April 18th marked 4 months that Gee has been gone. When I stay busy things go well. Days like today, drab and rainy, brings sadness. I have asked a woman I work with who lost her husband a few years ago, how long it took her......she says she's still waiting. It never leaves she says, it hides in the shadows waiting to emerge from the darkness like a demon. Always unexpected when it happens. She can be watching her grandchildren playing and she thinks Danny would love this and out jumps the demon bringing sadness where there once was joy.
I am planning to go to my sisters for Easter. Rachel, Clayton, Katie and Jack will go also. It will be the first family thing I attend since Gee died. I don't really want to go, the "demon" will raise his ugly head I am sure. This will tell me if like Ruth, do I avoid these types of gatherings all together whenever possible.
My brother is coming in July. I long to see my brother Bruce. I know I will dissolve into tears as I did when I saw Neil that first time....my protectors when I was little. I know this because the thought of it brings tears now as I write. What is it that I hope this homecoming will bring, I don't know. All I know is he is a kind and gentle man who always seems to know what to say, how to help.
For now the demon and I will continue to put one foot in front of the other everyday. To just keep going forward. I wonder if my writing helps or hurts? Gee always said if left alone to retreat into the dark places in ones mind hurtful memories dull their painful edge over time.They sleep not wanting to be disturbed. Do I keep sharpining the pain by writting, waking that sleeping pain? Goodness knows he had seen and done things in his life he did not want to remember. Not that I don't want to remember,I do. Right now my life is my memories. I would just like the demon to sleep more and not sit on my shoulder all day, everyday.