, and if you or someone you know and love is over 50 make sure they have the test....for all your sakes.