snow and more snow

It has snowed, rained and then snowed again today. The snow blower will not pick up all this slushy crap so I have had to shovel. I have had enough of winter.It is dark, cold, and miserable. My hope is with the coming of spring I will feel more like myself. Right now I only seem to feel like myself when I am at work. At work I am Mrs. G., I have a routine, I know what I need to do and how to do it. I am the one my kids look to for answers.

 At home I am lost, I have no direction, no focus. I wonder when things will be better. I do things because I have to. I have to do laundry, I have to do the dishes, I have to work,I had to shovel, the rest doesn't get done.

I sit here at night, with Freddie watching my every move, trying to feel "normal." I wait for Rachel to call. I wait to see Jack. I wait to feel better, to feel like myself again. I will never feel like myself again....I am different now.

 I know I am not the first or the last to lose someone so dear to them as Gee was to me. Knowing that doesn't help much.